Title: A Fairly Grim Fairy Tale
Length: 3886 words
Warning: There is a pretty unnecessary bit involving pig slaughtering in here, if you're a vegetarian or uncomfortable, I suggest you scroll past. I do not condone inhumane slaughtering of animals
Summary/Author's Note: CRACK. FIC. Super Junior as fairy tale characters, and it pretty much became a challenge for me to see how many fairy tale plots I could blend together. There is also gender-switching so some of the members can match their characters better.
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a beautiful princess named Kibum, of the royal Kim family. Her story begins in the winter before she was born, when her mother the queen sewed by a window and wished for a child of her own. All her sisters-in-law had given birth to healthy baby girls, and she was the only one still barren.
"I want her to have hair as black as ebony, and skin as fair as snow," the queen mused, admiring the contrast between the pale snow and the wood of her window sill.
"Be careful darling, you'll prick yourself," the king said, placing a hand on her shoulder.
"What? Ow!" the queen pouted. "Aw, I made a boo boo."
"Here, let me kiss it better."
"That's not where I pricked myself."
"What? Didn't you want to make a baby?"
So that is the story of how Kibum was conceived, and how her father came to call her Snow White, in memory of her mother, who sadly passed shortly after her birth.
"Oh my god I can't believe your father told you that story," Heechul said, dropping her shoe.
"That must be so hideously traumatising," Ryeowook agreed, nodding furiously. "If my father ever told me how I was conceived, I'd... I'd sic Siwon on him."
The girls glanced at Ryeowook's pet lion cub, rolling belly up on the courtyard tiles, then bounding suddenly after something invisible or imaginary before losing interest and coming back to lay its head on Ryeowook's lap.
"Terrifying," Heechul said. "A real beast of terror, that one."
"He'll grow!" Ryeowook protested. Kibum smiled, listening to her cousins bicker over whether Siwon would ever be capable of total annihilation.
"Snow White! Snow White!" Kibum turned at the sound of her father's voice.
"Oh, gross, now I'll never be able to hear that name and not imagine your parents having sex," Heechul groaned, pretending to claw at her eyes. Kibum smacked her on the arm and ran to meet her father in the hall.
"What is it, father?"
"I wanted you to be the first to know," the king said, placing his hands on Kibum's shoulders. "I'm getting married again. You will finally have a mother in your life."
"CHOI SIWON YOU COME BACK HERE WITH MY SHOE."
Kibum tried not to snicker at Heechul's irate shrieking drifting up from the courtyard outside.
"Are you happy, Kibum?" the king asked.
"As long as you're happy, father," Kibum said.
"Kibum, your new mom is freaky," Heechul whispered at dinner three months after the king remarried. "Ryeowookie and I were plucking jasmines over at the garden in the east sector – you know they only grow there and Ryeowook gets so annoying like all 'but they're my signature flowers, I need them to blossom' or whatever, anyway. So we were there and we happened to look in the queen's bedroom and she was standing in front of the mirror, preening. And then she said… What was it she said, Ryeowook?"
"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all," Ryeowook said, sneaking bite sized pieces of her steak to Siwon under the table.
"So she’s vain," Kibum shrugged. "You're worse."
"No, I haven't gotten to the best part. She put on this freaky low voice and was like 'Thou, O Queen, are the fairest of them all!'" Heechul flailed dramatically, knocking over a glass. "Oh, crap, she's looking this way, act cool!"
"You're the one who's spazzing out," Kibum said, calmly placing the glass the right way up.
"I'm just saying, you should watch your back. Bitch is crazy in the head. Oh, speaking of which." Heechul slapped Kibum on the back of the head. "That was for calling me vain."
Kibum glanced at her step-mother from across the table, rubbing at her head. Heechul and Ryeowook were just being paranoid. There was nothing sinister in the way her step-mother smiled when their eyes met for a brief moment, nothing at all.
"Your highness?" Kibum turned to see a tall, handsome man striding towards her – a huntsman judging by the bow on his back and the hunter's knife strapped to his hip. "Good afternoon, your highness, I come with a message from the queen. She bids you to pick her fresh flowers from the woods, and I am to accompany you so that you do not come to harm."
"Oooh, he's cute, what's his name? Ask him his name!" Heechul nudged Kibum from behind.
"What is your name, good sir?" Kibum asked, wishing Heechul would bother to learn the formal language herself.
"My name is Hankyung, your highness, I hail from a distant village beyond the border."
"That explains the accent," Heechul swooned.
