Pairing: TeukChul with mentions of ShiHan, KangTeuk, HanChul, and KiChul
Rating: R for Language, Sexual Situations, Sexual Implications
Genre: Romance and Angst
P.O.V.: 3rd Person Omniscient Shifting between Eeteuk and Heechul Focus
Summary: It's been yet another long day and just because said long day happens to be Eeteuk's birthday does not make it forgiving. Forgiveness, acceptance, and realization will all be explored within this fifth part of the six part arc it belongs to. What will be his decision?
ATTENTION!: While it is possible to read this fic on it's own, reading it after having read the first four parts of the arc will greatly clarify the situations and emotions present. Enough of the last four parts are mentioned within this fic so that there is little to no confusion, but a more enjoyable experience can be had if all five parts are read in order. Thank you ♥
Bonus: Within the fic Jungsoo's laugh is spoken of, so here is a link to this very special laugh if you do not know it personally ♥ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJjvzce3qxo
2. The Morning After - TeukChul - PG-13: Some Language, Possible Mentions of Sex - Heechul POV - Genre: Angst, Romance
3. Burning Through You - HanChul - NC-17: Oral sex, cursing - Heechul POV - Genre: Romance, Smut
4. Late Night Walks - Kibum/Heechul, mentioned Shiwon/Hankyung and Kangin/Eeteuk(<-if you squint) - R: Language - Genre: Friendship, Romance, Light Angst
5. What you are about to read :3
6. In Progress...
Sometimes he pushed too much, went too far. Some thought this a very endearing trait. They would say “Oh that playful scamp” or something close to that. Others would just glare and seethe wishing they could stop him. That was the key. No one could stop Kim Heechul once he had begun something, not without consequences. Most didn’t find those consequences all that pleasant so they stayed out of his way but today the man who called himself a princess was trying the patience of someone who he rarely met in a battle of wills for good reason.
Park Jungsoo had to put up with a great deal of shit. At the end of the day everything was shit. There was the bullshit at the office, the bullshit at home, and the bullshit in-between. It was a never ending downpour and just because that day happened to be his birthday didn’t mean anything. Same shit different day, as they say, the shit was just a different shade of brown was all. He forced the smiles and pinched himself to stay awake when no one was looking, occasionally repeating his schedule over and over in his head as added precaution to keep his mind busy and therefore awake. The eternal leader had graciously taken the mounds of gifts, bowed and thanked and smiled, but all he really and truly wanted on his birthday was sleep. A whole night’s worth that he already knew he wouldn’t be getting.
At the end of the day all he wanted to do was go home but he had more work to tend to and that always came before his wants. Being the leader meant having a leader sized work load after all. When he finally made it home, arms laden with the weight of dozens of gifts, he immediately found it odd that a light was on in his kitchenette. Eeteuk had told Kangin he didn’t need to come over and celebrate, that they could do that later in the week when they both had time, but it seemed his wants were ignored once more. He sighed softly and felt the energy flow out of him. The man crumpled to the ground under the weight of his gifts and just sat there on the scuffed wood floor listening to the sounds of his home. Hadn’t he done everything right that day? So why was he being punished? Ah, that was because the shit never stopped. He was caught in an eternally flowing stream of shit. He’d forgotten this in the momentary bliss of being alone, door firmly shut and locked behind him.
Slowly he slid the packages off his arms and left them to sit on the floor, they weren’t important right then, most not important in the first place. There were very few gifts the leader cherished and it wasn’t because of what they were but because of who they came from. Very few people gave gifts from the heart these days and he could see the gifts wrapped in pretense and fake smiles quite easily. Pushing himself up onto his feet he tiredly tried to convince himself that having Kangin over wasn’t that bad, but his face ached from all the forced smiling that day and the only way he could stop Kangin’s barrage of corny jokes would be to smile for him. The man sighed once more as he walked through the living room quietly and into the kitchenette.
To Jungsoo’s surprise, and relief, there was no Kangin waiting for him but as he had suspected several piles of gifts sat on his bar. A covered plate of dinner, seemingly endless baggies of sweets, a little grouping of alcohol bottles, his mail which threatened to topple over in the bar stool it had been stacked in, a special card sent over from the members in China, and a large poster board letter signed and decorated by Eunhyuk, Kangin, Sungmin, Yehsung, Shindong and…but no, Heechul’s signature couldn’t be found on the card. Heechul was supposed to be at home after all, in bed and resting for a month. Jungsoo made a mental note to visit the man when he had time and then made another mental note to make some time to go visit in the first place. Shortly after making these notes, as his eyes tiredly but appreciatively moved over all the gifts, Jungsoo heard a thud.
It was a hollow thud and it had sounded from his bedroom making the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. His eyes darted to the card, reading the notes left behind in sharpie marker with increasing unease as all mentioned leaving him to rest on his birthday so they could celebrate later when he wasn’t so tired. If they were all gone then…Eeteuk swallowed around a sigh in his throat and wondered if a fan, or an anti, would go so far as to break into his home to hurt him on his birthday. Wasn’t that a bit too paranoid of him though? Then again he was malnourished, over worked, and running on little sleep so it would make sense that he thought a fan was waiting in the shadows of his bedroom. Who else could it be? Well it could be…
Eyes slid slowly to the counter top, lingering long enough for Jungsoo so pick up a wine bottle by it’s neck and turn it upside down, brandishing it like a weapon as he silently crept towards his bedroom. Although he was fairly certain he knew who it was better safe than twitching on the ground bleeding. His mind jumped from one possibility to the next, some logical and some as far from logic as him receiving a vacation.
