Author: convicted_eyes (aka Me)
Pairing: Broken!QMi, and non-broken!QMi
Genre: Angst. (Fluffy ending, don't worry.)
Warnings: Angst. Mention of only 13s. (They make me rage so I consider this a warning)
Disclaimer: If you don't know I don't own them by now you never will.
Summary: Zhou Mi has reached breaking point, and Kyuhyun never realised all the things he takes for granted.
Authors note: Idek. I felt kind of flat today and needed to get some angst out of my system. Turned out I quite liked it, although there are bits that are kind of...strangely written? I don't know. Fluffy ending, because I like my happy endings. Hope you guys...enjoy it...?
Archive is here!
“I can’t do this anymore Kyuhyun,” That voice sounded far more sad than he was used to, words with too much edge and not enough accent. “I’ve tried and tried but I’m sick of being the only one trying.” There was a heavy sigh and suddenly Zhou mi looked far older than his actual age and that frown didn’t suit him, his eyes weren’t sparkling and his shoulders were tense with stress and worry. Kyuhyun, he figured, hadn’t been helping that at all.
“What…what are you saying Mi?” He choked out, although he knew exactly what Zhou Mi was saying, he just hoped he was lying. He hoped he was playing some kind of warped joke and he’d suddenly grin and go ‘April fools!’ even though it was February.
“I’m saying…” The taller man stopped, ran a hand through his hair, eyes teary as he took a deep breath. “I’m saying I’m breaking things off.” Kyuhyun found himself unable to speak. Until the moment Zhou Mi had asked to talk in such a serious voice with no hint of a smile, Kyuhyun had been clueless. Or had he? There had been signs, if he’d allowed himself to see them. Zhou Mi not contacting him for weeks at a time, now he realised it was to see if Kyuhyun would try to contact him first, Zhou Mi flirting with other members, trying to make Kyuhyun jealous, trying to make him act possessive to show he cared. There were times, now that Kyuhyun thought about it, where Zhou Mi would even clutch at him tighter, where Kyuhyun could swear he wanted him to catch him crying so he’d do what any normal person would have done and ask “What’s wrong?” but he didn’t. He never asked. He never reacted. He, as Zhou mi had said, never really tried…and he hadn’t noticed until now when it was far too late.
Zhou Mi was crying and he didn’t realise he was too until Zhou Mi smiled a bitter sweet smile and brushed one tear away.
“Nice to know at least that you care that I’m leaving.” He mumbled and those words felt like a violent stab at his heart and conscience. Zhou Mi kissed the corner of his lips and Kyuhyun wanted to pull Zhou Mi in for a proper kiss, but he suddenly felt like he didn’t have the right anymore. He no longer had a claim to Zhou mi. They were no longer…together.
The door closing behind Zhou mi sounded a thousand times louder than it was and Kyuhyun couldn’t help but fall to his knees right then and choke out a sob. He was an idiot.
The next few days passed by in a blur. Kyuhyun, after the initial crying session, had decided that the best thing to do was to keep himself busy. He let their manager load him up with schedules, and he practiced singing and dancing until his throat was cracking and his limbs ached. He sat with Ryeowook and Yesung and together they thought about songs for K.R.Y and worked on compositions. The only time he allowed himself to relax was when Sungmin bribed him with a bottle of his favourite wine and promise of a few rounds on the PS3.
He hadn’t played Starcraft since Zhou Mi broke up with him. It wasn’t like he’d ever neglected Zhou Mi for Starcraft (he might have delayed outings to finish off a game but Zhou Mi had stated a hundred times in the past that he never minded as long as they spent time together) but he felt like it was somehow to blame in the mess of it all and could hardly look at the icon on his desktop without feeling sick to his stomach. This was something that worried Sungmin and the others a great deal. Although they joked and teased, Kyuhyun wasn’t that addicted to the game. He always remembered to eat, and he’d never let his work suffer for it, and to his credit even if Zhou Mi showed up unexpectedly he’d stop playing after the match he was in. He wouldn’t do that for anyone else either. The fact that he hadn’t even looked at it, the fact that Sungmin knew he was avoiding it because of the break up worried him. He was looking for things to blame and that was never productive.
Hence why he had brought wine and offered to play some kind of game with him, even if it wasn’t the one he was most famed for loving.
Sungmin, Ryeowook and Yesung had all tried to bring up the topic of Zhou Mi and the break up but Kyuhyun had just blatantly ignored it. He didn’t want to know and after the first day when Sungmin had tried to push him to talk about it and Kyuhyun had almost cried (he hadn’t seen him cry since the accident) he had refrained from bringing it up again. And if he did he never pushed it again; although now, after nearly a whole bottle of wine on an empty stomach, Kyuhyun was openly talking about the whole thing.