"We'll come with you," Ryeowook said. "Siwon needs to learn how to hunt."
"And what better way than learning with a proper huntsman?" Heechul batted her eyelashes at Hankyung. "Three girls, a cub and a handsome huntsman. Sounds like a plan, doesn't it?"
"I'm sorry, your highnesses, but the queen was very specific. I am to be Princess Kibum's only escort."
Heechul made a huffy sound and turned on her heel. "Fine, we know when we're not needed. Come on, Ryeowookie, let’s find another wood where Siwon can learn how to maim innocent wildlife."
"I'll bring you back some flowers," Kibum promised Ryeowook.
Ryeowook shook her head. "I only like jasmines. Have fun anyway."
"Your highness?" Hankyung called gently when the other two had left. "Shall we proceed?"
They passed through the castle gates and on to the woods by the castle walls – grown, they said, from a seed an old king once tossed out of his window. Kibum set to work picking the flowers she needed – the queen often set her weird tasks like 'work in the coal mines for three hours' or 'help the bakery sift the flour' – anything, it seemed, to get her clothes soiled and her face dirty – so picking wildflowers was actually one of the nicer activities yet.
"Did the queen say how many she needed?" Kibum asked when she had an armful of flowers. She turned to see Hankyung standing over her with his knife in his hands. "Oh."
"I can't do it. You're so young, and your smile is so pretty. I can't do it, I can't." Hankyung staggered back and dropped his knife.
"Your step-mother wants me to kill you. She told me to bring you here and kill you and bring her back your heart, but I can't kill you!"
Kibum patted Hankyung's shoulder. "It’s okay."
"Why aren't you scared or shocked?" Hankyung asked.
"It's my personality," Kibum shrugged. "So... I probably should go back and tell my father my step-mother's trying to have me killed."
"He left this morning to visit a neighbouring kingdom. And I think if you're still alive when I get back the queen will have me beheaded."
"Okay, so I won't go back yet." Kibum looked around. "Know of anywhere I can stay?"
Hankyung scratched his head, and then his face lit up. "I have some friends who live on the other side of the woods. Their son is away at college so I'm sure they'll be happy to take you in for the time being."
And that is how Kibum came to be introduced to Kangin and Eeteuk Bear, as well as Kyuhyun Bear, their son, who it turned out was not away at college.
"It's okay, we’ve got plenty of room," Eeteuk said. "Kangin will just have to move his junk from the guest room into the attic like I've been telling him to do so for years."
"Why do you have to put me down in front of new people?" Kangin asked, pouting.
"Oh I'm so sorry, darling, I didn't mean it that way. My intentions were good," Eeteuk said, hugging her husband. "Forgive me?"
"I'm not easy," Kangin pushed Eeteuk away with a sappy grin.
"You get used to it," Kyuhyun promised Kibum.
The Bears had a pig farm, and Eeteuk gave Hankyung a fresh heart from a pig she slaughtered herself.
"Oh, Kangin doesn't like the blood," she explained to Kibum. "It makes his knees go wobbly."
"It doesn’t!" Kangin protested from the attic. "I'm just busy doing what you asked me too!"
"Sure you are, dear!" Eeteuk called back, and then made funny faces to Kibum to indicate something different. Kibum couldn't help but smile and let Eeteuk teach him how to dehair a pig.
"Oh not again!" Kangin roared from inside the house. Kibum, still outside helping to unload the groceries from the car, gave Eeteuk a questioning look. Eeteuk sighed.
"Once a month, when everyone's out, someone breaks into the house and steals our food, breaks some of our furniture and messes up Kyuhyun’s bed. We can't figure out who's doing it or how they're getting past our security system."
"What did they break this time, dear?" Eeteuk called out, entering the house.
"Kyuhyun's chair again. I swear, I've fixed that thing so many times there're more new parts than old." Kangin waved a broken chair leg menacingly. "When I catch whoever's doing this..."
"Is Kyuhyun back yet?" Kibum asked, putting the groceries on the counter table.
"I don't know. Be a dear and check that nothing's broken in his room, will you?" Eeteuk asked, starting to put things away in the pantry. Kibum nodded and took the stairs two at a time. Kyuhyun's door was closed, but Kyuhyun had said he was going to hang out at his friend's place till dinner time, so Kibum didn't bother to knock before entering.
"Crap!" Kyuhyun exclaimed, falling out of bed with a loud thud. Kibum stared open mouthed at the blond girl in Kyuhyun’s bed, clutching the sheets to her chest.
"Hi," she said brightly, giving him a wave. "I'm Sungmin."