Could Kangin have stayed behind secretly? The younger man really did grate on Eeteuk’s nerves some days and if it was him then the leader might just smack him with the wine bottle for the hell of it. What they did…it was a way for Eeteuk to vent and live from day to day, but it was clear to the leader that Kangin didn’t understand what was really going on between them or that Eeteuk was in complete control of it and when it happened. He let Kangin believe what he wanted to only occasionally reminding him they weren’t together whenever Kangin decided it was the right time to say I Love You. Those moments were always awkward, but Jungsoo always had to leave to do something work related shortly after they finished so he didn’t really experience the aftermath. Sometimes Kangin was quiet for a few days and other times he didn’t seem deterred in any way whatsoever, but in the end Jungsoo had explained to Kangin exactly what his place was and if the younger couldn’t handle it then that was his own fault. Eeteuk had too many other things to worry about and one could only have so much pity for a person who brought misfortune down upon their own heads. He couldn’t make the world happy and Kangin was just one more person he was doomed to disappoint.
Jungsoo used the wine bottle to gently push open his bedroom door, as it was pulled to and not shut firmly, eyes sliding inside and around slowly to assess the situation. The wine bottle fell from his grip and rolled away a few inches from his socked feet on the thick carpet. He was frozen in a mixture of emotion so strong it became tempting to shut down entirely and throw himself out of a window. He didn’t want to deal with this today but he had been given little choice.
His bedroom was lit by candles. Some sat flickering quietly, hot wax puddling in dishes and cups, others sat atop makeshift holsters as wax ran down their sides and onto his dresser and bedside table. What a lovely mess to clean. The room smelled of all sorts of things but mainly vanilla and strawberry, the two scents very strong and battling for dominance in the room. One inhale smelled like ice cream the next like fresh fruit.
But the real sight to behold, the amazingly pretty puzzling picture, laid at the center of the room. A trail of clothing which started by his door and led to the side of his bed alerted Eeteuk to the fact that he wasn’t alone. Their shirt was a crisp white button down that slowly gathered wrinkles as it lay crumpled on the floor not too far away from formerly pressed black slacks. A dark crimson silk tie was still around their pretty pale neck. Kim Heechul’s body lay sprawled out on the now mussed sheets of Eeteuk’s bed, crimson ribbon to match his loose silk tie twining up his legs and torso then his arms down to his wrists winding about long fingers. Crème cotton sheets twisted about long legs as the fabric crashed up against smooth skin to gently caress. The ribbon was loose in places and tight in others. This proved a stark contrast to the man’s pale skin which remained taught as always pulled to long delicate bones creating sensuous curves that Eeteuk was hard pressed to tear his eyes away from. Heechul’s hair was mussed in a way that showed it had been washed recently, bits still wet and clinging to pale flushed cheeks. The flush quickly shifted the leader’s thoughts from lust to concern.
Eeteuk’s first thought was that Heechul was sick, why else would he be flushed? What if something was horribly wrong because of his recent surgery? Just as he convinced himself that there was no way Heechul could be that sick he realized that indeed there was no real reason to worry, his eyes catching sight of an opened wine bottle on the nightstand. The alluring sight before him turned his thoughts upside down so quickly that he had scrambled for an excuse to ignore emotions he would have liked to keep buried. Tired gaze roamed over his bed, over the wine stains here and there. The only solace Jungsoo took in this was the fact that it had been white wine. The liquid also looked like it stained the man’s body in places. Heechul had been drinking as he wound himself in the ribbon was the leader‘s assumption. Jungsoo took a few moments to better inspect Heechul’s body, for the man’s benefit to make sure he was alright and not Teuk’s own of course, and his eyes softened just a bit as he noticed the healing scar on the man’s leg. To get there he must have taken an extra pain killer…or two. Then he drank? Jungsoo groaned softly and buried his face in his hands, how stupid did you get? The now empty wine glass laid in his company’s loosened grip up by his head. The whole picture was quite a sight indeed and Eeteuk was still struggling to process it, having been given a new excuse to hide within.
Had Heechul attempted to give himself to Eeteuk as a birthday gift? It started slow at first, something that sounded like a soft giggle. That progressed into a chuckle which was followed by a snort, a noise which quickly flowed into the leader’s unique and seemingly cackling laughter. The laughter was that of pure disbelief at first then it quickly became hysterical. He couldn’t breathe but he couldn’t stop laughing either. Heechul slept on, passed out and unaware of his gasping leader who fell to his knees, fingers trembling as they gripped the thick carpet tightly while he coughed and choked back the laughter and the tears. He didn’t know why the tears had come but he didn’t question it, deciding he’d rather not know. He had said just that once…he had never led Heechul to believe this would ever happen again…but Heechul never listened.
