September 24th, 2005


How I've managed to beat out my competition

This being a brief synopsis of the various methods I've employed to defeat my competition for Allison, the pinnacle of creation.
Competitor number one:Peanut butter.
This was a fairly simple win, achieved not through plotting, but through my possession of opposable thumbs and a frontal lobe.
Competitor number two:Rockstars and actors.
Yeah, I can't beat that one, the only consolation I have is that if she ever chanced to meet one of them by some wild coincidence, she would discover that most of them are terminally shallow and vain. 'Course if she meets Jack Black or one of those other actors who are actually human, I'm screwed to hell.
Competitor number three:Sugar.
I didn't even try to take this on, I know when to give up.
Competitor number four:That British guy.
I artfully engineered myself through time-travel and DNA coding to be physically larger and stronger than the British duded who bears the alias "son of darkness".
This gives me a decided advantage in a steel-cage judo death match.
Also, I have undying love and devotion to Allison, which might count for something.
Competitor number five:Another British guy, Harry Potter.
This is a tough one, but I finally found a solution. My arch-nemesis, the Roman Catholic Church. I payed the Pope to denounce Harry Potter and all of his literary works and to relegate the books to burning and condemnation.
And after all that, the bastard DOESN'T EXIST!
THAT was six months well-spent.
That's pretty much it, for now.
Love you Allison!

Hats in association with power.

I'm cold, I'm bored, and I really need to rant about something.
Don't laugh, this is true, go ahead and do some research.
Right, everyone traditionally assumes that figures of authority in government clung to their power through diplomatic and oratorical skill as well as charisma and bravery.
That is just dead wrong.
The secret to power, is hat size.
First example.
Diving into ancient history for a moment, look at the size of that stupid Pharoah hat! You could stun a small pig with that sucker, it's bloody huge!
And how powerful was the Pharoah? He was a God to the Egyptians.
Romans had those big dumb broom helmets, and they nearly conquered the known world.
Yeah, Ceaser was all about the big hats. His whole army had 'em, but if you notice, his was always the biggest.
Moving forward into the dusbin of history, look at Napoleon(although that may be compensation) that lame hat with all the feathers, it was like half as big as he was.
That is one big-ass hat.
George Washington? Same frickin' hat, it must have weighed about thirty pounds!
And how long did he keep his grubby mits on the presidency? A damn sight longer then he would've without the hat.
These powerful historical figures have stayed in our memory for much longer then they should have, yeah, Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves, yippee, but he will always be remembered for his STOVEPIPE HAT.
And what has happened now that dignitaries have abandoned hats?
WEAK PRESIDENTS AND PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES! KERRY? BUSH? You think anyone will remember THEM in the next fifty years? Ha, no, without hats, our leaders are nothing.
Remember the Conquistadores? Yeah, I thought so, you know why you remember them? BECAUSE OF THOSE AWESOME HATS.
So the next time some idiot in a sombrero runs for president, vote for him, bring hats back into power, I guarantee that he'll knock your socks off.
Remember Teddy Roosevelt? The first effectual president in a long line of lame ducks? He was occaisonally photographed WEARING A HAT!
So there you have it, proof that hats=power.
And by the way, Allison, I do have a spine.
I was unwilling to kow-tow to you about your claim that waffles were sexier than you.
I refused to give in to your assertation that you weren't beautiful.
I didn't allow you the luxury of considering yourself stupid.
And I will not suffer some british guy to be appealing to you.(kills british guy)
See? I have a spine of iron! It's just very selective about when it supports my head.
Love you.
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