A Rose

I watched the rose peddles fall on my floor so many memories lost that way. How the years have gone by since I watched my first rose wither with all my love I tried to keep it alive. Thought about it as I sat there in my chair dreaming of days past. It is funny how you remember those days now about to be married I feel so fulfilled this rose some how is different. IT has a real meaning to me it means love real love not just any ordinary love.

The redness of it reminds me of the soft tender kisses and the feeling of her mouth on mine especially when I am not feeling well. The softness of her skin like a smooth cream. Always so inviting making me feel like I am finally home when I am in her arms. She is so strong but at the same time so tender with me she is everything I ever wanted in a woman. Before you paint a scene of us in your head let me tell you my lover is a butch and I am a soft butch. Ok that said I can continue.

As I sit here now and stair at the rose I dream of all the passionate nights I have had. I sat in my leather jacket and a black thong which is my favorite. There is nothing like black leather the hard feel of it the smell of it to make you feel free as you ride the wind on a bike the freedom that makes you feel a live if not for a second in life. I turned then to face my lover and she smiled at me and I smiled back I had a wonderful surprise for her waiting. I went in to our bed room got dressed in a pair of blue jeans and a red t shirt and told her to follow me.

We walked out to the street where I pulled a tarp off of a new bike that shone with the fresh new baby blue paint I had it pained for her with red flames. With black velvet seats it was so hot I couldn't believe it was ours and I smiled and handed her a helmet. That was blue and white and matched mine. She smiled and took me in her arms and kissed me passionately with out a word we both got on it and I held on to her almost in a hug and she started up the bike. We rode to a deserted area I knew and she turned around on the bike and balancing it started to finger fuck me as I rubbed her shaven head and kissed her so longly. I could not help but think how I wanted this for so many years.

Then I slipped my fingers inside her leather pants and played around with her clit until I felt the heat and juices dripping down my fingers and I kept feeling her. I stuck a finger inside her to feel her warm insides god it felt like bliss.

I looked around the deserted road it was so quite and the stars were shining it was so perfect. "I love you" she said as I staired into her blue eyes some times I think I can fall right into them. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a small box I knew it had to be jewelry I loved jewelry so much. " I know this has been coming for sometime but will you marry me?" she asked as sweat beat down her forehead. I smiled and hugged her yes I will I said. We got back on the road and road into the early morning it wasn't until one am when we got back to our house.

I felt like the happiest woman alive on earth I finally had everything I ever wanted a warm home with our cat and each other. I took off my clothes with a smile on my face and climbed into bed soon I would be the wife of the one person in this world that matter so dearly to me. That I would die for and more.

The next morning I woke to breakfast made on my nightstand I was in awe and a half a dozen roses and a poem on a slip of paper. I looked over and there was my butch daddy standing in the door way already dressed in a t shirt and dark blue jeans and work boots. She walked over to me and kissed me tenderly. "How is my wife to be?" she asked as I staired at her "very well" I said looking at her she was the most beautiful thing I had every seen.

The rest of that morning few by in a blur I don't remember what else happened now I sit here and think about it.

Now I sit here in my chair and look at the last rose and stair at its red pedals and pray that our marriage will be great as I scroll threw wedding dresses on the computer.Oh... well she is home I have to go make her dinner sigh.
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it's been almost a month. maybe it's been split forever. the last kiss goodbye was the end of the tale. i fight for it as much as i fight against it. that good for nothing, low-down mother fucker. does it get any worse? i let emotionality flow in the wrong direction. i should cherish my possessions rather than throwing them to a darkened shadow hunched at my feet. fleeting adoration is just that. i must break the tie that binds. me to him...not him to me. i hesitate a step in his direction. only for a second did i think i should. he calls, he asks me to follow. the fur instantly stands up on the back of my neck. my eyes narrow slicing his assumption in half. every chink in my armor has left a mind numbing scar. i need to remove myself from the present and set myself into the future. i need to be 850 miles away. call it running. call it healing. call it what you will. it doesn't matter to me because no one knows what this feels like to me. no one knows because no one would dare. no one would dare to face the wild current of an unconditionally bad man.
  • Current Mood
    pissed off pissed off


I need to write to get it out. Writing brings recognition and forced acceptance. He wanted to keep a piece of me...FOREVER. A child would bring an unbreakable bond with him. He wanted that from me. A piece of me. FOREVER. But not me. He can only love to a point. A very sharp, fucked up point at that. I loved him unwillingly. I hindered giving anything while silently falling to my own demise. A piece of me. FOREVER. An unmistakable image of him and I meshed together into one. A tantalizing waltz that left me with a broken heel. One misstep and an ankle twist. There is no turning back. What's done is done. A piece of me. FOREVER. Me and him. Him and I. A piece of me. And now him. Engrained in me. I'm unrecognizable. A twisted, malicious game we play. I succumb to defeat. A piece of me. There is no getting back what is lost now...FOREVER.
  • Current Mood
    crazy crazy

