Mitha (freedomthisway) wrote in miracle______,

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[Series]A Story of Hurting and Healing, Chapter 14

Author : freedomthisway
Rating : Various, up to NC-17, still PG13 for now
Character/Pairing : Siwon, Hankyung, Kangin, Hyukjae, Heechul, other made up characters/SiHan, KangHyuk, very minor SiChul.
Word Count : 7691 words
Genre : AU and angst like whoa!
Warning: Underage, rape/non-con, younger!Hankyung, a lot of swearing.
Summary : When Hankyung was 7, his mother was remarried to Choi Min Woo, the head of the rich and famous Choi family. The marriage brings Hankyung to the position of Siwon's younger stepbrother.
Their closeness as child changed after they grew older and Siwon found out his feelings toward Hankyung. Not wanting to ruin the family, Siwon chose to keep his love for Hankyung inside and avoid him like crazy instead.
While Hankyung was struggling to bear his own misery, he too realized his feelings for Siwon, but didn't act on it because he assumed Siwon hated him.
After 3 years of escaping from the family, hearing Choi Min Woo's death, Hankyung decided to come back, only to face Siwon's hatred towards him.

All Hankyung wants is a happiness and love with Siwon by his side. Can he reach it eventually?

Author’s note:
I'm afraid someone's going to kill me if I don't update soon.

Very sorry for the long delay. This chapter is going to be damn long, so I hope you'll like it too.

Anyway, thank you for staying with me until now~! Love you all for the supports and the speculations~! xDD

Chapter 1 :: Chapter 2 :: Chapter 3 & 4 :: Chapter 5
Chapter 6 & 7 :: Chapter 8 :: Chapter 9 :: Chapter 10
Chapter 11 :: Chapter 12 :: Chapter 13

“Heechul-hyung asked me this afternoon if I wanted to work with him in his firm.” Hankyung says, trying to sound casual despite the nervousness he felt as he plays with the food on his plate. Hankyung is pretty sure Siwon won’t like the idea of him staying away from home, away from his grip and control, even if for only a few hours a day.

Siwon looks up from his plate and gives Hankyung a sharp glare. “Then tell him no. And don’t forget to say thank you. I don’t want people start to think that all Chois are ungrateful human beings now that you’re amongst us.” He says, sarcasm thick in his voice, before returning his attention back to his plate.

Hankyung swallows down the food in his mouth difficultly at hearing that. The familiar ache is back and he's lost his appetite again.

“I’m bored.” Hankyung grits his teeth and reaches for his glass of water with a slightly trembling hand. “I have nothing to do here except taking care of the garden until there’s not an inch of the ground left that I can plant something on and you won’t let me touch almost anything else in this house.”

Siwon huffs a small laugh. “That's funny.” He sneers. “I thought you were enjoying this whole Pauper-turns-into-Prince-Overnight game. I was wondering why you haven’t started to roam the town in one of our Ferraris and maxing out the credit card in every possible way yet.”

Hankyung doesn’t respond. It’s just another one of Siwon’s daily verbal attacks and despite the heat pooling in the corner of his eyes every time Siwon’s degrading words hit him, Hankyung kind of thinks that he’s almost used to it by now.

A few minutes pass in silence, but Hankyung isn’t ready yet to give up. Not yet. He really needs something new to expect everyday aside from Siwon and his fury. “I have a right to do what I want, Hyung. You can’t lock me inside this house for a whole 6 months.”

His words are influenced by hurt and they're not a wise thing to say in this situation, but Hankyung just couldn’t help it.

The minute Siwon’s glare is back on him with full force, Hankyung regrets saying that.

“You’re right. Who am I to do that? Besides, haven’t you always done what you want? You left us as you pleased anyway.” With a horrifying calmness, Siwon pushes away his half-finished plate and wipes his mouth before his eyes, as dark as the night sky, are back on Hankyung. “I can’t force you to reject Heechul’s offer, but then again, I also have every right to stop Heechul’s contract as Choi’s family lawyer and strip him from his current associate position in the Choi Law Firm if he insists on hiring you. And I can assure you, that won’t be good for him. Most of his clients are coming from my line of friends anyway.”

Hankyung gapes. No way will Siwon do that. “You wouldn’t.” He whispers without even realizing it. “He’s your best friend, Hyung.”

Siwon lifts one of his eyebrows, throwing a challenge to Hankyung. “Just like you said, everyone can do what they want as long as they have the right to do it and doesn’t matter if it means hurting someone in the process.” Siwon shrugs. “I’m just living by your examples.”

Hankyung says nothing more for the rest of the dinner; just sits there with his shoulders hunched in yet another defeat.


Siwon sighs as he leans on his seat in his study that night. The memory of Hankyung’s pale face right after he gave him the ultimatum is still fresh in his mind.

It’s an empty threat, of course. Heechul is still his best friend until now and he was just bluffing to shut Hankyung up.

But now that he thinks about it, he won’t be surprised to find himself firing Heechul if Hankyung still accepts Heechul’s offer to work under him.