Jungsoo’s arms gave out as he breathed slowly and shakily, hanging his head between his biceps while his elbows supported him along with his knees. Then, he felt something hit the back of his head. It was wet and followed by the strong smell of alcohol. His eyes shot open as he watched the wine drip off of him and into the carpet, waiting in shock for the flow of liquor to stop so he could look up. Tongue traced over full lips absently, the leader curious to see if the wine was more bitter tasting than his tears. As the pouring stopped a soft giggle filled the room, “It took you long enough to get home.” The voice was smooth and soft even though the man had just woken back up leading Eeteuk to question whether or not Heechul had even been sleeping in the first place.
Tilting his head up slowly the wine trickled down his neck, shoulders, arms, and back in little rivulets staining his shirt, the strong smell alone was enough to make his head spin a bit. This was too much. What was going on? Had Heechul just…was he really…the fuck… Pulling himself to his feet carefully using the footboard on the bed as an anchor Heechul slowly slid into the leader’s line of sight. The princess had laid back against the pillows and was slowly sucking on a strawberry in a way that was meant to make one’s knees weak. A silver bowl shimmered on the nightstand beside the bed and if Eeteuk hadn’t had other more pressing issues to think on he would have questioned where the bowl had come from. There was chocolate on the strawberry and Heechul was licking it off now with his warm pink tongue, slow licks up the berry’s sides leaving his tongue stained with the sweet treat, fingernails shining smooth and bright red in the candle light. This whole time Heechul’s eyes stayed locked onto his leader, half lidded and hazy from a mix of medication, alcohol, and possibly lust…well once Teuk thought about the situation at hand it became ‘probably lust‘.
It had happened before. That one night…it seemed ages ago now and yet there was a naked man, save ribbon, on his bed whose presence forced his hand, moments that had been buried rising back into his conscious mind. It was a sweet memory that he had not really thought on in quite some time. Every now and then he doubted it had ever happened at all but the glances Heechul sent his way in the weeks that had followed when only Eeteuk was looking, that hollow smile tinged with hope, reminded the leader he hadn’t been dreaming that night.
The princess had become impatient with Eeteuk’s distant eyed musings and a smooth leg lifted to brush prettily painted red toes down the front of the man’s shirt. Eeteuk’s tired eyes slid back to the beauty on his bed and he smiled softly, an indulgent smile so as not to rile the ticking time bomb on his sheets. The last thing Eeteuk wanted to deal with was a pissy, drunk, possibly drugged Heechul.
Heechul’s mind swam. He’d been waiting for what felt like ages on these sheets for Eeteuk to get home. His leg had ached earlier when he’d still been home alone and thinking why on Earth he was in his room in the first place after making such grand plans for his leader’s birthday which still needed to be carried out. Refusing to believe that his hesitance to go was nervousness, he’d gathered up some courage anyway and relocated after taking a few extra pain killers and hobbling to a cab. Heechul didn’t appreciate being alone and in pain so he’d found someone to be with. He couldn’t be around Hankyung again just yet…he didn’t know what to say to the man or what to do with Shiwon either. Then there was Kibum…He pushed the thoughts from his head and leveled his eyes back on his leader who was giving him that placating smile of his that more often than not had an undesired affect. When the leader smiled like this the boy felt like he was being dismissed and this feeling caused rage to boil within the youth nine times out of ten but not tonight, with waning drugs and alcohol mixing deliciously in his system, he just laughed softly. Why get mad at the birthday boy?
“Always trying so hard,” he spoke gently, his words not yet slurred but after another glass or two of wine probably would be, “You’re dead on your feet and yet you’re still trying to humor me. You just wanted a fuck and I got too attached but still you replied to my texts, tried to make the sting into a dull throb.” His words, which were usually blunt and direct, proved even more bare with little to stop him from speaking otherwise, “Then again you didn’t even want a fuck, I just gave it up.” This must have been funny because he chuckled. He was still laying back on the sheets, the ribbon seemingly alive as it moved with his breathing, words, and lazy hand gestures, “I want to give up now leader-shii. Life doesn’t make sense any more. I want to just lay here forever and pretend you enjoy the sight, let me fabricate a love that doesn’t exist. Can I be your Sleeping Beauty?” Another soft, this time sad, laugh, “But I cannot be. I’m Cinderella and you have your Beast. I can’t find my fucking shoes…” He said this with an agitation that bordered on anger having an overall tone of sadness thanks to how lightly it was spoken.
Glancing over to the nightstand where the bottle of wine had been set in trade for a strawberry, he found himself wanting of both to distract him from the eyes at the foot of the bed whose gaze burned him. “I know you don’t want me here, you don’t want to deal with this.” Another berry was picked from the bunch and he brought it up slowly to be sucked on briefly, licking his petal soft lips before continuing, “For some reason I thought maybe if I did all this you would just forget any good sense you might have had and give into me once more…but once was already one time too many for you I’m guessing.” Gently taking a bite of the berry he’d washed, cut, and dipped himself the night before he smiled softly and glanced back up to his leader, “We both know I want more and you don’t, but just take this gift. It’s your birthday and you deserve a treat.” The princess knew deep down that the eternal leader probably viewed this as more of a chore than a treat but he tried to ignore what he knew at least for the time being. A gentle somewhat desperate smile tugged up the corners of his lips, “And tomorrow we can go to the park.”
