September 28th, 2005

yo'momma

(no subject)

Noir did a comment on this newsletter spam thing and I couldn't stop myself from doing my own version ...

This is apparently a newsletter that St. Mary's church in Colorado Springs sent out: my comments in italics

If Your Child is a Gothic, Reform Through the Lord!

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    Smile empty sole-Therapy
Ball

Horoscopes for the day

If you're anything like me, you really hate those smarmy newspaper horoscopes that depend on things like astronomy and theoretical science.
If so, then this is the horoscope for you!
I've shunned the pitiful, unreliable world of science and turned to a more respected method of prediction. Total, random, guessing.
Enjoy!
Aries:Your day is just going to suck, it's really, really going to suck in the worst imaginable way and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.
Taurus:You wear a large red hat and are very overweight and should be ashamed of yourself!
Gemini:You are doubtlessly superior in every way to the pathetic mortals that infest this planet.
Cancer:Don't go near any fish hatcheries.
Leo:You should make a significant purchase today, and I mean you should just blow all your money on something really stupid and frivolous. Because I said so.
Virgo:Lamps are your friends today, surround yourself with lamps and you won't go wrong.
Libra:Do you want tuna? You should after what happened last night.
Scorpio:That rash will clear up in a few days, just don't pick at it.
Saggitarius:You have a stupid sign. Saggitarius(snicker).
Capricorn:It's probably in your best interest to scream really loud in about six seconds.
Aquarius:MOM IS SICK AND YOU'RE TEARING THIS FAMILY APART! COME BACK, PHIL!
Pisces:I honestly just don't give a flying shit about what kind of day you have.
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    the soft whir of the computer mmmmm