Hankyung has been here for almost two weeks and Siwon could see how close Heechul and Hankyung had become. Hell, Siwon could always hear the sounds of their laughing coming from garden from his open window. And later, Siwon would see Hankyung’s face lit up again with smiles at dinner time.

It irks the hell out of him. Thus he ends up saying worse and worse things to Hankyung just to see the smiles gone from the younger man’s beautiful face by the time he leaves the dinner table.

Siwon keeps telling himself that he does it because it’s right there on his invincible scheme of revenge. That he wants Hankyung to suffer and all that stuff.

But deep down he knows that the reason that fueled his ridiculously cruel ultimatum was nothing more than his repressed jealousy, realizing he’s not the man who can make Hankyung laugh or smile like that. He can’t do what Heechul does because every time Hankyung’s near him the pain of his past comes back and it overpowers his love for Hankyung so deeply that he is left tired and helpless to fight against it.

And to tell the truth, it fucks him up inside and he wonders if it’s possible for him to go crazy one day because of this.


Siwon leaves home to go to work early in the morning and Hankyung, for once after many days, has breakfast alone. Hankyung can’t help but feel relieved.

Heechul stops by again right before lunch time, and Hankyung tells him that listen, Heechul-hyung, I’m sorry but no, I don’t think I can accept your kind offer to work in your firm. But really, thank you so much.

Hankyung even manages to maintain half a smile on his lips as he says those words exactly like how Siwon told him to. Siwon-hyung would be proud, Hankyung thinks bitterly.

Heechul doesn’t like it, apparently. Not one bit, judging from his deep frown and darkened eyes.

“It’s Siwonnie, isn’t it?” Heechul hisses. “That stubborn bastard. Let’s see what he says when I come to his office later to kick his ass.”

Heechul looks like he really means it, and Hankyung panics. He knows how close Siwon is with Heechul and after everything Siwon has accused him of; Hankyung doesn’t want being the one who messes up their friendship to be added to the list so he tries to calm the man. “Hyung, look. It’s not because of Siwon-hyung. I just need more time to adjust to live in this house. After all, I’ll be here for a very long time, won’t I?” Hankyung hoped Heechul would find his smile reassuring. “Besides, now that I’ve looked around more, there are tons of things I can still do in the house.”

Heechul looks at him with narrowed eyes, obviously not buying anything Hankyung said. The older man folds his arms over his chest and gives Hankyung a speculative stare. “Yeah? What things?”

Hankyung’s brain works fast. “My mother’s stuff!” He finally says, almost shouting from nervousness. “Yeah, it’s… Siwon-hyung told me that my mom’s stuff is still lying around up in the attic. Our father kept them there –lots of stuff-- and I figure it’ll take weeks to clean and organize them a bit. And maybe keep some of it for myself, you know, as memories.” Hankyung gives Heechul a half grin, feeling somewhat bad for lying to him.

But it’s for the greater good. Or so some people said because the fact remained that Hankyung still feels his stomach clench at the thought that he lied to someone. Someone nice.

“Siwon told you about where they were kept?” Heechul asks, unbelieving that Siwon was that cooperative towards Hankyung.

“Sure!” Hankyung exclaims. “Siwon-hyung isn’t that bad, you know. I find him… nice some times.” Hankyung cringes a little because after spending years trying to be as honest as he could be, these lies really take the cake.

The truth is, Hankyung had to spend three days arguing with Siwon until finally he succeeded in making Siwon tell him, grudgingly, where his mom’s stuff was kept. And even after he found them, it only took a half day to clean and organize them because there weren’t much left. Most of them were old clothes, and all Hankyung was able to dig out to keep for himself were two of his mom’s photos, a music box his mom used to play for him before putting him to bed, and his mom’s favorite romance book.

Heechul looks at him for a long time and Hankyung gives him a wider smile, hoping it’ll finally convince him.

“Well…” Heechul drawls. “Yeah, okay. If that’s what you want then I guess there’s nothing else I can do. I can imagine how valuable that stuff must be to you.”

Hankyung takes a deep breath when finally Heechul is all smiles again.

“But, Hankyung, maybe you can think about it once again after you’re done with your mom’s stuff? You will need some quality time for yourself once in a while, away from Siwon, to keep you sane.” Heechul adds seriously.

And Hankyung can only nod, muttering Sure, I will.

If only Heechul knew how much Hankyung wished he could do that, knowing how true Heechul’s words are.


Heechul stays longer for lunch on Hankyung's insistence.

And as he’s sitting there in the dining room with Hankyung across from him, there have been hundreds of moments when Heechul honestly thinks he should have just opened his mouth and told Hankyung that he knows.

But this thing, this dark secret finally revealed to him, is just too fucked up and too damned epic to be kept hidden. And Heechul believes he needs to tread carefully if he wants to set things right between Siwon and Hankyung.

Heechul swears that fate must have been messing with him because right in this very tense time, a client who lived halfway across the country died last night, and Heechul has to leave tonight by plane to take care of his will. And considering how tricky the old man made the details of his inheritance, Heechul will have to stay there for at least five days.