Eeteuk had promised the boy a trip to the park the morning after he’d left from their previous night’s carnal activities when the boy had texted him giddy and love drunk later that day. The leader had been calm, he was always calm, and he’d acted like nothing was amiss. He had agreed to go to the park, to watch the sunset on the swings just like Heechul had fondly asked, Eeteuk wondering if this was one of his bandmate’s childhood fantasies. Had Heechul wanted to take a grade school crush to do much the same long ago only to be denied the date? The bubble had burst a few texts later because Heechul was blunt and Eeteuk didn’t lie. The older had known since before they slept together that what would take place would not have a future. He couldn’t give Heechul the love and attention he deserved. That was a job for someone like Hankyung who had a big heart and slew of warm smiles, someone who was patient and who could cherish the man like he should be cherished. Eeteuk couldn’t give Heechul this and once he said so the illusion Heechul had been seeing was shattered. Had he cried? Eeteuk was fairly certain that he had cried but he didn’t like to think about it, or the long weeks Heechul had spent ignoring him pointedly. The princess had been more snappy and short tempered than usual and only a handful of their bandmates had put up with it well.
Heechul watched quietly as Eeteuk yet again lost himself in thought. The other never gave him answers and it riled the younger fiercely but he’d come to learn there was little he could do about it except try to ask the right questions at the right times.
Eeteuk knew now was the time to speak and reply to what Heechul had said before the raven haired beauty grew agitated, but what could he say? He smiled his soft indulgent smile, energy waning with each word he spoke, “You just know everything, don’t you.”
The princess blinked and his brow knitted ever so slightly. He hadn’t expected that response but he rarely knew what was coming next when it came to the leader. As much as Heechul wanted to say that yes he did know everything, he knew very well that in matters concerning Eeteuk he did not so he instead said nothing, moving to crawl forward towards the man, strawberry now finished.
Something in the way Heechul moved made Eeteuk want to back up a bit, as though a large predatory cat was slowly drawing closer, but he stood his ground for the time being. He wasn’t scared of Heechul, he was scared of hurting him and if he wasn’t careful then he might slip up. Again.
His body felt light and it seemed to drift as he asked it to move, stopping at the foot of the bed, his nose brushing Eeteuk’s gently, liquor stained breath ghosting over his leader’s lips, “Just let go.” Heechul knew he was probably asking too much of the leader, but that’s what the princess did. He demanded the world of those around him and his attentions went to whoever could hand him what he’d asked for. More often than not this plan went poorly, no one able to aid him, and when this happened Heechul just focused on who he most wanted to succeed. Not too long ago he’d put all his money on Hankyung only to be constantly disappointed. When Heechul had finally thought things would be okay, the Chinese boy having helped him up after his love for Eeteuk knocked him down, more problems appeared. Hankyung had looked so sad when he’d told Heechul it wasn’t going to work but the boy had felt no pity for yet another disappointment having ordered the man violently out of the room and when the dancer tried to stay and poorly explain himself in broken Korean the princess had growled and slapped him hard enough to knock his head to the side. Bellowing for the boy to get out, Heechul’s heart had lurched and knees trembled at the broken hearted look Hankyung sent him before hurrying out like he was told shutting the door softly behind himself. Perhaps Heechul wouldn’t have cried, allowing the incident to be less a dark stain and more a learning experience, but he’d heard Shiwon’s voice comforting Hankyung, heard them leave together, and once the door shut he screamed. Objects flying into walls and curses flying from his mouth, Heechul destroyed all he could until the tears came and he collapsed onto the bed he felt like dragging outside piece by piece and burning, curling up on his side silently. And now once more he was throwing himself at a man‘s feet who, if experience had taught him anything, probably wouldn’t want him for longer than a night if that.
Long fingers ran up into soft wine wet locks, Heechul kissing Eeteuk gently with plush lips that were a mix of sweet chocolate and bitter wine much like the princess who struggled to be sweet but couldn’t help being bitter. The kiss was a hungry one for the boy was starved for so much. He ached for sex, affection, companionship, but most importantly love. Even though it seemed like ages ago, it had only been a handful of months since the actor had realized how he truly felt about his elder. Having had Eeteuk to himself only to lose him not a day later, Heechul was now faced with the same outcome once more and just as he feared strong hands came to rest on his shoulders slowly guiding him back firmly. He watched the man carefully waiting for a reason as to what had just happened.
It wasn’t like Eeteuk had to give Heechul reasons for his actions but the leader knew Heechul would make a fuss if he did not; therefore, it was easier to explain things to the younger when his intense gaze rested expectantly on his leader. “Are you high and drunk?” Was the elder’s simple question.
Frowning softly Heechul replied, “I’m a little drunk, but I’ve never been high in my life,” grinning devilishly he amended, leaning in to lick at the shell of Eeteuk’s ear, “Except for that one time you were inside me~”
Shivers ran gently down the angel’s spine and did their best to try and cloud his thoughts and considering Heechul’s attire and how tired Eeteuk was of fighting the boy’s stubborn will it was a miracle the leader held strong to his worries. As though he were pausing time Eeteuk thought through the situation quickly once more to clear the lust from his mind. There was a good chance Heechul had indeed taken strong medicine then decided to drink, “How long ago did you take your pain pills?”
