||[03 Jun 2005|09:55am]
i'm sorry the last post i tried to do didnt put the whole poem in there. but here it is.
"landfills and tranquility"
I was looking for my paper heart in my own body today.
It seems that it took the longest while to see that it wasn't there,
and then when i wasnt even thinking about it, i had to go
looking because things aren't fair.
When i finally got to my keepsake, i knew this is what i wanted,
and this is what i wanted for as long as i'll be.
this is why i didnt notice my heart in the first place,
but in the long run, it wont be covered up like it was.
it's just easiest that way because then, i dont have to fight
to just breathe out of my arteries, and capilaries and veins.
but now, i'll take my chances and hold my breath, because if
you're around, it feels all the same.
so i know my journal is filled with pictures of marilyn monroe,
but i don't want to be anyone i except for who i am now,
i will let those preconceptions go.
and all my hopes of how she was killed because of her affair with
john fitzgerald kennedy, and it needed to be kept quiet.
while this all seems so glamerous, i just want a nice and steady year,
and years and years to come with you.
the red carpet isn't all it's cracked up to be,
and it doesn't really seem to suit me.
the only thing i want from who i am is to be with you.
and i do have a paper heart and it's been easily torn, if i had a paper
heart then i would have other paper idenities, and how confident i am about
you is not one of them. it's like renting a hotel, and you are only there
for as long as you need to be, then you leave.
i put all those wheres and whens when i have been unconfident about you
in a place i will not go searching for it.
so this is me and who i am, and i'm not going to cease,
and if you want, i'll say please.
my heart is a ballroom, and it's not small. it's a place where you see
yourself saying 'wow' to, and you think you know all the places you can be in there.
you think you know how tall the stage is, and how much it hurts to leap off of it without
taking one great, big step and holding your air in as you do it.
you think you know where all the tables and chairs are set up at, but then you come back
and try to run through it, circling around the tables so you wont hit one, but you do
anyways, because they have been rearranged from the last time you ran in there at night,
when you couldn't see anything and you where just trying to remember how it
was set up from memory. you think you know how far the chair will be from the table when
you pull it out to sit down in it, but suddenly, you don't even look below you when you go
to sit and you hit the floor. you think you know what colour the carpet and walls all.
the carpet is bright red, and the walls are cream. but then you go black to see that the carpet
was replaced and the walls were repainted. it was made even more beautiful this time.
there is even a chandelier that was pinned to the ceiling like a pin on your shirt.
you don't say 'wow'. you just gasp. and all the air that you are taking in is the biggest
breath you will ever take, but it prepares you. it prepares you to spin, and keep spinning.
your feet don't stop moving, and you are swinging your partner around,
and it doesn't matter what's playing in the backround. it could be swing, alternative, emo, punk.
you really don't care what it is. you only care about who you're with.
and i want you to know all my heart has to offer, because it turns out it was never really paper
at all. it was cardboard. it's hard to cut through, but it can be torn if you try.
it's still elegant though, not just a page from a colouring book. you have to rent it out to stay.
It seems that you have been here for awhile now and i intend for you to be still.
I want to belong to you.