That's just fucking peachy.

Heechul can’t just drop the bomb on Hankyung or Siwon all of a sudden and then disappear for days.

Knowing Hankyung, he’ll feel deeply ashamed because Heechul found out about his dark past with Min Woo. And there’s also a high possibility that he’ll just bail again, no matter how much Heechul tells him that It’s okay and I understand and It’s not your fault, Hankyung, so let me help you figure this out.

Hankyung probably will leave this house once again to go God knows where and Heechul won’t be there to stop him.

As in Siwon’s case, Heechul knows how much Siwon loves his father. For Siwon, Min Woo is his hero. And suddenly having that image of his father crushed won’t be easy for Siwon to handle.

Heechul can predict the series of denials coming from his stubborn best friend upon finding out that his beloved father was nothing more than a perverted-evil-pedophile-manipulative-bastard. And then there’ll be rows of empty liquor bottles because it’s just what Siwon did.

Not to mention the possibility of fits of rage Siwon will throw at himself, at Heechul, at the world in general, or worse: at Hankyung in particular.

Heechul fears for the last the most and if he left Seoul after telling everything to Siwon, Hankyung won’t have anybody to stand up for him and to protect him from Siwon’s fury.

Revealing the secret to both of them at once is also a bad, BAD idea. Heechul just has to combine Hankyung’s and Siwon’s reaction above in one frame, then pack his bag to leave them for a couple of days, and voila, there’ll be hell.

The point is, Heechul has decided to help both of them straighten things out and he intends to commit to it fully by being their mediator and, if necessary, knocking some senses into their head in the process. That’s why Heechul knows he will have to wait until he gets back to open the Pandora's Box.

Heechul smiles at a joke Hankyung tells and seeing Hankyung laugh, Heechul finally decides on that course of action.

“Hey, Hannie.”

Hankyung looks up from his plate, still smiling. “Yeah?”

“Look, I think I won’t be able to visit you until next week. I have a job out of town and I’ve booked a plane ticket for tonight.” Heechul says, apologizing with his smile.

Hankyung’s smile disappears and he looks so much like a lost kid that Heechul has to grit his teeth to stop himself from standing up and giving Hankyung a big hug.

“Is that so?” Hankyung says, forcing a laugh, before scratching his head. “Well, it can’t be helped then, I guess. I’ll try to stay alive and busy until you come back, Hyung.” Hankyung grins with a cringe in his eyes and Heechul feels a pang of sadness, knowing that his daily visits might be Hankyung’s only consolation after dealing with Siwon.

“You know my cell number. If anything happens, just call me anytime.”

Hankyung stares at him long before smiling, a full smile now. “Yeah, I know.”

After lunch, in near the front door, Heechul gives Hankyung a hug. “I’ll check on you everyday so make sure you’re home at night, okay? Take care.” He mutters after letting go and Hankyung just laughs at his display of overprotective tendencies, but still Heechul can’t shake a bad feeling in his chest as he sees Hankyung’s waving figure get smaller and smaller in his rearview mirror.


Hankyung is bored and agitated as hell. It’s been two days since Heechul’s last visit and his mood has hit a new low.

Siwon, thank God, has left for work again today after spending the whole day yesterday making Hankyung miserable.

Hankyung wonders that if things will be like this everyday, how the hell he is going to start his plan to win Siwon’s heart. It’s just beyond his imagination and Hankyung can’t help but begins to feel restless because nothing goes the way he wants it ever since he decided to stay. Even a simple ‘Good morning’ to Siwon coming from his mouth can turn into a painful conversation for his side.

Problems with Siwon puts aside, the flowers in the garden are fully bloomed already and everything Hankyung can think of doing in this big house has already done by him and now he’s itching to do something, anything.

Hankyung’s last call to Kangin was yesterday, and Kangin told him that Hyukjae’s condition was still stable. Hyukjae had some palpitations two days ago, but the doctor had managed to take care of it and Kangin said that there was nothing Hankyung needed to worry about. Hankyung really wants to come and visit Hyukjae once again, but traveling fare from Seoul to the town where Hyukjae is hospitalized is not cheap. Hankyung still has some money left from what he had brought with him to this house, but Hankyung wants to save it in case something urgent happened. The thought of taking even one won more from Min Woo’s inheritance doesn’t appeal Hankyung in any way.

But now he really needs something that can cheer him up. That’s why he figures today he can go to one of Choi’s company building. Just looking around, checking things out, diverting his mind from the messed up situation waiting for him after Siwon comes back from the office.

He’ll appear anonymously, of course. He doesn’t want to attract any unwanted attention and ended up making more fights with Siwon. Perhaps he can decoy the building’s guards and go up to the top of the building and just sits there, watching Seoul’s view in all its glory, until it’s time to go home.

Suddenly finds a bit spirit, Hankyung changes his clothes with something semi-formal: a blue long sleeved shirt and a black formal pants Hyukjae gave him a year ago as birthday present. At least this clothes won’t make him seems out of place there.