(no subject)

it's a chess game. i won't move my piece until i figure out your strategy. you say tomorrow. i say now. you call tomorrow. i ignore you. i pick the day after that. you ignore me. i call you. you answer coolly. i was working. you know i wasn't. you call me out. but i could have been. how would you ever know? today is too late. you're already somewhere that isn't very far away. i want now. it's all about me, not your convenience. your voice is calm and soothing. i'm not anxious like i always seem to be. i actually feel something there that i wish i could believe. it'll all fall apart when you crash into me. tomorrow...tomorrow you can see me. right now, you're just too far out in the country. mmhmmm. i have to work, i have a wake. what i need right now is to have you here in an embrace. i need comfort. i need love. i need something more than my blankets pulled tightly across my shoulders. can you give me that? at least? i need a moment for my soul to grieve. out of me and onto you. just for a moment. just for this once. i need you to love me when i need you to....
  • Current Mood
    mellow mellow


why i loved him i don't know. i want to say not out of need, but i'm not sure. i knew he was a bad boy the day i laid eyes on him, number one. he gave a sly smile and waved. i just wanted to flee to the door on my side of the duplex. the attention down south has always unnerved me. i've felt more uncomfortable there in my few short three years than i have anywhere else my entire life. it was the way his eyes soaked in my entire body. it gave me chills on a late august day. i looked down, around and continued as the rest of the crowd turned and mumbled. i watched from the inside. lights out with the front and back door opened. he sat on the two steps that led to the mailboxes out front smoking his certain style of black and milds. i watched people come and go but i focused on him. i couldn't see his eyes but i could feel them. he focused on my and i enjoyed it. i would swagger to my back door, smoke a cigarette, act as though i didn't notice as i drank in his silhouette against the smoke rising in the evening sky. i was intrigued. i doubted his pursuit. but he did. quicker than i thought. smoother than i imagined. til i found myself craving every part of him no matter the madness. i waited. and waded. manipulation was in the air. three words made me partially believe him. we feel what we feel no matter how fucked up we are. it is what it is and i would later find that this all would leave me resistless. his capability plummeted as my other three words broke into the madness leaving only resentment. i refused tears as those other three words exploded from my lips. there was no hesitation. okay followed by a head nod. tears then flowed from days to weeks almost uncontrollably. one word turned into nothing. nothing left me hollow no matter how abundant i was. reality screams louder than the madness of this ride. i grab ahold just barely in time. i fear the aftereffects of apathy and a frigid concrete room. i close my eyes and swallow every bit of emotionality, knowing it'll all be different when i exit this ride. the doors bust open as tears instantaneously fall from my eyes. i'm overwhelmed by the solitariness of loss in every aspect of my life. i weep for it all. just as i weep for everyone. everyone the madness had possession of.
  • Current Mood
    blank blank


and there i was...back in his arms. it's like nothing has ever happened before. he's dangerous for me. lethal even. i can remain silent only so long. i have to poke at the beast. open the door for it, my legs, my bed. i say everything curtly. it's all so matter-of-fact. i patiently await a response, a reaction. i wait for anything. his eyes say nothing. his mouth speaks only that which i want to hear. i understand this time. i scrutinize every syllable. don't patronize me. i want to swat his hand away as he pats me on the head. there, there now dear. he doesn't understand. i want to give him a big fuck you too. a slap in the face. a degree on any of the turmoil that he's lain upon me. he really doesn't even know me. although he says he does. at least three quarters of the way. i laugh at his lies. i laugh in his face. he reaches for my hips. i almost hesitate. i let us turn into dust. i let everything become nothing.
  • Current Music
    throw it all away - brandi carlile

don't you know?