Blinking at the question which seemed very odd, Heechul decided it was best to just answer truthfully so as not to incur unnecessary wrath while attempting to impress, “At least three hours ago.” He’d taken them and waited thirty minutes for them to kick in, showered and gotten his things ready which was a solid hour. Then, the car ride had been nearly thirty minutes thanks to traffic. Once he arrived at Eeteuk’s apartment he’d made his way in easily since he had his key from when he’d lived with Eeteuk and Donghae. Setting about laying out the pieces of his present to the angelic leader had taken well over an hour, then came the waiting.
There was a small chance Heechul’s medication had been in his system long enough for an alcohol chaser to just make him fuzzy, not in danger of a coma, but the leader didn’t want to take chances. He was never one to take chances, “I need to take you to the hospital.”
Eyes widened at the verdict and long fingers slid out of Eeteuk’s hair so that arms could wrap around the leader’s neck and shoulders, “If you bring me in that will only cause trouble, the need for a cover up, several hours before, during, and after talking with manager-hyung, explaining to all the other members, further suspension of my activities, and so on.” Pausing with soft pleading eyes Heechul’s hands found their way back into Jungsoo’s damp hair, voice softer now and not so matter of fact, “Please believe me. I’m fine. I just…I want this.“ What he wanted to say was he needed this but the princess refrained and finished in a soft and sultry tone, “Let me give you everything.”
Jungsoo knew very well Kim Heechul was not capable of giving him ‘everything’ as he had so romantically promised, but the eternal leader was also not literal enough to think Heechul actually had meant everything. Knowing that the younger wanted to give him a more personalized version of everything including but not limited to pleasure, love, attention, affection, and sex, Eeteuk still found himself worrying about if the younger needed to be on his way to the hospital. Eventually he would have to stop and deal with this latest problem of Heechul apparently still not having moved on from what had happened but first thing was first, making sure Heechul would be alive to realize he needed to move on. Just bringing in the raven haired beauty anyway even if he wasn’t sick would cause far too much drama to be worth it but if he was ill…Eeteuk needed to find out just how wasted the princess was and he set to this quest and the daunting task of helping Heechul realize that moving on was the best choice via use of his cleverness: by asking questions.
Biding his time, Jungsoo’s hands slid from Heechul’s shoulders to his hips, guiding him back onto the bed and carefully crawling up on it after the man, sitting cautiously before his friend, “Heechul, why are you here?” He said this as if he was an elementary school teacher and the actor was a student who had wondered into the wrong classroom, each word softly spoken and carefully thought out.
While this was a very good question, Heechul felt now was the time for action and not discussion. Having his hyung on the bed was a step in the right direction but that did not mean he’d yet won the battle. Whenever Eeteuk asked questions he expected answers so the man knew there would be no way around this…entirely. Deciding to further both their agendas at once, Heechul leaned in carefully. It was a slow and deliberate lean so as not to startle the birthday boy or make his own head spin. Resting his head on Eeteuk’s shoulder the princess sighed softly, letting soft lips grace smooth neck with a warm kiss before he responded, each word sending hot puffs of breath out along the leader’s skin, “I’m here because it’s your birthday and I wanted to give you an extra special present.”
With a tired sigh, Eeteuk leveled his un-amused gaze at Heechul out of the corners of his eyes once more in hopes the boy would clearly see that was not the answer he’d been waiting to hear as it did not answer the question he had asked.
Seeing this would be far from an easy talk, long fingers drifted over to grip lightly onto the hem of the leader’s shirt. Heechul knew he had taken some liberties in answering the elder’s question but he had hoped it would either be ignored or not noticed. Little went unnoticed by Eeteuk and the princess sighed softly, almost like a huff, going quiet to think about this answer for a prolonged moment. Why was he there? Fiddling absently with the shirt hem in his grip, the man’s eyes remained half lidded and cast down to the carpet as he spoke softly, “Being anywhere else wouldn’t make any sense.”
Blinking a bit shocked at such a response, aka not complete bullshit, Eeteuk asked yet another question in hopes of more honest answers, “Why is that Heechul?”
Going quiet once more to ponder this, the princess leaned into his leader a bit more firmly so that he was supported…support… “I feel alone…no one cares…everyone lies…I don’t know what to do anymore but I knew today was your birthday…and for the first time in a while I knew what to do…knew what I wanted to do. Being alone…it isn’t much fun…I didn’t want you to be alone on your birthday like I‘ve been alone.”
About half of what Heechul was saying made sense and the other half made no sense whatsoever which prompted more questions from Eeteuk, “Who doesn’t care Heechul? What doesn’t make sense?”