Hankyung overheard Siwon talking in his cell this morning that he’ll be in the main office of Choi Estate the whole day today, so Hankyung decides to visit one of the other Choi companies. His choice falls to Choi Advertising.

It’s risky, he’s aware of it.

Choi Advertising is now legally owned by Hankyung’s step aunt, Hye Ri. And after what happened in the day the will was read, Hankyung is more than realizing that his step aunt’s family keeps a lot of hatred for him. It won’t be odd if he crosses path with one of them in his visit to the company, and if it does happen, Hankyung has no clue what he’ll do or say.

But among his not so much interests, Hankyung has been attracted to the world of advertising, graphics, and that kind of stuff for so long and he used to visit the company when he was teenager, just to walk along the exhibition hall and admire frame after frame of already published and successful advertisement hung all over the wall.

He also remembered that he was always very eager every time Siwon asked him to come along together when Min Woo had schedule of ads-presentation in the office. Hankyung will sit quietly on his seat next to Siwon and Min Woo, silently observing and making mental notes using his own childish judgment towards the quality of the ads being presented by the creative staffs.

And now that he thinks about it, he remembers that Choi Advertising building has magnificent view from its top.

Risks put aside, his plan is just perfect.


The building complex of Choi Advertising is still the same as in Hankyung’s memory. The only differences are that Hankyung can see the security tools installed in the building is getting more hi-tech and some of the office’s furniture has been changed into minimalist-modern style.

Hankyung walks straight into the elevator, passing two guards while trying to look like he’s actually having some businesses here other than sightseeing. Hankyung pushes the 2nd floor elevator button where he hopes the exhibition hall is still located.

Apparently, it still is. And for the next one hour, Hankyung is a teenager once again, exploring frame after frame --lots of them are new ones-- and he’s drowning in his own world as he’s admiring and analyzing each advertisement with now a more mature view. People passing by are ignoring him, perhaps assuming that he’s one of the company’s future clients.

By the time he reaches the end of the hall and finishes gaping on the last display of advertisement for a brand of coke, Hankyung feels better already. But now he really wants to pee. He forgets how cold the air conditioner is in the office.

There’s a men’s room down the hall, he knows. But its strategic location makes it a quite popular men’s room. Most of company employees use that place, and Hankyung doesn’t want to risk coming across with somebody he knows.

So Hankyung walks further, nearing the door connecting to emergency exit. If his memory serves him right, there’s a quite secluded toilet. People rarely use it because as far as Hankyung can remember, often there was a problem with the plumbing system.

And he’s right. The toilet is still there. And it looks quite deserted. The buzzing and bustling sound of the company’s activities apparently doesn’t reach this place and it’s very quiet.

Hankyung enters the door with ‘Men’ written on it and finishes what he’s coming for in one of the stalls. After washing his hands, Hankyung walks towards the door, opens the men’s room door and exits with only a little sound, intending to start finding a way to go to the top of building without attracting too much attention.

That’s when he hears some noises coming from inside of the women’s room.

There’s a woman talking, and a man too from what it sounds. But what bothers him is the woman’s voice sounds full of fear.

With heart beating fast, Hankyung carefully sticks one of his ears on the next room’s wooden door, trying to overhear some more before doing something radical like kicking the door down.

It’s okay, Hankyung can hear the man speaks in a low and persuading tone. Don’t you want that creative director position?

The woman mumbles something too low for Hankyung to catch up. But her tone still alerts Hankyung.

Look, all you have to do is let me have you once, or maybe twice if you are good, the man is speaking again and he sounds less impatient now.

Hearing that, Hankyung is now getting clearer assumption on what kind of situation is inside of the room. Hankyung is about to knock, asking the woman if there’s something wrong so the man inside will know that there’s someone out here, but then what Hankyung hears next coming from the man’s mouth surprises him.

You know my mom owns this company, don’t you? I can easily ask her to promote you. But if you won’t do as I say, who knows how much longer you can stay in your recent job here, the man –to Hankyung’s disgust-- says it sleazily with obvious threat in his voice.

And that’s when Hankyung gets it.

No wonder the man’s voice sounds a little familiar in Hankyung’s ear. It’s almost positive now to Hankyung that the man’s voice owner is his cousin, Park Ji Sang. And he’s in the middle of harassing a female employee sexually!

No, don’t, please, Hankyung can hear the woman sobs. Gritting his teeth, Hankyung throws his previous idea of knocking-first-ask-questions-later out of the window and just turns the door knob --which apparently isn’t even locked-- hard.

What a clumsy asshole, Hankyung thinks angrily as the door opens with a bang sound and reveals Ji Sang standing close to a beautiful woman; his hand is around her waist, while her face is full of tears.

“What the…?!” Ji Sang squeals in surprise and quickly lets his hold on the woman go. His eyes turn wider as he recognizes Hankyung. “You! What the fuck are you doing here?”

