Pairing: TeukChul, One sided ShiChul
Rating: NC-17 for a handjob, some language, and blasphemy of course
Genre: ALTERNATE UNIVERSE!(You've been warned.), Romance, Angst, Action(?)
P.O.V.: 1st Person - Shiwon(Gasp, next part is Heechul XP)
Summary: Life isn't easy for those who must lie to survive.
I could feel the sweat beading on my brow. That day there was not a cloud in the sky nor a smile on anyone’s face…except his. I had seen his smile so many times before. To the people he knew and loved it was warm and it never failed to make the recipient of it’s warmth smile as well. Towards myself and all those around me it was a condescending smirk that tugged at his lips just so. It made the burn within me much greater than that of the sun baking my skin turning it an even darker tan I would notice later in my bathroom mirror.
No matter where we went he was never too far behind and I hated him even though I knew that was a sin. I hated him so much because of everything he was and all he represented. His was a freedom I could never have, confidence I could only fake, pure smiles I could never reproduce, but above all he was himself and I could never be myself.
Everything smelled of wet asphalt after the early morning shower brought on by spring and gray clouds which had vanished in the noon-day sun. I didn’t dislike the smell but it was such a sharp contrast to what I could only imagine he smelled like. When his smiles were bright and happy, I just knew that in those moments he smelled of fresh roses and spring lilies. These vile thoughts came so fast I could rarely stop them, only push them aside and pray they didn’t return. I prayed often and hard over these feelings hoping that my God would deliver me from them.
All my life I had loved God, obeyed his laws and listened to the teachings of his son but now that I was older these moments of weakness assailed me. At night my eyes would water and I’d tear at my hair. The urge to punch my wall was strong in these moments but I’d never hit anyone or anything in my life and I didn’t plan on starting. Instead I would lay silently in bed, gritting my teeth until it hurt then tossing and turning until I achieved fitful sleep. In the mornings my showers were always cold and my tears always bitter for I did not understand why the Lord put me through such trial.
Those in the Bible who suffered as I suffered at the hands of Satan were always rewarded by God and I did my best to focus on the eventual reward of my hard work. It was extremely hard to focus on such things when he was around me. I’d always clutch my sign tightly in both hands while he waved his own viciously before me, chanting with the other protestors none of whom held a candle to his beauty and passion. He was their unlikely leader and I stood in awe of him with clenched jaw and narrowed eyes to appear disapproving. I would say prayers at night apologizing for lying with these expressions. They were a lie. I shouldn’t ever lie but in this case I felt like I had to, I gave in to the temptation and hate that wasn’t really hate at all.
But I convinced myself it was hate and that he was Satan because to accept him would be to reject everything I had ever known and his smile couldn’t possibly be worth all of that. I told myself this as I watched him parade up and down the block. Wind ruffled his hair prettily and the sign in my hands became so heavy I had to make a more conscious effort to keep it held upright. He was laughing and my heart ached. Turning to look at my own group I noticed no one was laughing or smiling. All the faces were grave, grimly set with disapproval as shouts of eternal damnation for wretched sinners and vile queers flew past their lips.
These words I heard so often alarmed me and I must have looked surprised because when he noticed me he looked surprised too. Our eyes had met before but never quite like this. Then as soon as the moment had come it was gone and he turned back to his own group, chanting now all the louder to drown out the cries of my brothers and sisters in Christ. Everything felt wrong and I couldn’t stay where I was any longer. Looking behind myself to my father I nodded towards a nearby building that allowed us to use their bathroom during our protests and he nodded firmly in approval. I handed my sign to a man I didn’t know, today was his first protest with us and when he screamed spit would fly from his lips and I had to ignore it when it would hit the back of my neck or I’d feel sick.