“I’m an idiot hyung…pure and simple.” He said with a slight slur, head falling back against the wall behind them. “I couldn’t even try and stop him; I just let him walk away.” Sungmin stayed silent, watching as Kyuhyun drank the last bit of wine from the bottle like it was juice. “I wouldn’t have even had to try and stop him if I’d just noticed him practically screaming at me to look at him for more than ten seconds.” He mumbled. Sungmin sighed and threw an arm around his shoulders, Kyuhyun gratefully leaned into him.
“It’ll be ok Kyu…you’ll see…” he said in what he hoped was a comforting voice.
“Really Min?” He asked in a sceptical tone. There was a moment of silence before the elder sighed and squeezed Kyuhyun’s shoulder.
“Honestly? I don’t know…but thinking about the past isn’t going to help things.” Kyuhyun nodded in agreement and after a few minutes the magnae had fallen asleep on him. Sungmin would have bet his left leg and his guitar that Kyuhyun had not been sleeping well if at all. He tucked his young friend up in his bed and left him, hoping things really would work out in the end.
“I can’t tell whose worse Zhou Mi or Kyuhyun.” Heechul said one day over the breakfast table. It was just over a month since the pair had broken up and it wasn’t really getting better, for either of them. The others felt free to talk about it today since Zhou Mi was off filming ‘Korean Impression’ and Kyuhyun had left to isolate himself in a studio earlier that morning.
“Kyuhyun didn’t eat before he left today again.” Ryeowook said, concerned, picking at his own breakfast.
“And I bet he won’t eat lunch either.” Sungmin chimed in.
“Zhou Mi has gotten skinnier.” Heechul said concern across his face as he stared at his food willing it to go to Zhou Mi instead. “He says he’s eating but even an idiot can tell that he’s not. I asked Henry to keep an eye on him.”
“They’re both torturing themselves and I feel kind of helpless.” Leeteuk said worrying his lip and cradling a mug of coffee.
“Well there’s not much we can do, unless you want to try the age old trick of locking them in a room together and hoping they work it out.” Heechul said a surprising voice of reason in the situation. “Somehow I don’t think that would work like the movies.” Everyone made sounds of agreement, all silently worrying over their two friends and band members.
“This is so stupid!” Sungmin exclaimed in exasperation. “Zhou Mi would take Kyuhyun back if he showed him he cared. If he went after him even if it is a month later, but Kyu thinks he’s lost any chance he had!”
“Zhou Mi thinks he’ll never come too.” Heechul said sadly. “He hopes but he calls himself stupid for it.”
“Why can’t we just tell Kyu to go after him?” Ryeowook asked innocently.
“Because he needs to figure it out himself.” Leeteuk added in again with a sigh. “This is between him and Zhou Mi and as much as we all want to help them, they need to sort this out themselves.”
The hardest thing was when it was announced that finally Super Junior M would be commencing activities and preparations needed to begin for their come back later in the year. Kyuhyun felt sick. He couldn’t face Zhou Mi, it felt too soon, far too soon, and if the other man’s expression was any indication he felt the same. Kyuhyun hadn’t been blinded with sadness, he knew at the very least Zhou Mi hadn’t wanted to break up with him. But he had and Kyuhyun tried not to think about what Zhou Mi wanted and what he did because it was too confusing and thinking about Zhou Mi period hurt like nothing else.
When he left both he and Zhou Mi seemed to be making sure to not interact, Kyuhyun talking with Donghae and Ryeowook while Zhou Mi chatted with Henry and Siwon animatedly in mandarin. He watched him over Donghae’s shoulder as he laughed and smiled with the other two, but quickly looked away when Henry noticed him. He didn’t see the disappointment in Zhou Mi’s eyes as he turned and saw Kyuhyun forcing a laugh with Donghae and Ryeowook.
The first Super Junior M practice was at the end of that week and when Kyuhyun arrived early hoping the only one, if anyone, in the practice room would be Donghae. Apparently Zhou Mi had the same thought because he was sitting in there waiting. His head phones were in and he was tapping buttons on his phone and didn’t seem to notice Kyuhyun at first. He didn’t try and make himself known, just set down his bag and slipped down the wall opposite from Zhou Mi. It felt awkward and tense like how they first met, except then Kyuhyun couldn’t stop staring at the beautiful stunning man that he couldn’t believe wasn’t a model. Now he couldn’t bear to look at him knowing it’d hurt.
The hardest thing was not really seeing Zhou Mi, he could almost cope with that; no… the hardest thing was having to restrain from walking over and doing all the things they did as a couple. Brushing his hair out of his eyes, or linking their fingers together like it was nothing, leaning his head on the taller man’s shoulder, playing with that simple yet stylish ring he always wore, plucking fluff from his hair, or sweeping sleep from his eyes. It all seemed far too intimate now but back then it had been the simplest of things. Heck, it wasn’t like it was unusual to be so comfortable with other members, but he hadn’t dated other members, and they didn’t reward him with a kiss or a smile quite like Zhou Mi’s.
