Title: First Love
Pairing: Eunhyuk/Junsu, and some YooSu [Eunhyuk's POV]
A/N: I must warn you that this is really angsty. And the night I wrote this, well, let's just say I had a pretty rough day. :|
oh, and crossposted to hug______
It's these lonely nights again, and you've been wanting someone, just someone to be by your side. To kiss you, to touch you, to make you feel loved. Even if it's only for the night, it would be enough for you.
And that scene keeps on rewinding in your head like a broken record. You blame yourself for staying in that place, because you were supposed to be somewhere else, doing something more important, something that you needed to do. You blame yourself for caring - for being curious about what was happening in that room even though it was none of your business.
But deep inside, you knew it was your business. Because you love him. And your mistake is, that you let him go.
But you stayed. You stayed, risking your oblivion about the two of them. Even though you always knew what was going on, it hurt so much seeing the real thing because you always denied it. You always, always denied it. And it hurts doing so, because you knew you'd be proven wrong one day, and that dreaded night came.
Yoosu... couple... you say bitterly in your head.
The two of them are your friends. Good friends that laugh and share good times together. You're supposed to be happy for them, but you'd be lying if you said that you weren't jealous. You'd deny and deny it, arguing with yourself how it was all just speculation and crazy fangirls being dellusional, but you know deep inside that the truth won't change, no matter how many times you tell yourself the opposite of the truth. And you won't even face the truth. Because you know that the truth hurts. It hurts so bad, and you don't know why.
You let him go.
You remember the day he debuted, and you felt bad, felt scared that things wouldn't be the same between the both of anymore. You were scared that he'll forget you, and you felt bad that the two of you didn't debut at the same time, like how both of you always said you would, like how both of you promised you'd debut at the same time. But he was ahead of you, and it tore you apart because you couldn't do anything but watch.
No, he let you go.
You remember the day you debuted, and you were terrified and excited to a point where no words can explain how you felt anymore. You remember him watching you. You remember how he sounded like, how he looked like, how you felt like, and the exact words he said when he congratulated you. He was the first one who did. And you cried. You always cried, because you knew that you deserved to cry tears of happiness, after all those tears you wished never came.
You let each other go.
Years have passed, and now both of you are part of Korea's most popular groups. DBSK and Super Junior. And there was nothing you'd want to change, because everything that happened led you to where you are now. You are happy, and if someone else was in your place, he would be happy too. Well, he should be. There was nothing you would change in the past if you could, but there are moments when sometimes, something feels incomplete. There are these rare moments, but they are significant, and you have this terrible longing for something you can't quite explain. And amidst those moments and everything in the moment - the people, the place, the emotions, the feelings... Something feels like it's missing.
You look up at the dark sky, asking yourself why you're here at this time of the night. And you say you need this when you don't, because all you need is somebody to hold you.
You wish he would be the one who would. Like how Junsu holds Yoochun, how Yoochun holds Junsu. The way they look at each other, the way they laugh, the way they play. Those subtle gestures and affections that you imagined felt so right. The way they look into each other's eyes and sing to each other, confessing and surrendering their love for each other. You wish you had somebody like that. A Yoochun... you silently tell yourself.
No, that doesn't feel right. A Junsu, your Junsu. You contemplate for awhile, and unconsciously, the frown on your face softens slightly, because remembering the times you spent together with him makes you feel like home. My Junsu, you tell yourself. You pause for awhile and you say it again. My Junsu, you tell yourself, a sad smile forming on your face.
And it hurts, because it feels so right.
Your Junsu. Yours, and no one else's.
You were unaware of the time, so you call it a night. You head home, and before you know it, you find yourself lying down on your bed, restless still, thinking about all the things that could have been.
But he's not yours anymore, you remind yourself for the thousandth time.
You turn to your side, and silently let the tears fall.
You let him go.