"Hi," Kibum waved back awkwardly.
"What's happened, did you catch the burglar?" Kangin stormed into the room, broken chair leg at the ready."Kyuhyun!"
"Dad, I can explain!" Kyuhyun wrapped a shirt around his waist.
"What's all the yelling? Is Kyuhyunnie home?" Eeteuk came into the room. "Oh my! Who's your friend?"
"Kyuhyun, pants, downstairs in five minutes," Kangin ordered, shooing Kibum and Eeteuk out of the room.
It turned out that Kyuhyun had met Sungmin at college and had been inviting her over when his parents were out doing grocery shopping. Usually they had a bite to eat before...
"Sometimes we get a bit carried away, and then things get a little bit broken," Sungmin said apologetically.
"Don't be mad at them, Kangin, you should be glad your son inherited your healthy sex drive," Eeteuk said soothingly.
Sungmin giggled with her hand over her mouth as both Kangin and Kyuhyun tried not to die of embarrassment.
Sungmin was a semi-permanent fixture at the Bear household after that, and Kibum found it was nice to have another girl around again, especially one that talked almost as much as Heechul. They were sitting on the porch one morning, and Sungmin was telling Kibum about how the news about the queen being pregnant had turned out to be all false, when suddenly they were attacked by a lion.
"JESUS CHRIST, IT'S A LION, GET IN THE-" Sungmin yelled before the lion bowled her over with a powerful swipe from its paws and roared.
"Siwon, down! Siwon!" Kibum got to her feet, staring as Ryeowook and Heechul ran towards the house, Hankyung following behind them. Ryeowook grabbed Siwon around the neck and hauled him off of Sungmin.
"Sorry, he doesn't like it when you use God's name in vain. Get down, Siwon!" Ryeowook pushed on Siwon's hindquarters until he sat down heavily on the porch, panting.
"Kibummie!" Heechul flew at Kibum and pulled her into a tight hug, kicking her right shoe off as she did so. Hankyung picked it up and knelt down, slipping it back onto her foot. "I missed you!"
"We missed you!" Ryeowook said, joining the hug.
"We missed you, and we thought you were dead!" Heechul said, flinging her arms around dramatically. "This guy came back with your heart in a baggy, can you imagine? He said you'd been mauled by a bear and that was all that was left. Ryeowook cried for weeks."
"You cried too," Ryeowook said.
"Nonsense, I never cry," Heechul sniffed. "Anyway, then huntsman here came up to us and said the queen wanted us to pick wildflowers, which as we all knew didn't exactly end well for you, so we refused, so finally he told us you were still alive and told us he'd take us to you and here you are! Living in squalor, you poor thing!"
"I'm very happy to see you too," Kibum said, smiling.
"Also can I say it? I told you that bitch is crazy in the head. I told you," Heechul jabbed a finger into Kibum's shoulder.
"Hang on a second," Sungmin said, holding up a hand. "Are you all princesses?"
"Yes," Ryeowook nodded. Sungmin squealed.
"I'm telling all my friends I've met princesses!" she ran into the house, still squeaking with excitement.
"Who's the blonde?" Heechul asked. "And why are there pigs here?"
"It's a very long story," Kibum said, patting Heechul's shoulder.
"Oh my god," Sungmin came out of the house, clutching her phone to her chest. Siwon rumbled unhappily, but Ryeowook pushed at his face to keep him quiet.
"What's happened?" Kibum asked.
"It's my friend, Eunhyuk. Apparently a wolf's been terrorising her grandmother's neighbourhood in Neung-gok, and now she's too scared to visit it alone."
"Ew, wolves," Ryeowook said, hugging Siwon.
"Hankyung can kill it. Can't you, Hankyung?" Heechul asked, turning to Hankyung.
"I actually prefer to practice a no-kill policy..." Hankyung began, but Heechul interrupted him.
"No-kill policy? You're a huntsman, aren't you?"
"I never actually said I was..." Hankyung ducked when Heechul threw her shoe at his head. "I'm sorry! The queen asked me to spy for her, and I couldn't say no. She turned my brother into a frog and I'll never get him back to normal if I don't do what she says."
"Bitch is crazy," Heechul said.
"Where's your brother now?” Ryeowook asked.
"He lives in a pond. It's near Neung-gok, actually we can visit him after we apprehend the wolf," Hankyung said.
"Kill. After we kill the wolf," Heechul said.
"But my policy..."