Kyuhyun hadn’t realised he was starring at Zhou Mi until he realised Zhou Mi was starring right back. He tried to be polite and offered a weak smile, and the Chinese man offered one back but it was almost worse than not smiling at all because it wasn’t one of Zhou Mi’s special smiles. It was quite frankly broken and it took everything in Kyuhyun not to go over there and kiss it better.
Luckily at that moment Donghae walked in with Henry, Siwon and Ryeowook not too far behind and they successfully cleared the tense air between the ex-couple and practice got under way.
Zhou Mi could wait, he thought. He could wait until Kyuhyun would realise he was waiting and prove to him he hadn’t been wasting his time with someone who didn’t care enough. He knew Kyuhyun cared he’d be stupid not to realise that, but it was how he cared that had worried him. After a while Kyuhyun seemed to stop caring for him like a boyfriend and started caring for him as just a friend. He wanted Kyuhyun to be jealous just a little but he never bat an eye lid, he wanted Kyuhyun to call him, text him, even if it was just to say ‘how are you?’ or ‘how was filming?’ He didn’t even care that Kyuhyun rarely said I love you because it made it all the more special when he did say it. It was the little things that people take for granted that Zhou Mi noticed were missing, and in return missed them. Little things that set their relationship apart from say Zhou Mi’s relationship with Henry, one of pure friendship.
But the more Zhou Mi waited the more Zhou Mi wandered if he was just wasting more time. Heechul told him to give Kyuhyun time, that Kyuhyun was someone who needed to analyse things a million times before he acted. Zhou Mi told him he didn’t know if his heart could wait until Kyuhyun had analysed everything a million times. Part of him wanted just to let go, move on so they could go back to being friends, but the other part of him, the part of him that loved Kyuhyun so much it felt like he would burst when he just thought of him, wouldn’t let him let go. It demanded he hang on until Kyuhyun finished thinking and analysing and came to him.
‘But what if…’ he thought ‘Kyuhyun finishes analysing only to realise that he never really loved me in the first place?’
Zhou Mi tried not to think like that but the longer Kyuhyun took the more those thoughts plagued his mind. It was making him feel ill, making it a struggle to sleep when all he could think of were the horrible what if’s and making just getting up in the morning one of the biggest efforts of his day to day life.
He had day dreams. Day dreams where Kyuhyun would burst into his dorm, the studio, wherever and tell him he loved him, and was an idiot and he’d try harder and all he wanted was to kiss and make up. And they would and everything would be wonderful again. Then he had other day dreams where Kyuhyun would never come to speak to him and they’d slowly move on and Kyuhyun would end up marrying some beautiful woman, and Zhou Mi’s parents would set him up with some daughter of one of their friends and they’d both be happy but unhappy. Then there were these other day dreams where he’d never broke up with Kyuhyun, and they got worse and worse and worse until Kyuhyun broke up with him, nonchalantly as if he didn’t care and never had.
Zhou Mi tried not to day dream because none of them helped. Not even the ones where Kyuhyun came in and said sorry because when he snapped back to reality there was no Kyuhyun only a busy studio or an empty room.
“Have you thought about speaking to Kyuhyun?” Heechul asked one day on the phone.
“I have…its Kyuhyun’s move.” He had said, voice shaking.
“This isn’t some sort of game, there isn’t such a thing as moves.” Zhou Mi caught the worry in his friend’s voice and tried not to choke.
“You…you don’t think Kyuhyun’s going to come after me do you?” He more of stated than asked, voice painfully weak. For a few seconds Heechul was silent, the only sounds were his gentle breathing.
“I don’t know Mi…I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t want you, I think it’s that he’s just not getting it. For someone so smart he sure is being dense.” That had made Zhou Mi laugh a little and he knew Heechul was telling the truth. Heechul didn’t lie, at least not with something like this. Heechul wouldn’t say it if he thought he was getting Zhou Mi’s hopes up for nothing. It was, more than anything, a comfort.
Just under four months after the break up and Kyuhyun played Starcraft for the first time, but felt sick and quit half way through a game with Kibum. A few minutes after when Kyuhyun was trying to compose himself, he received a text from their actor member. Talk to him. It had said, but Kyuhyun only text back with I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Sure you don’t Kyu. Think about it.
Had been the short reply. It wasn’t like he hadn’t thought about talking to Zhou Mi, but the conversation always sounds terribly awkward and ends badly in his head. He had no idea what he’d say if he did say anything. He should say something he knew that. At the very least he wanted to salvage their friendship even if he couldn’t salvage their relationship. But it wasn’t that simple. He had no idea how to go about this had never cared about someone quite this much.