Hankyung gives the frightened woman a little calming smile before glaring at Ji Sang. “I should’ve been the one asking you that. It’s a women’s toilet, yet here you are manipulating a lady to fulfill your perverted wish.”

The woman looks at Hankyung, and then back to Ji Sang, now in confusion though there’s relief expressed on her face. But she doesn’t waste this perfect chance to escape.

“Excuse me.” She says and fleeing passes Hankyung towards the exit and disappears. The sound of her heels on the floor echoes until it’s no longer heard.

It’s just Hankyung and Ji Sang left.

“I heard everything, Ji Sang-hyung.” Hankyung says in a calmer tone, but still glaring. “Don’t you feel ashamed using aunt’s name to do something this filthy?”

Ji Sang’s face is red, angry and embarrassed to be caught by Hankyung of all people. He walks approaching Hankyung who doesn’t budge from where he’s standing.

“It’s none of your business, Sung Hankyung. So shut it.” Ji Sang tells Hankyung and pokes him once with his finger. “Even since you were a little brat, you’re always an annoying busy body. I wonder what my mom will say if she knows you’re here roaming her company. For a traitor like you, you must be up to no good.” He sneers and then leaves Hankyung with hasty steps.

A few seconds pass before Hankyung leans his back on the nearest wall and takes a deep breath. His heart is still thumping madly due to the adrenaline.

Ji Sang’s last words make him cringe. Thanks to this fucked up coincidence, there’s no doubt he’ll get into another trouble with Chois after this. Although Hankyung doesn’t regret what he was just done.

I guess trying to see beautiful city view from the top is no longer an option, Hankyung mourns.

It’s time for him to go home.


By the time the taxi he rides on reaches the driveway in front of Choi’s residence’s front door, it’s almost dusk. While waiting for Ji Sook to open the door, Hankyung can tell from the black Bentley parked in the garage that Siwon is home already.

Ji Sook greets him as he enters the house and Hankyung smiles weakly, walking tiredly to his room. What happens today has drained out his energy, and he’ll need a long soak in the bath to restore it if he wants to face Siwon properly at dinner later.

When he’s in the bathroom, Hankyung can hear phones ringing all around the house, including the one in his room. But it stops a few seconds later, perhaps Ji Sook or Siwon has picked it up. Hankyung waits up motionless for a few second, trying to listen the sound of the intercom back in his room, because maybe it’s from Kangin.

But nobody’s calling him over the intercom, so Hankyung resumes his bath.

Soaked under the warm water, Hankyung’s mind is wandering.

He really wants to forget about what happened today. Seeing the hostility shown by the rest of Choi family members at the will reading, or like what he had been through this afternoon with Ji Sang, Hankyung can’t help but feel disheartened once again. He wonders if the image the other Chois have about him is really that bad.

Even if he succeeds in winning Siwon’s heart, will the rest of the family be willing to accept him as a part of Choi once again?

What if they won’t?

Once again Hankyung questions his decision to stay. Could it be that everything he’s fighting for right now will, after all, be proven worthless? Will it be better if he just leaves this house and Siwon, bearing all the loneliness and trying in vain to forget about his love?

Suddenly those thoughts making him feel trapped between his unforgettable and painful past and his future that that without doubt will always be haunted by the shadow of his past. It makes him feel restless and he decides to shorten his bath time.

After, Hankyung puts on a black t-shirt and pair of grey pants, and getting ready to come down. But then the intercom on the wall next to the door beeps once.

“Hankyung?” Siwon’s voice is heard.

Hankyung’s heart thumped at the grim sound of Siwon’s calling his name. He approaches the intercom and pushes the button. “Yes, Hyung?”

“I want to talk to you in my study, now.” Siwon’s tone is cold and harsh and there’s a hint of anger in his words.

“Alright.” Hankyung says with a frown. “I’ll be down in a minute.”

He can feel his restlessness doubled as he exits his room and hurriedly walks down the stair towards Siwon’s study.

Something’s not right and Hankyung can pretty much guess what makes Siwon suddenly want to have a private conversation with him.

Hankyung’s earlier self-question about how bad his image in the eyes of other Chois is answered by the time he enters Siwon’s study.

“I’ve heard that you went to Choi Advertising today?” Siwon asks from behind his desk, frowning at Hankyung.

Hankyung feels a little scared at Siwon’s harsh tone, but to tell the truth, he didn’t do something wrong, right? There’s nothing he should have worried about, so he tries to be calm as he answers Siwon’s question. “Yes, I did. Something’s wrong?”

Siwon’s eyes darkened at his answer. “Aunt Hye Ri called just now. She said she doesn’t want to see you around her company ever again. And she complained to me about your awful treatment towards Ji Sang. She specifically told me that she won’t tolerate if you offend Ji Sang or any of her family once more.” Siwon’s expression shows his disapproval.

Hankyung gapes at that totally-off-the-reality-statement. “I think Aunt Hye Ri misses the bigger picture here, Siwon-hyung. I caught Ji Sang-hyung red-handedly when he was trying to manipulate a poor woman employee and he was obviously sexually harassing her. Do you honestly think I should have just stood there and watched the woman gets violated?”