"It's okay, Siwon will handle it, won't you, Siwon?" Ryeowook asked, petting Siwon's flank. Siwon stretched and scratched behind his ear.
"He's still completely useless, by the way," Heechul informed Ryeowook.
"He chewed up half your shoes last week," Ryeowook retorted.
"Why can't he chew whole pairs? What am I going to do with fourteen left shoes, Ryeowookie?"
"You could decorate a Christmas tree," Sungmin suggested. "Assuming all your shoes are so shiny like that."
Eunhyuk turned out to be a nervous girl in a bright red hoodie with a basket of baked goods for her grandmother.
"She hasn't been feeling well, and mom told me to bring her some stuff to eat, but with the wolf... You know I saw him one time? He tried to sniff my hair. It was so weird." Eunhyuk shuddered.
"Well we're here now, and Mr. Hankyung will kill the wolf if he sees it," Sungmin said, giving Eunhyuk a comforting hug.
"Come along Hankyung, there're girls trekking through wooded areas completely vulnerable here!" Heechul yelled.
"What did the wolf look like?" Kibum asked Eunhyuk.
"He had dark hair, and a really big head, but really tiny hands. I think my hands were bigger than his."
"Hands?" Hankyung turned to Eunhyuk. "Like, human hands?"
"Wait, you guys thought... I said a wolf! Like a sexual predator! What?" Sungmin asked, frowning in confusion.
"I'm definitely instituting my no-kill policy," Hankyung told Heechul.
They got to Eunhyuk's grandmother's house without much further ado, and Eunhyuk asked them to wait outside so that her grandmother didn't feel too crowded from so many strangers. The other princesses chatted about what they would do with their new lives outside the castle when suddenly, someone gave a bloodcurdling scream and came tearing out of the house.
"Holy cow, that smell! Holy crap!" It was a dark haired man with tiny hands, and he fell to his knees on the ground outside, coughing and gagging.
"It's him!" Eunhyuk came to the door. "It's the wolf! He tried to pretend to be my grandmother so he could smell me!"
"Get him!" Heechul pulled off her shoe and ran forward, ready to bludgeon the wolf to death.
"Wait!" Ryeowook cried. "Wait! It's him!"
The wolf stood up, staring at Ryeowook. "This scent... Jasmine?"
"I've found you at last!" Ryeowook ran forward, throwing herself into the man's arms.
"Er, what?" Heechul turned to Kibum, who shrugged.
"This is Yehsung! We met last year at that dance social, and he promised to show me the world."
"You had jasmines in your hair," Yehsung said, tucking a lock of Ryeowook's hair behind her ear.
"Yes," Ryeowook said, blushing. "But you had that stupid midnight curfew, Heechul, so we left before I could give him my phone number."
"And you've been sniffing every girl since then?" Eunhyuk asked incredulously.
"Only recently," Yehsung said. He turned to Ryeowook. "I got desperate looking for you."
"But why would you pretend to be my grandmother?" Eunhyuk asked.
Yehsung gave an awkward laugh. "Ha, funny story that one... Speaking of whom, she's, um, in the closet. We should probably let her out." Eunhyuk squeaked with rage and ran back into the house with Sungmin. "There goes a girl who really needs a bath."
"You never told me!" Heechul whined at Ryeowook.
"It was romantic," Ryeowook said. "My secret love. I was going to pine for him forever and ever, and my suitors were going to fall in love with the distant, sad look in my exotic eyes."
"Suitors?" Yehsung frowned. "How much competition do I have, exactly?"
"Well," Ryeowook grinned, pointing at Siwon. "Just him, for now."
They got lost trying to find the pond where Hankyung's brother lived, and when they did eventually find it, they were not the only ones there.
"Oh, hello, did you come to visit the frog too?" Sungmin asked the figure sitting among the rushes. It didn't reply, and she pulled the leaves aside to reveal a wooden puppet. "Oh! I thought it was real!"
"I am real!" The puppet said, and all the girls, barring Kibum, shrieked, and Yehsung gave a slightly manlier holler of surprise.
"This day just keeps getting weirder and weirder," Heechul declared.
"Shindong! Shindong, where are you?" Hankyung called, patting the surface of the water.
"Hankyung?" A frog hopped out onto a lily pad. "Oh, good, you're here. Please explain to Donghae here that I am not a cricket."
"He's an alien cricket," Donghae said.
"I don't even have the right number of legs."
"He got mutated by the space rays on his way to Earth."
"I've always wanted a pet frog," Eunhyuk said, picking Shindong up. "Bonus points for talking. Does it dance, too?"