So steady they came…
Day after day
Turned into night after night.
I couldn’t wait till night fell
Or when day broke.
I would just lie there,
Intertwined fingers
Wrapped up in his embrace.
I woke happily
To the freshly brewed coffee
And the eyes of this man.
Every moment left a heavy footprint
As he cleared out the dusty corners of my mind.
Like it or not,
Accept it,
As I did not,
This man is more than just nothing.
I did not,
Because I could not.
Although I did want more.
More that neither him
Nor In
Could supply.
I knew this
I knew it well
But it mattered not
I buckled
I made sure to fall right in
Into day and night
Him and I
Freshly brewed coffee
And the eyes of this man.
  • Current Music
    baby got going - liz phair


smoke another's brand of cigarettes right after i fucked him. he sleeps soundly as i puff away and think of where i've been. the man in my bed reeks of dead ends and wrong turns. i let myself fall into his arms craving that which can not be solidified. he loves me. he leaves. i crave more but never call. what i crave comes from the one who's cigarettes i smoke. the clock shifts to 4am. unhappiness sinks in over satisfaction. i'm left fumbling with how it is. i pull a blanket over my shoulders. lying under his arms felt unnatural. i sleep in the living room instead. the morning brings freshly brewed coffee and his eyes that i've come to adore. he grabs me, loves me, i can spare a few moments more. off to work as i smoke the same cigarette's. i think of the man for which i smoke these and how he would kiss my bare shoulder blades while he thought i was asleep. i miss that man. my calls go unanswered. my heart aches but i shake it off as i open the door. i exhale the last hit of him as i flick the cigarette hoping there's still one more...
  • Current Mood
    lethargic lethargic

you already know

i like the way the rain felt on my skin so i took my time finishing my cigarette. kids. the dream. when love is the problem nothing can solve it. he nudges the flap in the back corner of my mind. he wants in. he's already in. how many times can i let him in again? i like my corners dusty; filled with the reminiscences of this, that and what have you. i like to leave them dormant, undisturbed. he nudges himself in, kicking up his heels and stirring up my well settled dust. i break out for a moment. open the car door and let the rain continue to wet the rest of my skin. i want to sit in the rain, get drenched in the rain, breathe in deeply and exhume all the pain and bitterness in my exhale. i trudge along instead. it seems too unrealistic. i buy myself a cup of coffee. the french brew with a little room for cream. he walks as a shadow behind my eyes. my heart pulsates and my hands shake. an unperfect beginning and crashing halt in the end. far too deep. i was far too deep in the way he would say my name. the man hands me $3.00 in change. i smile unwanting to make eye contact or meaningless conversation. the coffee is very hot, he just brewed it. i pick up the cardboard cup with the cardboard holder. i add some cream and there he is standing in my kitchen. 6am any weekday morning. he pours my cup even before his own. he bravely adds my cream and stirs it without even asking. i hate for him to leave but beg that he go. i find an empty table. it's toward the back a little off to the right. i make myself comfortable. the coffee singes the tip of my tongue as my eyes divert every which way, drinking in the melancholy scene. i digress. everything is sad when one is sad. even if it only creeps in through the cracks of the sunset. i sit. i watch. i refuse to listen. nothing anyone has to say could interest me. i'm lucky i find any interest in each day let alone a stranger with dark eyes. the dark eyes he had would stare at me intently, holding each gaze carefully as so it wouldn't break. he would hold my face, hold my hand as he laid kisses down ever inch of my neck. i held him silently. i held him questioningly. i held him unconditionally. a couple enters. he eyes me in a leering way as if wondering if i'm wearing any panties. his girlfriend doesn't notice as she orders coffee for them. i pause long enough to make him uncomfortable. he moves over to place his hand on her lower back. always someone else. it was always her. it was always me. who was it more of? he breathed i love you and vanished in the dark. he created a stronger bond and i had no choice but to break it. each moment became increasingly harsher and i fell apart not screaming but weeping. he didn't pick me up though. he refused to look, he refused to notice. i finished my coffee and walked quickly out the front door. the rain still spilled from the sky. i inhaled deeply. please let this exhale be the one which i can exhume each moment, each memory, each loving touch he ever laid upon me. let it erase it all, from the very beginning to the unsweetened end.
  • Current Music
    cornflake girl - tori amos
Smoke Break

New Music Community

Hey, I didn't see anything in the community info saying this wasn't allowed. So if it isn't, feel free to delete it.


I have created a new music sharing community called, Music_Pillagers

This community will basically function like a p2p client, except the whole premise is "You've got to give to get." So if you're looking for an album or a song, you can request that someone uploads it and shares the link. Easy peasy right? I thought so. It also saves you the drama of actually having to download a p2p client that can be full of all kinds of nasty viruses.

Every week I will also upload an album that is either hard to find or something I think is worth listening to.

Now since the community actually has a following of 1 right now, I decided to start things off with the music I have available to share.

Originally, I wanted to actually post a list of my library here on lj; however, I quickly realized my library was simply to big to post here. So - For the complete list of the music I have available to share, go here.

Impressive, no?

How can you get your hands on some of that music you ask?!

Join & Promote of course!

Seriously, everyone likes music. How could you NOT join?
  • Current Music
    We Share Our Mothers' Health - The Knife
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