“Aunt Hye Ri doesn’t want you to be near her family or her company ever again.” Siwon repeats with punctuation in his every word, clearly ignoring Hankyung’s explanation.

Siwon’s reaction makes Hankyung suddenly feel depressed and helpless. Trying to hold back tears, he says, “If that woman decides to sue Ji Sang-hyung for sexual harassment charges, Aunt Hye Ri might have to worry about something’s worse than me.”

But Siwon still glares at him. “Right now, Ji Sang is also working as Marketing Manager in Choi Estate and he’s one of the best employees. He has great talent in marketing and he’s worth a thousand times more than you are. So don’t you dare causing him any more trouble.”

Hankyung can feel the stabbing ache in his heart at hearing Siwon’s words. “It seems for you everything is worth more than I am.” Hankyung says hoarsely, defiance clear in his voice as he can no longer control his anger due to the pain he feels. “When these 6 months over, Ji Sang-hyung’s position in Choi Estate might have to be replaced.”

“Ji Sang needs the job.” Siwon says grimly.

Hankyung nods in approval, tears glistening in his eyes. “Then he might have to remember that.”

Hankyung’s hidden threat makes Siwon’s jaw tightened, and he looks even angrier than before. “If you fire each and every Choi’s employee who won’t lick your ass, we will never have enough workers.”

“They don’t need to lick my ass.” Hankyung says with gritted teeth. “All they need to do is just accepting me and showing a proper respect.”

“They’ll respect you if you deserve it.” Siwon responds, his words inclining that there isn’t even a single Choi family that respects Hankyung in reality.

Hankyung lifts his chin up, trying to appear uninfluenced by Siwon’s horrible comment. “They’ll follow an example from you.”

Silence follows Hankyung’s statement for a long time, but Siwon’s hardened expression isn’t changed.

“Then just give up.” Siwon says finally.

Little victory Hankyung feels earlier disappears at that. He swallows emotion so thick he believes he’ll choke on it.

“Why do you keep so much hatred for me, Hyung?” Hankyung says, sad and desperate.

Siwon’s burning gaze at him dims a little. “You damn well know why.”

“Then what if… “ Hankyung's voice is trembling. “What if one day you find out that I deserve none of these?”

Hankyung doesn’t know what makes him say that. It’s just too fucking close to ruin every effort he has made on keeping the secret safe from Siwon. But Hankyung is so tired, and he just doesn’t understand how else he should stop all of these pain and sadness filling his heart.

Fury in Siwon’s eyes is clear for Hankyung to see a moment before he turns his gaze away from him. With a rough movement, Siwon collects his paperwork scattered on his desk and arranges it in a messed up order.

“Get out.” Siwon growls, eyes still refuse to look at Hankyung.

Hankyung really wants to cry now, because he can see that the wall of hatred between them is only getting higher than before. He helplessly realizes that perhaps even if he tells Siwon the truth --about everything-- it will only be potential to make Siwon hates him even more.

Turning around, Hankyung walks out the room slowly.


Hankyung doesn’t come down for dinner. He has no strength left to do so. He even ignores Ji Sook’s knocking his room’s door and his announcing that dinner’s ready and that Siwon is waiting for him in the dining room.

The tensions for these last 24 hours have sucked his energy dry. And at this kind of moment, Hankyung really wishes he was someone else who has another person he can lean to and love, and be loved back in return.

Hankyung has always desired a feeling of comfort, wrapped in a sense of security. But his need to get close to someone in a romantic relationship has always collided with his eternal one sided-love for Siwon. And that paradox has been making his life miserable.

He had surrendered to his desire a few times and went for a date with some men he met and knew along those times after he escaped home, hoping to find someone who could replace Siwon’s position in his heart. But when a kiss or hug held other meanings than friendly touch, he always resisted and backed away.

His experience with Min Woo --no matter how many times the man had made him come-- Hankyung was never able to enjoy them. There were just too many fears and disgusts and tears for him to actually get into it. While with other men, Hankyung had never been touched by the true lust. And he knows exactly why a lustful kiss and wild embrace from those men can’t turn him on.

It’s simply because they’re not Siwon.

That thought depresses Hankyung even more and he moves to change his clothes with a black undershirt and a short. He then walks over to his bed, flipping his bed cover and getting ready to sleep.

But then a knock is heard once again on his door, and Hankyung knows at once that this time it must be Siwon standing in front of his door. Only his knock can be heard so demanding.

Sighing, he walks towards the closed door and asks Siwon from behind it. “What do you want?”

“Jung Eum has warmed your dinner.”

It surprises Hankyung. Siwon’s low tone sounds harsh, but there’s a hint of softness in it. Suddenly pissed off at himself for imagining things that’s definitely not there, Hankyung squeezes his eyes shut and lifts his slightly trembling hand, putting his palm on the wall beside the wooden door and then resting his forehead on it, trying not to be influenced by Siwon’s subtly kind words.

