[Disclaimer: This is a parody of the Fate/Zero episode 1. I loved the episode so much I had to retell it in my own words. Some of my "own words" include overall spoilers for the f/sn universe and also strong language. At a fellow fan's request I joined this community to share with others who may have the same messed up sense of humor I have. ^^;]
---- START ----
Kiritsugu: o shi- i'm a dad
Irisviel: ^_____________^ SHE'S SO CUTE HOLD HER
Kiritsugu: hold up, angst
Irisviel: ... okay that's not hot, hold your daughter before i beet u
Kiritsugu: ... yes'm
*TIME FAST FORWARD DESU*
Risei: yo dawg I see you got command spells
Kirei: i'm confused
Tokiomi: i'm hot guize
Risei: so like yeah w00t church
Kirei: WRY HAPPENING
Tokiomi: calm down, bro. I got chu. just come to my house and I teach you everything.
Kirei: ... kay
Tokiomi: damn you agreed fast, are you sure you aren't fucked up or anything on the inside that would do anything untoward like try to kill me later or fuck up the 5th Holy Grail War or something messed up like that?
Kirei: nope, perfectly fine.
Tokiomi: ... k bro long as you sure and stuff... *whispers* is he forreal?
Risei: straight up dawg that mah boy rite thurr he be alright. his bitch died like some days ago so he's probably all emo but don't worry about that just work him into the ground k?
Tokiomi: psht, we Tohsaka. we know how to work folks into the ground. *gang sign*
Rin: weeeeeeeeeeee yes assholes i was a normal happy girl wtf u thought, yay ball!
Kariya: i got you something!
Rin: of course you did
Kariya: and i got your sister something!
Aoi: see what had happened was
Aoi: u mad?
Aoi: dunno y u mad tho
Aoi: STOP HATIN BRO U KNOW HOW IT BE WHEN U A MAGUS o yeah sry forgot you just a scrub my bad you can't say shit bout this
Kariya: ... o u think so (btw i secretly luv u)
Aoi: yeah (i kno boo but Tokiomi is hot as shit and i don't cheat so yo bad)
Zouken: oh it's you.
Kariya: stfu where's Sakura at
Zouken: down there
WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE
Zouken: what? she stopped screaming after 3 days so...
Kariya: man fuck this shit let her go
Kariya: what u say
Zouken: you have no chance to survive make your time
Zouken: ha ha ha
Zouken: muffin button
Kariya: why is everyone around me fucked up
Zouken: this is f/z dude what you thought
Kariya: o yeah. well, anyway i'll be your mage then
Zouken: but you skipped like... your whole life dude
Kariya: yeah so? use those things you stole out of a japanese hentai movie and make me one.
Zouken: ... psht ain't gotta ask me twice k.... but the girl still stays till you get that grail
Zouken: take it or leave it brah
Kariya: ... fine, fuckin bastard
Irisviel: damn someone better get the snowblower
Kiritsugu: whatever we got broadband and windows 7- AW SHIT
Irisviel: ... netflix is down?
Kiritsugu: naw, i just hate this fool Archibald.
Kayneth: so class lemme tell you how much better we are than you
Kayneth: yeah okay you. you support mudbloods don't you
Waver: but uh, you didn't see Hermoine she was pretty badass-
Kayneth: WHATEV *throws away thesis*
Kayneth: me > you. always. class dismissed.
Waver: WTFFFFFFF that is so bold
Janitor: here give this to yo prof
Waver: yeah sure k... *sneaks off to library and learns about HOLY GRAIL WAR DESU* dude i can be badass with this... *stealz package!*
*AT TOHSAKA MANSION*
Tokiomi: i have the most badass HP printer EVAR
Kirei: ... that's kinda disturbing dude
Tokiomi: i don't ever have to buy cartriges for this shit
Kirei: whats that
Tokiomi: oh, just some intel on the Honey Badger
Kirei: o okay WAIT WHUT
Tokiomi: it's cool, you probably know him as Emiya Kiritsugu
Kirei: uh whut lemme see... *START UNNATURAL INFATUATION WITH KIRITSUGU*
Tokiomi: dude this guy brought down a damn PLANE because a magi was on it. that's some 9/11 shit right there
Kirei: i bet he's knocking up that bitch
Tokiomi: ... what
*BURIED UNDER 40 FEET OF SNOW*
Kiritsugu: ... this Kirei guy is scary as shit.
Irisviel: uh... okay.
Kiritsugu: no forreal this dude is freaky *FORESHADOWING*
Irisviel: but you're good inside tho
Kiritsugu: i'm trying to forget that so i can be ultra badass
Irisviel: whatev ilu boo
Kariya: holy fuckin shit where am i
Zouken: stop drinking so much and get tf up off my floor
Kariya: no srsly where am i this hangover is a bitch
Zouken: i told you, on my floor. oh hay you have shinies
Kariya: yep. let her go.
Zouken: get over it dude, i like raping people with worms.
Kariya: this is so why i ran away from home.
Waver: I HAVE THE BEST TEMPORARY TATTOO EVER
Old people: hey who are you again
Waver: uh... fuck i didn't do that spell strong enough o well I'M JUST HERE FOR THE CHICKENS
Irisviel: wow this is an epic shiny
Kiritsugu: ... fuck Saber's too stupid-honorable for me, goddamnit
Irisviel: i told you stop bitching, you are pure n stuff, y'all be fine together
Kiritsugu: alright fine, it's just a tool anyway *goes into Honey Badger mode*
Irisviel: you're cute when you do that.
Kiritsugu: shut up. *faint smile*
Kirei: that's too heavy for you
Rin: I HATE YOUR GUTS
Kirei: ... wow.
Aoi: what was that, Rin? do i need to get the belt?
Rin: :( no mommy dearest
Aoi: that's better.
Kirei: i'll take care of your husband, ma'am.
Aoi: thank you.
Rin: *mutters* no you won't you'll kill him with a dagger you'll later give to me i know it
Aoi: Rin, what are you muttering about?
Rin: nothing. it's time for my sleepover.
Tokiomi: oh this will SO net me epic badass
Kirei: ... a snake carcass?
Tokiomi: fuck yeah.
Kirei: .. o... kay...
Sakura: yay uncle! :D ... your face is messed up
Kariya: uncle had a little accident.
Sakura: you fell down a flight of stairs?
Kariya: yes. uncle is clumsy.
Sakura: okay. be careful next time uncle.
Kariya: i will. i'm going to go now but when i come back i'm going to take you back to your sister and then kidnap both of you and my boo- i mean your mother and we're gonna get tf out of Crazytown, okay?
Sakura: okay uncle. please don't fall down any more stairs okay?
Kariya: I will try.
[this was the most angsty scene ever, so unfair, I kinda cried]
*EVERYONE SUMMONS SERVANTS*
Saber: ... are you my master?
Irisviel: .... *glances at Kiritsugu*
Kiritsugu: .... *glances at Irisviel*
Saber: is there a problem?
Kiritsugu: *aside whisper* ... dude... Arthur has boobs.
Irisviel: ... yeah. she's a girl.
Kiritsugu: *breathes* whew, okay. i can work with that.
Irisviel: ... so you're happy about this?
Kiritsugu: well, i'm a guy, so...
Kiritsugu: j/k, okay Honey Badger mode on
---- END ----