Not wanting to go into this at all as he was indeed naked save for ribbon and tipsy and would’ve rather liked to celebrate a handsome man’s birthday instead of pry open the wounds in his heart, Eeteuk was giving him little choice in the matter so Heechul continued to answer if only to finish what had already begun, “I took your advice…and thought things might work with Hankyung and I…but things turned sour when he said that he wasn‘t sure about us…I got angry and he turned to Shiwon who I thought would just harp about how I was a heathen…but instead he decided to profess undying love to him…and Hankyung…pushed me away further so as not to hurt either of us but then…well I didn‘t win that one…” He was suddenly very tired, “I…didn’t think I could come to you…I was lonely…everyone knows how that feels right?” Now that the wounds had been picked at they were bleeding and whenever they bled words would gush from Heechul like in this moment where after being removed from his hyung for so long he could now finally say everything that had crossed his mind, “Coming to you…would’ve hurt…and things haven’t felt the same with anyone since we……at night I’d get lonely…and Kibummie was finally home…I’d go lay in bed with him and sometimes we would talk and laugh…after catching Shiwon and Hankyung together…it was just…I needed someone to talk to and didn’t want to bother you with my whining,” the man just couldn’t look up at Eeteuk, he could feel his cheeks burning faintly and his eyes watering. Why had he even come? This was all so ridiculous and he couldn’t quite fathom how he’d become so confident in this idea to begin with, but the wounds still bled and so the words continued to pour past his lips, “s-so I kissed him one night and it all seemed perfect…so amazing…like everything fit together just right and the world made sense again…” A soft pained chuckle left him and he buried his face quietly in Eeteuk’s shoulder, shutting his eyes tightly as his voice quieted, “Nothing makes sense any more Jungsoo-ah…Kibummie…he keeps his door locked now…even if he left it open I wouldn’t want to go in…that was a mistake…”
He felt like he was drowning in the blood pouring out of his heart‘s wound, the pain which steadily filled him up, “I ask him questions he can’t answer…I see he…he can’t be what I need…he can be so much else…but with what I want he isn’t enough.” Sniffling softly so as not to leak on his friend’s shirt an acidic and bitter laugh left him, “Maybe I’m being too picky…maybe people aren’t meant to be perfect for one another…sometimes people just have to settle for ‘good enough’ or ‘the best they can do’. This is life’s big secret I was never told…” He had been hurting so badly when he’d gone to Kibum, everything looked like it would be perfect again, like back before their schedules had begun to clash. At first it had been perfect, just like before, but then the problems returned, the mirage of the past had vanished and they were left bare before one another. Both were older, wiser in some ways and more negligent than ever in others, but regardless of all else they had grown and in growing moved in two different directions. They were on paths of life that refused to converge, and Heechul had turned back to walk into the past where the pain of his present could be forgotten for a little while as he slept amongst the dreams which he’d left behind, the happiness he could never have again.
While Eeteuk had hoped Heechul would actually give some thought to why he had come, the leader did not expect the boy to pour his heart out, but he should have. The leader had been so sure someone else had been there to listen to each pain and ache so that a build up like this wouldn’t occur but it seemed that the man beside him had been running into all the wrong arms and was now a royal mess because of it. That was Heechul’s problem in Eeteuk’s mind, he never stopped running. For someone rather physically lazy with most activates it had always baffled Eeteuk that the man’s emotions ran a mile a minute. The younger didn’t easily trust, this Eeteuk knew, but he could be civil and entertaining to people he wasn’t necessarily close to. Then again the leader knew Heechul tried not to venture out too often so as not to have to deal with new people, but this was an entirely different problem; the problem at hand being people Heechul trusted losing his trust far too rapidly for him to cope with.
This would not be easy, nor would it be pleasant, but if he tried hard enough Eeteuk hoped that he could successfully calm down the younger man and somehow get him home without the other falling apart physically or mentally. Still reeling from all the man had explained and confessed, Eeteuk ran a hand through Heechul’s soft locks wrapping his other arm about nearly bare body in a loose embrace. It was clear that the actor was hurting and the leader didn’t have the energy to be mad any more. Now he just wanted Heechul to be okay in more ways than one.
Being held felt lovely and the ribbon wrapped musician curled closer to his friend and leader needing to feel the heat of the embrace and the emotion buried within it. His voice was soft as he spoke, “I know you had a long day, and I’m sorry if I made it worse…but you work so hard for everyone…I wanted someone to work hard to make you smile today because that’s what birthdays are about.” Tilting his head up just a fraction so that he could softly kiss the man’s neck he whispered, “Happy Birthday Jungsoo-ah.”
The grip which the eternal leader had on the boy’s body tightened at these words. Chuckling softly into dark locks he kissed Heechul’s head and rested his own atop it, “Why give all this to me? I don’t deserve any of this.”
Shaking his head tenderly Heechul gave soft neck another kiss, “Yes you do Jungsoo-ah. You deserve this and so much more. I…I love you, that’s why I give all this to you. I don’t want to be anywhere else with anyone else.”
Feeling the exact danger Eeteuk had warned himself about drawing close to his heart and mind, lulling him into thinking maybe this wasn’t a bad idea, he tried to keep his wits about him. Heechul still had…but who did Heechul have? Knowing it would only upset the boy greatly if he started naming other men for the boy to present himself to, Eeteuk had to stop and really give thought to why this was a poor choice. Other members of the band were dating or fucking and everything went along just fine. Even though Heechul had been hurt by other band members no one would ever be able to tell such things for certain. If the princess knew how to hide pain perhaps there were other things he could hide…
Hand that ran through hair paused and chin continued to rest atop the soft locks for a long quiet moment. Eeteuk had to make a decision. The air in the room was thick with too many scents and it was overwhelming and distracting. Growling softly in frustration with this the leader scooted off the bed and tuned back to a wide eyed Heechul, pausing briefly to enjoy the confused look he found on his friend’s face before hauling him up bridal style.