“I’m going to bed already, Hyung. I’ll thank her in the morning.”

There is a silence for a moment before Siwon’s voice is heard again. “Open the door.”

That order said in low tone makes Hankyung’s emotion rises up again. The hurt is still there and it makes Hankyung suddenly swing the door open. “What is it? Haven’t you satisfied in showing your hatred to me today?” Hankyung hisses, but then he sees the food tray Siwon’s holding on one of his hands.

Hankyung’s eyes widen at that because the food on the tray is supposed to be his dinner and he shifts his gaze to stare questioningly at Siwon’s serious expression.

Siwon curses the guilty feeling inside him that makes him bring Hankyung’s dinner to his room. If he knew before hand that he’ll see Hankyung in his thin t-shirt and short, showing too much smooth skin for Siwon’s comfort, Siwon would have chosen to bear his guilt or just bother Jung Eum to bring the tray instead.

And if he knew that he’ll see surprised stare and a sparkle of hope in Hankyung’s green eyes, he would have definitely ignored the fucking guilt.

Doesn’t want to stay too long upon this tempting view in front of him, Siwon enters the room in strides. Putting the food tray on a small corner table in Hankyung’s room, Siwon turns around. “Jung Eum’s feeling could get hurt.” He says, hoping it’ll suffice to kill the earlier impression Hankyung might have on his act that seems to bring up his hope.

Hankyung turns his gaze to the tray at that and Siwon can feel that Hankyung’s expectation is gone. Nevertheless, as Hankyung’s attention focused on the tray, Siwon can’t help but gazing at him.

When his eyes catch the view of Hankyung’s muscled thighs and upwards, Siwon can feel his body reacts by itself and suddenly there’s so much heat pooling down in his stomach. It makes Siwon feels so angry to himself. It seems that his hatred towards Hankyung still can not restrain his desire for the man. In fact, the lust he feels is weakening his resolution and Siwon is suddenly filled with immense self-disgust.

Hankyung averts his gaze from the food tray to Siwon’s hardened face. Hankyung figures from Siwon’s look that Siwon must have regretted his kindness in this small matter and his own body becomes tense, unconsciously feels the need for self-defense. But still he thanks Siwon with a soft voice.

It’s as if time stops as their eyes met. None of them moves and Hankyung can feel strange sensation roaming his whole body as he watches Siwon’s gazing at him from head to toe. It’s hard for Hankyung to breathe and his heart’s thumping wildly, because if he doesn’t know better, he swears he can see so much lust and emotions swirling in Siwon’s eyes.

But it can’t possibly be and Hankyung keeps chanting those words inside his head and his eyes widen as Siwon finally takes a few steps towards his direction.

Siwon is almost only an inch away from him when suddenly Hankyung feels panicky at this unknown-nameless-unimaginable atmosphere created between them, and half unconsciously Hankyung moves away from the door quickly, away from Siwon.

Siwon looks like he just got punched on the face at seeing Hankyung’s reaction. Hankyung watches him stop and blinking his eyes with tensed jaw, before turning his gaze away from Hankyung and resuming his steps out of the door.

As soon as Siwon leaves, Hankyung shuts the door closed. Desire still has its full power over him and it’s making him trembled in the silence of the room as he listens to Siwon’s footsteps in the distance.


Heechul calls early in the morning the next day when Hankyung is still on his bed, blinking at the strays of sunlight coming from the windows.

And after talking, within five seconds Heechul can tell that something’s wrong.

“What did Siwon do this time?”

Hankyung takes a deep breath. He doesn’t like talking about this kind of thing with Heechul, because Heechul will only see from one point of view: Hankyung’s. And he’ll blame or get mad at Siwon, without knowing that actually Siwon is also a victim in this case.

But he really needs someone to talk to right now, and Heechul is the only one around.

“I know that Ji Sang is a fucking bad news since the first time Siwon introduced him to me. With his empty brain, he’s just too full of shit.” Heechul says in annoyed tone after Hankyung finished telling him almost everything happened related to his incident with Ji Sang yesterday. What happened last night in his room with Siwon, Hankyung decides to keep it to himself because even now he still can’t figure out what exactly was going on between him and Siwon that time.

“Yeah, well. He has been a bit of a dick since he’s a little, but I never knew he’ll come to hate me so much.” Hankyung says in tired voice.

Both of them say nothing for a long time, until Heechul’s words break the silence. “Hankyung, do you love Siwon?”

Hankyung’s eyes widen at that. Carefully keeping his voice calm, he laughs a bit. “What are you talking about, Hyung? Of course I do. He’s my brother.”

“No, I don’t mean loving him as a brother, but as a man.” Heechul sounds a bit impatient. “Do you?”

Hankyung is too shocked to say anything.

“Look,” Heechul sighs at Hankyung’s speechlessness. “I know you do, Hannie. And don’t ask me how, I just know.”

Still Hankyung says nothing. He doesn’t trust his voice if he opens his mouth now.

Heechul’s voice turns soft, persuading. “Come on, just come clean with me. Let it out, and maybe you’ll feel better.”