Not daring to look towards him and his group, the beautiful boy who wore white and blue today showing off pretty spring colors to match a gorgeous smile, I hurried inside the Laundromat and it’s cool air. Pausing for a moment to pant as if I had ran when I actually had just jogged, the front door’s glass I leaned against was cool to the touch and I appreciated it. The old women behind the counter did not and I flew off the door quickly with a bowed head and apologies falling from my lips that she didn’t seem to appreciate either. Her face was old and worn, deadpan gaze looking out past the glass and into the street where war raged. To this day I still don’t know whose side she was on.
Slowly I walked past the silent washers and dryers. No one came to do laundry on scheduled protest days. There was a vending machine, soda machine whose second coke button was broken after being jabbed in viciously by something unable to be pulled back out, and then after both machines the door I was searching for which led to their restroom.
It was even hotter in the tight dark room. My hand patted the wall beside me somewhat frantically, I was on edge as is and what could be crawling about in the darkness within the dirty building didn’t help to calm me down. The fluorescent lighting flickered on then droned as it lit up the room dimly. Squinting until my eyes adjusted to the odd mix of strange light and persistent darkness I tried to breathe slowly. My white button down was a soft cotton but clung to me anyway as did the khaki pants which I could now see displayed the start of my erection.
Groaning in a mix of shame and disbelief I shut my eyes tight and willed it away but once my eyes shut all I saw was him. Shoving myself roughly off the bathroom door I took two staggering steps within the small space and moved to the toilet. A strong mix of anger and self-loathing choked me and distracted me from the dirty wall which I leaned against with one hand while my other worked open the front of my pants. Taking my erection firmly in hand I stroked myself quickly being careful not to hurt myself either Eyes stayed shut, clenching a bit tighter as though that would help bring his face to my mind. I growled but the sound was choked out by a soft sob-like noise which made me bite my lip harshly so I wouldn’t make any more noises that scared me.
My shoes tried to slip on the wet tile beneath them, fingers gripping uselessly at the tile wall as I envisioned myself falling face forward and knocking myself out. What if my father found me like this…what if he found me like this…and the thoughts of him made my head spin. My hand worked faster and my stomach knotted up. The heat of my erection seemed to scald my hand. Quickly my eyes snapped open as I looked down at my throbbing cock so that I could angle it just right, down into the toilet bowl. My body shuddered fiercely as I came hard, the pearl white release making little noise as it blurred into the clear water around it. Panting raggedly it was hard to breathe in the heat of the bathroom.
I could feel the tears on my cheeks, the sweat covering me from head to toe. Snatching a few squares of toilet paper I wiped off my cock before guiding it back into my khakis. Next I needed to wash my hands and as I did so the compulsion to wash my face welled up within me. Splashing the cool water over my face I tried to remember how to breathe, how to think, and as conscious thought returned to me so did my prayers. Saying them rapidly one after the other within my aching head I flushed the toilet before stagger back into the slightly cooler air of the empty Laundromat.
Not wanting to look outside or at the old women whose eyes seemed to be boring into me I decided that outside was the better of the two options because he was outside. My heart felt raw and the emotion I had turned into hate flared up in me. The two groups had crashed together like waves. I saw flying fists and clashing signs. It was a blur of colors and faces that confused me to no end. Nothing like this had ever happened before. Still the woman leaned against the counter and watched, making no move to call the police or hide. Walking towards the front door as though mesmerized I thought I heard her call out and try to stop me but I can’t really say if I heard anything at all because I had seen him darting into an alley and I had to follow him.
Hurrying out the door now that he was no longer in sight I turned the corner quickly. No one called out to try and stop me or get my attention so I hoped I hadn’t been seen at all. When I too disappeared into the alley I could see him up ahead of me. He’d been running pretty fast and now he rested at the end of the alleyway by a chain link fence, too high to jump but easy to climb, trying to catch his breath. His hair hid his face and he leaned on his knees, hands white knuckled as they gripped his pant legs. I noticed all this as I drew close and soon I was standing next to him silently watching him pant.
