Rating: NO idea. slightly violent but PG
Pairings: HanChul, KiChul...sorta
A/N: YAY! first contest entry \(^.^)/ i blame the serious wtf-ness of this on several hours of having the Kaada/Patton co lab. cd on repeat.
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There’s no such thing as reality anymore. There are only dreams, like narrow tubes we try to squeeze into; not realizing our shoulders are too broad. So instead of fully having them, we cling onto these tubes, now and then taking a small peep down them to get a full view of what we’re missing. Tubes harden into cold pipes; too heavy to carry for our worn out backs. He was one of those dreams; one of those pipes. You just carried him for me.
And I; what was I? To begin with, I was nothing but a watcher. Unlike most people, I didn’t want anything. I had no dreams and that was something I was quite happy about. In fact, I bragged about it now and then. It felt like flaunting some kind of happiness in misery.
You spotted him outside one night. Little did I know you spotted him for me. It had taken you a couple of years but then you had figured out that the only true happy dreaming you could commit yourself to was dreaming for others. You were the happiest person I had ever seen, and you still are.
Maybe that was the reason. Maybe you had learned that true happiness can only be achieved when bringing misery upon others. I didn’t embrace that misery like you wanted me too and maybe that’s why things happened the way they did.
His name was, and as far as I know it still is, Hankyung. At least that was what you told me as we sat close together under the oak tree, talking about this and that. Saying it was a big school, would be no understatement. It was like a forest of buildings running over, under, along and across each other. But as far as I know, there was only one tree. And looking at the same place a couple of months later, I can say that the tree is no more.
Hankyung, you said, was from a place far away. His family was probably refugees. There was no other way they would be allowed into the country. I’ve heard that it used to be easy to move around; that people in the past could go anywhere they wanted. I don’t know if it’s true or not. You’ve always said that it’s a lie; that people have always lived locked up like this, but I choose to believe in it.
When I first talked to him, you were there. I could feel you breathe against my neck as I first introduced myself to him. He took my hand, smiled and said “Nice to meet you” in an accent proving that the language you and I spoke wasn’t his native tongue. He had a nice ring to his voice, though. Yours was like sandpaper while his was like soft cotton, caressing everything it touched.
Yes, his voice was even soothing as he said those final words to me.
”Seriously, Heechul. It’s fucking freezing.”
I’ve never been fond of people who swear much but I felt like I could forgive him. After all, I really liked him.
I haven’t been very fond of this school, to be honest. I know I’ve told you that I’d never leave, even if I could, but that’s a lie. It seems like the whole world went mad and that we, as the only sane people left, locked ourselves up, only so that the mad people couldn’t get in. Little did we know that it only made us look like fools. That we now are the inmates of our own country; one filled with nothing else but an infinite silence and a longing for something better.
I actually asked him once if it was true; if people in the past were happier than we are now. He merely smiled and put his hand on my shoulder. He told me, after a while, that he had been to a lot of places but that none had been as good as this. I would have believed him if the look in his eyes hadn’t told me otherwise.
This, my dear friend, is as close to hell as you can get and sometimes I just wish I didn’t knew better. Sometimes I wish those stories weren’t true and that they hadn’t been made up in the first place. But they are. There is a better place than this and Hankyung, he had been there.
Eventually, he confessed.
And each night, as he came to see me in my dorm, I would ask him about it. We sat on my bed (I had my legs crossed and he usually leaned his back against the wall) and he’d start casually; telling me a bit about what I already knew. What he liked the best about his country, he said, was the sea. He told me that when he felt like the world was too much, he’d just go watch the sea. I told him I had never seen it because here, we have no sea. Or actually we do, but we are not allowed to see it. He asked me why and I said that the government wouldn’t let us. If the sea indeed made one as peaceful as he claimed, I could understand why they wouldn’t let us. Besides, the more people know, the more questions they ask.
But, even if we were allowed, I wouldn’t want to.
See, I don’t like water. I think he knew without me having to tell him. He could read me like an open book, it seemed. And while he loved water, he understood that I didn’t.
After a couple of weeks you were there again; your voice piercing through my eardrums while your gaze was fixed on me. You asked me what I thought about him and I told you that he was nice and that we got along well. Why you were so interested, I didn’t know. You seemed pleased with my answer and nodded slowly. I’ve never liked the way you nod. It makes you look stupid. But I’ve never told you this, neither do I intend to.
“Aren’t you happy?” You asked me and I knew all you wanted was some kind of confirmation.
“I am.” I nodded, realizing that for once, I could actually look ahead.
“What do you want?”
It wasn’t until then that I realized you had guided me into this trap of impossible hopes and dreams. I bit my lip. I can remember it simply for the taste of metal in my mouth. It’s funny, I’ve always thought, that the evidence of life tastes like the deadest thing I’ve ever known.
You knew it was a lie. “Are you sure you don’t want anything?”
And all my mind was screaming was Him, him, him! I want him!
Yes, you had lit that fire of hope inside my chest and all I could think about was him and how much I hated you for making me want; for making me feel. Each night I fell asleep with the image of him below me and each morning I woke up, wanting him even more than the day before. And suddenly, one day, I woke up with an insane craving for water.
Hankyung came to see me that night as well; that shy smile of his making him look even more beautiful than ever, if that was even possible. I told him that he looked pretty and he blushed, claiming that he didn’t. I took his hand and he smiled, squeezing mine.
“Hankyung.” I said, looking down at our entwined fingers. “I want water.”