And Hankyung doesn’t know why, but hearing Heechul’s words tears he has been holding suddenly spill out uncontrollably. His body shakes and it’s torn between fear and relief of knowing that finally, finally, another person understands him, understands how hard it is to face the hatred from someone you love so much.

And it’s not just any other person. It’s Heechul, Siwon’s best friend.

“Yes, I do.” Hankyung’s confession comes out in a whisper.

Heechul keeps silent, allowing Hankyung all the time he needs to cry until he’s satisfied and all that’s left are just sobs.

“What should I do, Hyung? It hurts so much.” Hankyung sounds so lost that Heechul can feel his heart constricted.

“You know,” Heechul says softly. “I think Siwon loves you too in the same way.”

“What? What do you mean?” Surprise and curiosity are evident in Hankyung’s hoarse voice.

So then Heechul tells Hankyung about his theory. Facts in Siwon’s life that make Heechul believe Siwon’s feeling for Hankyung is deeper than how it seems in the surface. How Heechul sometimes caught Siwon staring at Hankyung with wanting eyes when he thought nobody’s looking, and how his impenetrable anger at the moment is probably because it also hurts him a lot to think that Hankyung, the person he loves, had left him with too many grief to bear and too few words.

“I won’t ask you again why you left him in the first place. I know you won’t tell me that.” Heechul says in the end. “But, Hannie, won’t you please just try to bear with all of this a little while longer? The anger blinding Siwon’s objective perceptions will be gone and Siwon’s scar will heal one day. And no matter how much it hurts now, you know you want to be by his side when that happens, don’t you?”

Hankyung doesn’t answer and Heechul knows Hankyung will need some time alone to think about what he just said.

“Hankyung, I think I’ll hang up and let you think about it, okay? I’ll call you again the tomorrow night since I’ll be very busy from today onwards and I might not be able to call you like usual. I think I’ll make my next calls on my plane home.” Heechul says, and grins when he only hears Hankyung mumbles something as the response, apparently still drifted too deep into his own thoughts by Heechul’s earlier explanation.

Hanging up the phone, Heechul sighs. He really wishes nothing worse will be happened before his returning to Seoul to help both his best friends settle this problem between them once and for all.


Heechul’s words totally throw Hankyung in a loop.

He finds it so hard to believe that Siwon is also actually in love with him just as much. And not to mention Heechul’s said proves can’t be categorized as hard evidence.

But it’s Heechul, who has been standing besides Siwon for years, even when Hankyung wasn’t around. It should be enough time for someone to understand Siwon thoroughly.

And there’s also the look Siwon had on his face that night when he brings Hankyung’s dinner to his room. No matter how much Hankyung refuses to think about it for he doesn’t want to encourage false hope that might hurt him further, still Hankyung knows that there was something more than lust in Siwon’s eyes when his gaze met Hankyung’s that night.

And now Hankyung can’t help but feels that a bud of hope has grown inside his heart.

Could it be true that Siwon holds the same desire as Hankyung does deep within his heart? Does he dare to believe that?

Apparently, he has to.

Because now that there might be a chance that his love for Siwon isn’t one sided, somehow Hankyung believes that there is no more perfect timing other than this moment to tell Siwon about everything,

Hankyung seriously thinks that he can not bear Siwon’s hatred even for a little bit longer. His poor heart seems like it has reached its limit.

If Hankyung doesn’t do something about it, he fears that the pressure of this situation will do something bad to him in the end.

Sure it won’t force him into a decision to leave this house because there’s no way he’ll abandon Kangin and Hyukjae now when they needed him the most.

But if he lets things just go like the way it is now, what Hankyung fears the most is that even before the 6th month is over, he’ll be too broken to be fixed.

Hankyung realizes that if he wants to stop the flow of Siwon’s wrath on him, he’ll have to tell the truth, about his feelings and about Min Woo. Hankyung knows now that what Min Woo had done to him in the past will always haunt his relationship with Siwon if he insists to keep silent about it.

It won’t be easy for both of them, especially for Siwon. And it pains Hankyung to think how Siwon will suffer after he learns about that dark secret. But Hankyung will be there for him.

And if Siwon’s heart is really for Hankyung like what Heechul had said, someday they should be able to overcome the past and all the heartaches that follow it. And then, maybe one day, Hankyung will wake up in the morning to Siwon’s sleeping face and he’ll smile because at last his happiness is lying there beside him.

Finally reaching his decision, Hankyung stares outside the window and he can see that this morning’s weather is amazing with the bright sun shining and blue clouds hovering over the earth in the sky.

It’s a perfect day for revelation.

He’ll come clean to Siwon about everything. That being said, Hankyung realizes that today could really be the day that marks the beginning of a new chapter in his and Siwon’s life.

Hankyung hopes, for once there won’t be any darkness marring this chapter.


PS: As usual, comments and speculations keep my muse happy~! ^^

You can also find my other Super Junior fanfictions here in archive post in my writing journal.
Tags: pairing: hangeng/siwon

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