"You can talk directly to me, you know," Shindong waved his legs feebly in the air.
"Sorry, do you dance, too?" Eunhyuk asked.
"Put me down and I'll show you."
Eunhyuk gingerly placed Shindong on the ground and backed away to give him room. Shindong started croaking rhythmically, and then began, inexplicably, to dance. It was entertaining, Kibum had to give him that, and Eunhyuk was certainly amused enough to grab Shindong again and give him a big kiss on the top of his head.
"I love him and I want to keep him forever!"
"EW!" Ryeowook and Heechul recoiled in unison, even as Shindong suddenly sprouted a full head of hair.
"Shindong?" Hankyung peered at the frog still sitting in Eunhyuk's hands.
"I feel decidedly strange," Shindong said, and then very suddenly he grew about twenty times in size.
"I don't want a giant frog," Eunhyuk said faintly.
"MUTANT SPACE CRICKET!" Donghae flailed unhelpfully.
And then poof, Shindong was a human again.
"Hankyung!" Shindong cried, patting himself down. "I'm human!"
"You're also naked," Heechul pointed out.
"Who cares? I'm not breathing through my skin anymore!" Shindong danced happily around the pond.
"You kissed him and he turned into a real boy!" Donghae flailed at Eunhyuk. Possibly with his limbs built the way they were he couldn't make a movement that didn't resemble flailing. "Somebody kiss me, quick!"
"I'm not kissing you," Eunhyuk backed behind Sungmin.
"I have a boyfriend," Sungmin said.
"We all have boyfriends," Heechul said.
"You do?" Ryeowook asked.
"Yes, he's over there with the naked frog man." Hankyung opened his mouth, possibly to protest, but Heechul charged on. "Kibum doesn't have a boyfriend. She can kiss him."
"Not a xylophiliac," Kibum said, holding up her hands.
"Oh hello, Kibum, you're home," Eeteuk said.
"I brought some friends," Kibum said. "I hope that's okay."
"One of them is naked," Eeteuk said.
"Sorry." Shindong cleared his throat.
"I think some of Kangin's old clothes might fit you. The rest of you can start on the apples, if you're hungry. A very nice old lady brought them by earlier, said they were from her orchard. Come along, naked person," Eeteuk said, leading the way up the stairs.
The others declined to take the apples on account of having eaten all of the baked goods Eunhyuk had brought for her grandmother earlier, but Kibum could never resist an apple, so while the others tried to come up with ways to turn Donghae into a real boy, she bit into the biggest and reddest one.
Almost immediately, she knew something was wrong. It had something to do with the way she couldn't breathe, or cry for help, or stop grabbing frenziedly at her own throat.
She was aware of someone noticing something was wrong, and aware of a lot of unnecessary shouting on Heechul's part, and then she felt a sharp pull somewhere below her ribcage and she coughed, hard.
"How stupid do you have to be to choke on an apple?" Heechul demanded, smacking Kibum on the head.
"You're alive!" Ryeowook smothered Kibum in a hug. "You're so lucky Donghae knows the Heimlich."
Kibum turned to thank the puppet only to find in its place a real living breathing boy with the most adorable lost puppy expression ever.
"Okay, that's it. I'm officially done with this day." Heechul announced, marching to the refrigerator and rummaging in it for some form of alcohol.
"I don't know how it happened, I just saved you and then..." Donghae felt his face. "I have skin!"
Kibum blinked at him, tilted her head and then pulled him in for a very long and grateful kiss.
"I’m very happy for all of you," Eeteuk said, when someone had finally explained the day's events to her. "But I can't keep all of you under my roof. You, particularly, look like your closet would be bigger than my bedroom." She pointed to Heechul.
"It is," Heechul raised her mug to her lips and took another gulp.
"We can always stay at my house," Donghae offered. "It's pretty big."
"I thought you said your father's a toy maker?" Kibum asked.
"He is. He owns Toys 'R' Us."
"Can Siwon come?" Ryeowook asked.
"It's a really big house."
And they lived happily ever after.
In case you couldn't figure it out (in order of appearance):
Kibum - Snow White
Heechul - Cinderella
Ryeowook - Jasmine
Siwon - Simba
Hankyung - Huntsman
Kangin, Eeteuk, Kyuhyun - The three bears
Sungmin - Goldilocks
Eunhyuk - Little Red Riding Hood
Yehsung - The Wolf/Aladdin
Donghae - Pinocchio
Shindong - The Frog Prince
I hope you enjoyed that because I certainly loved having the stories click together in my head!