An indignant squawk left Kim Heechul for while he would beg to be fucked and dangle himself before men wearing nothing but ribbon at the end of the day he was a guy and didn’t particularly enjoy being treated like a weaker partner 24/7. Since his leg did hurt and his head was enjoying some spinning no more complaint aside from that initial squawk left him and soon they were in the living room.
Eeteuk sat the boy down on the sofa and ran his hands through his hair, quick audible puff of breath leaving him as he ran hands through drying locks and the little ponytail which had held up his bangs slid out soundlessly and to the floor. Not noticing as more hair moved between his finger’s unhindered, the leader tried desperately to erase the pesky ‘what if’ that had cropped up in his mind. Would a hidden relationship be enough? He knew it wouldn’t be. Heechul would huff and puff, stomp and fuss, until he got his way and everyone knew and then what? So what, his mind supplied and a frustrated sigh of desperation flew past his lips before he could stop it. Eeteuk was pacing now but he didn’t notice.
Heechul noticed the pacing. It was hard for him not to. Watching as his former lover stepped quickly to and fro, while seemingly pondering grave matters, made the actor nervous. The fate of the night was being decided and there wasn’t much more Heechul could say in his defense.
“What if no one knew…what if everyone knew…what would it matter…” Eeteuk muttered aloud to himself.
Sharp ears picked up these whispers and Heechul smirked deeply. The leader could feel heated gaze upon him once more and it broke his thoughts to bits, eyes sliding up to lock with that smug smirk. “No Heechul,” was all the man could think to say but this defense was met with a deep chuckle. A victorious chuckle.
Sitting down slowly on the sofa the man‘s voice was soft but desperate, “Fuck Heechul…Seriously…?!” The leader while eternal had only so much patience and this infuriating, this beautiful boy before him had the talent of turning his mind upside down. Could they really do this? Was this what Eeteuk wanted? Soft hair, sweet smile, beautiful heart, raging temper and horrible fits included? Heechul rarely seemed aware of when he did this little magic trick, turning Jungsoo’s thoughts into madness, and because Heechul didn’t see it coming neither did Eeteuk and it would hit him fast and hard keeping him dizzy and reeling, thinking wildly. But what the leader had also begrudgingly noticed was after these hits more often than not whatever he was thinking was really most important all the worrying aside.
While most would’ve taken these words as a deterrent Heechul considered them an absolutely fabulous idea, “Yes. Fuck Heechul seriously. I think that’s the best thing you’ve had to say this entire night,” the princess declared with a much more delightful mood and air about him. The sadness of that night need be forgotten. With confident stride he moved from the past and into the future hoping it held what he thought it might for the two of them.
He should’ve known Heechul would say something like that but Eeteuk was still confused and struggling to come to terms with this new idea which had willingly jumped into his mind when he wasn’t looking, surpassing all his defenses. When the leader’s thoughts moved in fast jumbled ways it was harder for him to prevent accidentally encouraging Heechul with wording that was just vague enough for the actor to distort as he saw fit for his own purposes. Which was why such colorful language had left his friend’s lips leaving Eeteuk to pause briefly. He needed an escape from the whirlwind of his mind and focused on these words, however inappropriate they might be, as a way of grounding himself. It seemed as though someone was always telling the leader to calm down, to just let go, but letting go in this particular instance would still leave him holding on tightly… “Heechul…” the leader tried again, voice still tired if not more so in this moment where he no longer wanted to fight or argue. Eeteuk wanted…but what did he want?
As his name fell from Jungsoo’s lips once more Heechul could hear the man’s desperation. Face fell a bit and the princess calmed himself, with a scoot forward he curled against Eeteuk’s side and wrapped his bare arms about his friend’s waist with a soft shushing noise. Nuzzling the leader’s upper arm gently it was Heechul’s turn to sigh, “You know I love you, and you know I mean it when I say it. Everything you said…it pushed me away, I was scared and I felt alone but I…never lost hope…and just as I already knew no one compared to what I’d had with you, nothing was the same or made things better. When you’re with me you can let go, we can share so much with one another…we have, and I just don’t see why this is a bad idea. Even if it doesn’t work in the end I know you pushing me away hurts much more than if you’d just let yourself hold me as more than a band mate and friend, as more than a one time fuck. Even if things didn’t work out I’m more than that Jungsoo and you know it. I deserve a chance at making you happy.”
Jungsoo did know this and each word chipped away at already weakened defenses. He had hurt the boy and sent him into a completely different realm of pain through his refusal. Trying to hold onto the tatters of his argument, that he wasn’t enough and wasn’t right for Heechul, it seemed the princess didn’t care for any of the points he‘d tried to make. Heechul had learned through Eeteuk’s pushing him away that perhaps the elder wasn’t the best choice but the princess held firm to his desires in spite of the leader‘s imperfection. A frustrated sigh left the elder who could think to ask Heechul only one last question, “And how will you make me happy?”
The younger of the two boys knew quite well of Eeteuk’s penchant for asking questions that could rarely be answered easily if at all. Kissing the muscle beneath his lips, Heechul sighed softly against his leader’s upper arm, resting forehead against firm flesh, “By being me. If you want to know more than that…well you’ll just have to give me a chance at this.”