It turned out he didn’t really need to think about it. Who knew Zhou Mi’s remaining anti’s could turn out to be useful?
Super Junior M had been practicing and practicing and after another month they were heading over to China to do some extensive promotions. The airport was packed with fans cheering for them taking fan cams and pictures and they smiled and waved but otherwise waited around like any other person at the airport. But then they made themselves known.
Although most ‘only 13’ supporters had dwindled out and now the cheering tended to drown out the horrid chants they weren’t by any means gone and these people were proof.
Henry saw the banners first and immediately put his head phones on and Ryeowook grabbed his hand, Donghae slinging a casual arm around his shoulder, practically shouting ‘he belongs with us!’ while smiling as if nothing was wrong. Although Zhou Mi hadn’t exactly been smiling (something his fans hadn’t missed he’d seen some concerned whispers between them) when he spotted the banners and heard the chanting admits the cheering his face fell even further but he stood taller as if trying to be strong. Kyuhyun tried not to glare at the girls yelling, they didn’t deserve it. They didn’t know Zhou Mi, didn’t know how wonderful and amazing he was. He was underappreciated by him enough as it was he didn’t need haters on top of that. So Kyuhyun, feeling not only bold but protective slipped an arm around Zhou Mi’s waist and pulled him to his side. He revelled in the surprised look Zhou Mi threw at him and didn’t miss the little sparkle of hope behind them.
“Ignore them.” He whispered in his ear. “There are plenty of people here who love you Mi.” Zhou Mi then beamed at him. The first time he’d really seen him smile in five whole months.
“Thank you, Kui Xian.” He said sincerely. The accent, his name, that soft airy tilt to Zhou Mi’s voice that made it so uniquely his sent shivers down Kyuhyun’s spine and he absolutely refused to let go of Zhou Mi until he had to.
Kyuhyun was meant to be sharing a room with Ryeowook, but Henry who was meant to be sharing with Zhou Mi smiled at him and offered to switch. Kyuhyun thanked him, but was still nervous as he exchanged keys and stepped into the room he’d now be sharing with Zhou Mi. Nervous…but he felt oh so right.
Zhou Mi looked up at him from a magazine as he stepped in, clearly and rightly surprised.
“Kui Xian…” he said quietly. “…what?”
“I uh…switched with Henry.” He said simply, feeling awkward against the door. He watched as Zhou Mi set down his magazine and stood up, eyes never leaving Kyuhyun.
“Yeah…I…” Kyuhyun swallowed feeling as if he could burst into tears at any moment, but that’s not what he was here for. “Zhou Mi I…” but he stopped again not really sure where he was going with this. He took a deep breath and ran a hand through his shaggy hair trying to gather his bearings. Zhou Mi stayed standing, fingers twisting in the fabric of his shirt. Patient but eager. “What I said earlier…at the airport, about there being plenty of people who love you?” Zhou Mi gulped but nodded slowly.
“Y-yes Kui Xian…?”
“Well…what I meant to say was…that…I love you.” The words felt like a weight got thrown off his shoulders, and his heart was beating out of his rib cage, reaching for Zhou Mi’s, craving that love back. “And…and fuck I’m so sorry Mi…” and he couldn’t believe he was crying again but in a few short strides Zhou Mi had his arms around his shoulders, holding so tight he might be bruising him and sobbing into his neck. Kyuhyun didn’t care that his neck was wet or that he was bruising. He brought his arms up and clutched at Zhou Mi’s shirt vowing he wasn’t going to let this man slip away again.
“I love you too Kui Xian…thank you.”
During the interview the next day, Kyuhyun took Zhou Mi’s hand under the table and laughed as Zhou Mi whispered in his ear what others thought was a translation, but was actually an inside joke. He played with the ring on Zhou Mi’s finger, and on the car ride back brushed fluff from his hair and was rewarded with a sunshine smile and a kiss on the cheek. And the next morning when Kyuhyun woke to long arms wrapped around him and legs tangled with his own he smiled and kissed Zhou Mi awake.
“Hmm…my Kui Xian.” Zhou Mi sleepily mumbled curling into his shoulder trying to cling to sleep. Kyuhyun laughed lightly watching the early morning sun dance across his lovers stunning face.
“Mmm, and my Mimi.” Zhou Mi smiled and kissed him his thanks.
A/N: Weird ending is weird. First off I FEEL BAD WRITING SUJUM WITHOUT GENG. IT DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT!! But I heard SuJu M have a come back this year and I was like 'BUT THERE WILL BE NO GENG' and so I went with the whole...lack of Geng thing and it broke my heart. ;____;
Basically yeah I just felt kind of...angsty today and a bit blank and needed to get it off my chest so I took it out on QMi...but hey! Fluff ending! Not totally satisfied with the ending but oh well hope you like it. Next thing I post will hopefully be mass amounts of LOLS and fluff.