It didn’t take him long to realize I was there. I think he knew I was following him before I even stepped foot out of the Laundromat. Slowly his head rose and he squinted up at me, one of his eyes shut to keep sweat from his brow out of it, “What do you want?” He snapped. He sounded both tired and somewhat worried. His voice was finally directed at me but before I could reply to his question he looked away from me with an agitated sigh. My brows knitted in confusion, slightly hurt at the rejection, “I…” but what did I want? Now I felt like an idiot as I stood bashfully before him at a loss for words.
Straightening up to his full height he rested a hand on his lip and looked at me with hard suspicious eyes, eyes that would never trust easily, “What was that look for earlier?” I could feel my cheeks flushing faintly and once more I had nothing at all to say. Looking down to his bright red Converse then my own black and white Nikes I felt a world apart from him even though we were right before one another. Hearing him snort I looked back up just in time for his words to smack me in the face, “Aren’t you going to tell me to burn in hell? Beat the shit out of me and leave me bleeding because I made a different choice with my life that you don’t like? You’re all fucking pathetic hypocrites! I only come to these things to laugh at all of you. Grow the fuck up and realize that there is no God little boy. You’re wasting your fucking life chasing after your own self righteous tail.”
He was so angry, his eyes burned bright and his chest heaved as he sucked in breath so he could spew more heresy. His words scared me and his anger brought out my own anger. Clinging to all I had ever known I knew only to defend the Lord who had never rejected me, never yelled at me and called me names. I knew he was going to yell more and it made my heart tremble, made my head ache, so I grabbed his shoulders and slammed him into the brick behind him, praying to God that He would make all the lies stop.
At some point I had closed my eyes and I opened them when he grew tense in my grip. I realized I was touching him, realized what I had done. Letting him go quickly as though he were on fire I jumped back a good foot looking at him with wide eyes. I was even more scared than before because I didn’t understand why I had done that, why the Lord hadn’t stopped me from hurting someone so beautiful. Did that mean the Lord didn’t find him beautiful or did it mean there was no Lord?
Now I too was thinking sinful thoughts I had no business thinking and this was all his fault. Turning to look at him with angry hurt eyes I saw him looking at me once more but his eyes were wide with a mix of disbelief and fear.
“HEECHUL!” I heard someone scream at the mouth of the alley and I watched his head jerk to look towards whoever had called out. Heechul was his name…Heechul was crumpled on the ground looking between the blurred figure running towards us and the blood on his finger tips. Blood…I could feel my legs scrambling but I hadn’t told them to move. The tips of my shoes hooked into the chain link fence and my heart felt like it might burst as I tried to breathe and scale the wire which stood between me and escape.
I was halfway up the fence when I felt a strong hand grip the bottom of my pant leg and tug so hard I nearly fell backwards. My fingers gripped the metal fiercely to keep me upright and I could feel my knuckles ache from the effort.
“You’re just as disgusting as your father Choi Shiwon! Get down here and fight me like a man! Let‘s see your God defend you!” I heard a voice I didn’t know bellowing at me as the stranger tugged viciously at my pants leg yet again. I didn’t know him or why he hated me and my father but I could guess.
Then I heard Heechul’s voice, his soft angelic voice delivering me from peril, “Jungsoo-ah just let him go! I-I’m bleeding…” He sounded so scared and I could feel my heart break. Something inside me shattered, the sound of his tears had broken it, and if that boy really was Satan then in that moment he won. The man named Jungsoo let go of my pants leg instantly and I quickly scrambled up the rest of the fence like a video taken off of pause. Jumping down onto the other side I only turned back once as I ran down the opposite side of the alley. Jungsoo was carrying Heechul back in the other direction and Heechul’s eyes locked once more with mine. I knew he watched me run until I disappeared around the corner breathless and aching in more places than I had ever ached before.
Stopping to catch my breath I could still feel his eyes on me, the sun beating down on my back as though pushing me to run so I did run. I didn’t stop running until I got home and once I was home I ran into my room and locked my door tightly. My father didn’t like it when I locked my door but I was broken now and I didn’t care. Sitting shakily on the edge of my bed everything slowed and as I stared at the carpet beneath my dirty shoes I hadn’t even taken off at the door, all I could see was his blood.