Kate (mulanreflection) wrote in nohappyendings_,

Fic - Gundam Wing - 5x2 - "Darkness"

Originally posted: 2005-06-29. Here.

Title: Darkness
Theme + Number: Theme #31 (Depression). Theme #97 (Time).
Genres: Angst.
Warnings: Yaoi. POV. Cursing. Suicide.
Characters/Pairings: Chang Wufei X Duo Maxwell
Word Count: 1072
Rating: PG-13ish?
Summary: Sequel to ‘Numb’.
Author's Notes: Wrote this a few days ago at like 7 in the morning when I couldn't sleep and was in another shitty mood. I was like, literally half asleep when I wrote this. I'm... not very happy with the way it turned out. I don't feel like rewriting it though, and I have this thing were I just can't delete anything I've written, whether I like it or not. -_-; But yeah... whatever. ... We're allowed to use more than one theme per fic, right? I thought I read that somewhere. -_-; I'd go check the rules, but... I'm lazy. Lol.

It’s been one month. That’s four weeks. Thirty-one days…

744 hours.

44,640 minutes.

2,678,400 seconds…

That’s how long I’ve survived without you.

Aren’t you fucking proud of me?

I’m still alive. I can’t believe I’m still alive. No, wait. That’s bullshit. Inside, I died the moment you left me. My body just doesn’t seem to realize that though so it continues fucking living.

I think I know why I didn’t kill myself right after you died, like I told you I would do if I ever lost you. Of course, when I said that you told me I wouldn’t and that you wouldn’t want me to do that. That’s probably half the reason. The other half of the reason is because I was still clinging to my sanity. That’s slowly slipping away from me though. No matter how tight I hang onto it, it’s slipping right through my fingers. Just like you.

Everyone’s worried about me. I can feel it. I can see it. Quatre and Trowa have stayed nearby, wanting to help me. Heero was staying nearby too for a little while. He had to leave though. Quatre keeps trying to ask me if I’m ok, trying to get me to talk to him.

I heard him talking to Trowa once. They were in the other room, they didn’t know I was right outside and could hear everything. Quatre sounded like he was on the verge of tears. He kept saying he’s scared for me. At one point he said to Trowa, “I can’t even feel anything from him! Not pain, not grief, not even anger. No emotion, nothing. It’s like there’s nothing left inside, Trowa.” That made me smile. Even Quatre, the empath, couldn’t get past my masks.

Oh, don’t you know? My fake smiles are back, ‘Fei. I know how much you hated those. You always hated when I tried to put on a smile for you and pretend everything’s ok and that I’m happy, and you could always, always tell the fake smiles from the real ones. I’m sorry, ‘Fei, but it’s the only way I knew how to handle this. I put on a smile and did everything I could to comfort everyone else. I buried away everything deep inside and I guess in the process made sure I was emotionally dead.

That isn’t good enough anymore. I can’t survive on being empty inside. I don’t know why I’m still alive. Physically, my health is shit. I hardly eat anymore and I don’t sleep. I can’t sleep, not without your arms wrapped tight around me, protecting me from the nightmares. Yeah. You never knew that, did you ‘Fei? I used to get nightmares pretty damn often, nightmares about the streets of L2 and about the war. For some reason though when I was sleeping beside you I never had nightmares. Something about you kept them away. I need the real you, too. The smell of you on the pillow isn’t good enough. Yeah. I’ve been sleeping curled up around your pillow trying to pretend you’re still here. Sometimes I even grabbed old shirts of yours that still smelled like you.

God, I miss you ‘Fei. I can’t do this anymore. What’s the fucking point ‘Fei? What reason do I have to live if it’s just this empty, miserable life. I don’t want to live like this. Is this really the way you want me to live? It’s not even really living…

Look at me, ‘Fei. I’m sitting here on the bathroom floor, that same damned floor I found you coughing up blood on, and I’m spilling more blood on to it. I snapped. I cut myself again, I carved your name into my arm. You knew I cut myself a few times before, a long time ago after the war. I hadn’t done it since then though. But now look at me. I can’t control myself anymore. I told you I can’t do this, Wufei. I told you I’m too fucked up.

Now ‘Shinigami’ is carved in my fucking arm. Now I’m just cutting, slashing up my arm. The cuts don’t hurt. Nothing hurts compared to the pain of losing you.

“I don’t want to fucking do this anymore!” I shout the words but there’s no one to hear them.

“Please hang on… You’ll be ok, Duo.”

I laugh. Bitter and hysterical. Now my mind’s decided to start imitating your voice. Oh, that’s just great. That’s wonderful. It’s so nice hearing your voice again, ‘Fei. “I’m fucking crazy.”

“You’re not crazy.”

Bullshit. Only crazy people hear voices. You know, I was always afraid of people thinking I’m crazy. I didn’t want to be locked up. But now… I don’t give a fuck. If I get to hear your voice being crazy isn’t that bad. “This is Hell, ‘Fei.”

“No, it’s not. You’ll see. Things will get better.”

“No, they won’t.” I stared at my bloody knife. One of my favorites. The one I used to always keep on me, just in case. “I’d rather die than keep living in this fucking Hell.”

“Duo, don’t.”

The tip of the blade pressed against my wrist. “I want to die.” And it was true. For the first time in my life, I really truly wanted to die. Never before had I felt like that, not on the streets, not during the war, and not just after war when I cut myself for the first time. Up until this point I was a survivor. “But I can’t keep surviving… A guy can only handle so much before they finally break.”

“You’re stronger than this, Duo. Please. Don’t make me watch this.”

“Then close your eyes, ‘Fei.” The blade broke through skin and I carefully dragged it along the vein. Satisfied and knowing it’d be fatal I set the knife down. “I’m sorry, ‘Fei… I told you I can’t do this… I can’t lose someone I care about again.”

“But I’m right here. I told you I’d never leave you.”

“I’m too fucked up… Can’t say I didn’t try, though… I’m sorry, ‘Fei.” I watched the blood pour from my wrist. “I’m sorry…”

“I love you, Duo.”

I looked up and you were there, pulling me into your arms and hugging me close. You were crying. You kept saying that you love me.

This isn’t that bad of a way to die…

But then you weren’t there.

Then there was just darkness.
Tags: 5x2, [fic], series - gundam wing

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