Slender fingers fiddled absently with the ribbon wound around his ‘present’s’ arms which had unraveled here and there to drip down onto Eeteuk’s pant-leg. His eyes stayed down cast on the stark red silk in his grasp as his fingers slowly ran up then down the piece they had at their disposal. Relationships were dangerous for someone who worked too hard. Heechul would whine and gripe at him about how often he worked, wouldn’t relent until the leader relaxed just a little bit and even then might demand still more of him. Eeteuk thought back to times when he’d passed out after his and Eunhyuk’s radio program before making it out the building, after concerts as well. The worried looks and some times tear filled eyes he would wake up to haunted his dreams, another mark of his failure. Red ribbon was so bright it seemed to hurt his eyes long since dry and searching for an answer in the bright color. Just like Heechul the color stood out, demanded attention, held a sultry subtle beauty and both passionate love and anger, joy and sadness, but was anything about Kim Heechul really subtle? Chuckling softly to himself, Jungsoo glanced up from the ribbon with calm eyes, quiet happy eyes, “Heechullie-ah, we should date.” If he had someone force him to sleep and eat he wouldn’t have to pass out thereby causing disappointment, and while he was worried he still would disappoint Heechul the leader reminded himself that the princess was very different from anyone he had ever met and like always could very easily prove him wrong even if the younger didn’t realize he had done so.
He could have cried, should have cried, but Kim Heechul did no such thing. Slowly a warm smile lit up his features and he nodded gently, “We should. We’re dating now,” the actor informed in a casual tone which left no room for argument.
Nodding smoothly in agreement, Jungsoo let his eyes take in his ‘present’ for the first time that night in a way Heechul had hoped to see from the start. Dark eyes roamed down, raking over the body beside him slowly, then back up to lock with Heechul’s hopeful and curious gaze. The leader’s hands followed the ribbon letting it guide long fingers and cold palms up warm thighs, “We should go back into the bedroom.”
Nodding quickly in agreement, Heechul grinned and climbed into Jungsoo’s lap so that he might be easier to carry, “We should.”
Eeteuk had expected the silent request of spoiling via a ride to his room and because the boy’s leg was indeed in a state of recovery he hauled up the man with a soft grunt which Heechul pointedly ignored choosing to nuzzle the smooth neck of his boyfriend instead. It was a short ride for Heechul and a long walk for the tired leader but knowing well what was to come his energy was slowly on the rise, among other things.
Laying back onto the soft sheets as he was placed there, Heechul had decided in that moment he always wanted to sleep in the bed beneath him. Perhaps moving back in with his boyfriend was necessary but that could wait so he just grinned instead and something about his grin told Eeteuk the boy was plotting.
Deciding not to worry with the grin for now as it might have been nothing, even though Eeteuk knew quite well that nothing ever meant nothing with Heechul, he instead let his hands roam up over the ribbon strewn body. Skin proved to be softer than the occasional flashes of fabric that passed beneath his finger tips and Eeteuk found the stress and ache ebbing away from him quickly.
A hot breath left Heechul, shaky as it made his chest shiver gently when it ghosted past smooth lips to caress Eeteuk’s own, the leader having drawn close to better hear the soft sweet sound of labored breathing. Trembling lips moved just so, forming words that floated into the heated air about the two lovers, “Would you like your birthday present now?”
Nodding yes with a fast absent jerk of his head, Eeteuk’s legs moved down to lace with Heechul’s pair bringing them closer together. He had what he wanted. It was his birthday. The angel turned devil was more than ready to celebrate. Smirking he leaned in to nip at his boyfriend’s neck then lick up from the abused flesh until tongue tip touched sharp jaw line. Eeteuk whispered into moist skin, “What will you be giving me?”
It was growing increasingly difficult for Heechul to go along with the new plan for a birthday present he’d thought of while in the living room. “A full night of sleep,” he informed with a loving smile, kissing his lover gently in hopes of carefully diffusing the electricity between them…until morning.
Heated body paused and Eeteuk slowly glanced up at Heechul, taking in the warm tone and sweet kiss. The tension lust had pumped into his body slowly flowed back out of him as his ridiculous laugh brightened his features and shook his shoulders, “You really do love me!” The radio host proclaimed, enjoying the sight of Heechul’s bright smile and reddening cheeks.
Chuckling at his leader’s ludicrous laugh, Heechul hugged onto the man tightly with a content sigh. Using his good leg to roll them onto their sides Heechul buried his face in Jungsoo’s neck and breathed in the sweet musky scent of the leader; Jungsoo’s own face took up residence half in his pillow half in the clean finally dry hair of his lover. As the minutes ticked by candle flames flickered out, drowning in pools of their own wax, until the room was pitch black. Silence and lingering scents floated through the air, a subtle smooth mix intruded upon by the sleep slowed breathing of two men at peace within their minds and hearts. If the morning brought rain, they would laugh and dance in the downpour together. Pain was in the past and no matter how uncertain their future seemed to be they now had each other and together could tackle any problem they faced. Nothing in life was easy but many difficult things were very beautiful. Kim Heechul and Park Jungsoo were two of these difficult things and when together they were extraordinarily beautiful indeed.