“But I thought you didn’t like water.”
“I want to watch the sea.”
“You know that’s forbidden.”
I knew and I nodded but I wanted it so badly. I wanted to watch the sea with him and I think he could read my expression, because he stood up from the bed, dragging me with him.
“I have an idea.”
We walked through the corridors and I thought to myself that the doors to the dorms looked so very alike. If it hadn’t been for the fact that they were all numbered he probably wouldn’t be able to find me.
He smiled and suddenly a set of keys had appeared in the palm of his hand. He had stolen them, he said and giggled. One of the keys went to a big door and when it swung open he walked inside the room, motioning for me to follow.
“This is where the teachers go.” He grinned and closed the door behind us.
The room wasn’t that big. There were random machines inside it and Hankyung said they used them to make their bodies stronger. I didn’t get why. I’ve never had to use one of those machines and my body is perfectly good as it is. He opened a second door, this time without the keys. This room was bigger, I noticed.
“Look.” He smiled, grabbing my head. “There’s the water.”
We sat down next to what he told me was a pool. I could see our reflections on the surface but when I reached out to caress his face, all I could feel was a striking cold against my fingertips. He laughed and so did I, simply because he did.
“Do you remember when we first met?” I asked and he smiled.
“Tell me about it.”
He looked puzzled, so I grabbed his hand again; continuing. “Tell me about how we met. Tell me about the sea. Tell me about how we met by the sea.”
“KiBum told me your name was Heechul.” He started. “I took your hand and introduced myself. Then we sat down on the beach and talked for hours. KiBum was there too. I think he was happy about the fact that we were friends. Maybe he was happy about the sunset too. It was beautiful. Do you remember it?”
I closed my eyes and nodded. “Yes.”
“It was starting to get cold but you didn’t seem to bother. You offered me your jacket but you didn’t have one. KiBum said you had forgotten it at the school.”
“KiBum says a lot.”
Hankyung laughed and nodded. “He really does.”
“You talk a lot about the sea.”
He was used to my quick change of subjects by now. “I love the sea.”
“Can’t you see why?” He pointed at the water. “It’s so beautiful.”
“I really like you.” I confessed, tightening my gip around his hand.
He smiled, probably trying to hide the fact that it hurt a little. “I like you too.”
But when I leaned in to kiss him, he leaned back.
“We should get back to your room.” He tried to stand up, but I pulled him back down again.
“Why don’t you want to kiss me?”
“I don’t kiss people” and I know he lied. He had the perfect lips for it.
“Yes you do. Kiss me.”
“Heechul, I don’t’ want to.”
“But I thought you liked me.”
“Yes I do but I’m your friend. Friends don’t kiss.”
“Then we’re not friends anymore.”
“I love you, Hankyung.”
I felt him wince as I pressed my nails into his wrists. “You don’t love me.”
“He told him to do this to me, didn’t he?”
“I don’t know who you’re talking about.” This time, he told the truth, I notice.
“KiBum.” I said your name in spite, something I’ve never done before. “He told you to make me love you, didn’t he?”
“No, he didn’t.”
“But I DO.”
“I’m sorry.” He tried to pry my hand away but without any further success. “Can you please let go of me?”
He tried to stand up and I pulled him back down again. This time he seemed to lose his balance and as he fell into the pool, some of the water made its way out of it; covering my body with its cold. It was pure mockery. He loved it more than he loved me. Apparently Hankyung didn’t like being in the water as much as being by it. He grabbed the edge, looking up at me with pleading eyes.
“Help me up.”
I liked the way his hair moved in the water. It was almost as if it was alive. Hankyung and water was beautiful together.
”Seriously, Heechul. It’s fucking freezing.”
I merely smiled and grabbed his hair instead, pushing him down just a little so that the strands could swim freely in the water. Apparently he didn’t think it was as beautiful as I did. He protested and waved his arms around above the surface, but once again I was stronger. I pushed him down further so that all of his head was now underneath the surface. God, his hair was beautiful. So mesmerized by the beauty of it all, I didn’t notice when he stopped protesting. Maybe he realized how beautiful it was. I think he did.
But then you came and ruined it all.
And it’s now when you look at me with your accusing eyes that I realize what it is that you wanted from the start. You didn't even touch me, yourself. No, you let some of your friends pry my hands away from Hankyung’s silky strands and then drag me away from the pool. And now you’re here; towering above me and all you can think is Him, him, him! I want him!
But it’s not Hankyung you’re thinking about.
Your friends have found my jacket, I notice as I’m incapable of moving my arms. You merely shake your head, saying “I don’t know what to do with you anymore.”
And I know that I am also one of those pipes that you looked down into when you thought no one was watching.
“What about the tree?” I ask.
”The oak tree. What did you do with it?”
”There is no tree.”
”What did you do with our tree?!” I can't help but raising my voice.
”Heechul, there was never a tree.”
”But it was the only tree the school had.”
”There never was a school.” Such lies.
”Don't you remember us sitting underneath it? Don't you remember? And then we were by the sea and you introduced me to Hankyung.”
The lies, i can't stand them. But I know you lied for me. For the purpose of shattering my dreams but still, it was for me.
“Heechul, I had hopes in you. I tried, I really did.”
Hope. You hoped. And somehow, I pity you for it.
“I can’t fight for you anymore.” You shake your head. “I’m sorry. It’s over.”
I know for sure now.
You love me.
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erhm... yeah.. you can shoot me now 8D