Pairing: Kyuhae [Donghae & Kyuhyun]
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone.
Summary: It was then that I truly realized why I let myself be his victim.
He pushed himself inside of me forcefully, gripping my wrists like a rope while he was pinning them above my head. I felt humiliated, hurt, sad and angry at the man above me but I would never get myself to hate him. I was so used to the physical and mental abuse and to the rape that at some point in our twisted relationship, I stopped struggling. I just laid there with my legs spread and him pumping in and out of me. I didn't flinch at the words he spat at me and I didn't struggle to get him off me.
He filled me with his juices at the same time mine spat over my chest and my scar-covered stomach. He pushed himself off of me and dressed himself up. I pushed myself off the bed too and slumped into the bathroom. I turned on the shower and got underneath it and my skin burned when the hot water touched my body. I cleaned myself thoroughly wanting, needing to get the dirty and used feel off me. I scrubbed myself until my skin got red and then dried myself off.
I changed the bedsheets and covers before slumping to my separate room, locking myself in and letting myself get taken over by sleep as soon as I hit the pillows on my bed.
I woke up by the moans and screams of a woman. I could also hear Donghaes small grunts and moans when I was fully awake. I clenched my jaw and placed my hands over my ears in an desperate attempt to block out the sounds. It was an useless thing to do, but then again he always told me that I was a useless human being.
My shaky hands reached to the glass that was standing on my bedside table. Once I got a hold of it I sat up and looked up to stare at myself in the mirror, that stood on the opposite side of my bed. My hair was messy, I had dark circles that framed the underside of my lifeless eyes, I was paler than before and I had lost weight to a point that shadows were cast in the deep hollows of my cheeks.
I brought the glass to my cracked and dry lips and drank the remaining liquid that was in there. I crawled to the end of my bed and sat on my knees, my hands still holding on to the empty glass. I cocked my head to the side and inspected me carefully. The clothes I wore fitted me perfectly in the past, now I had lost so much weight that it became and size large on me. I smiled bitterly and tears were streaming down my cheeks again.
I was known as the witty, handsome and genius Cho Kyuhyun. The man who made woman and men go crazy with just a smirk and darkened look in his eyes. I could make people cry from both sadness and happiness with just my voice. Often I would get teased by many people for having a slight game-addiction. I always played pranks on my brothers on and off screen and one day it got back at me.
Changmin and I made a bet that I could make Donghae fall in love with me. It took me ages to do so and when I finally thought that I had him, the tables turned. I found myself falling for everything he did. The way he smiled, the way he cried, the way he would hug me close to him and feeling his warmth melting in with mine. How his thin, pink lips fitted perfectly on mine and how he would blush and bury his face in the crook of my neck after our make-out session. Even though he was the one that would act like the shy, vulnerable one in our relationship, his behavior changed 180 degrees whenever we made love. He was dominant, he would whisper dirty things in my ear and had this devious smirk on his face. When we were cuddling at the end, he always told me he loved me and made promises with me. Empty, meaningless, meant to be broken promises.
When I confessed him about the bet, he wasn't even the slightest angry. He was hurt and upset but when I told him my real feelings those emotions faded from his face as if they never were there. He hugged me, kissed me, told me he loved me and then we made love again and again. After Super Junior disbanded we moved into a small and cozy house we soon called home. I was truly happy and I believed he was too. We were a perfect couple for 2 years but then it all changed. He grew distant and cold towards me. His focus began to be on others, mostly females, instead of me and when I finally confronted him on it he began beating me. Then all the horrible and cruel things happened and soon the Cho Kyuhyun that the public and the family has known disappeared.
That Cho Kyuhyun changed into this Cho Kyuhyun.
I gripped the glass harder and rage began to fill my eyes and body. I was trembling and furiously rubbed away the tears that were staining my cheeks. I hated myself for becoming so fucking weak. I hated myself for making Donghae into the being I was that day. I hated myself for losing my one and only passion. I hated myself for loving Donghae despite all that has happened.
That was all it took for me to throw the glass into the mirror and I watched with a wicked smile as the mirror smashed into a million pieces in front of me. I could hear gasps and then they were talking in hushed voices. I leaned down and took a piece of the mirror in my hand. When I heard someone bonking on my door I gripped the piece of glass into my hand, finding myself enjoying the burning and painful ache the piece did as it cut into it.
“Kyuhyun? Kyuhyun? Open up? What was that sound? Kyuhyun?!”, his voice became louder and louder and soon he was roaring my name. Ordering me to open it. I threw the piece back into the pile of others on the floor and strutted over to my bathroom, locking it up. Just as I did that I heard the door being forced open and Donghae stumbling in.
“Oh my god!”, I could hear Victoria gasp out loud. Slut. I thought. I walked in front of the mirror and looked with an amused expression at myself. I glanced at my bloody hand. I felt an old familiar smirk creep up my face and let out a light laugh.
“Kyuhyun! Kyuhyun you fuck, what have you done?! Open up the damn bathroom door! Now!”, Donghae was screaming again. I could hear the rage and anger in his voice but also something else that I couldn't quite place.
“Kyuhyun, please, honey, open the door!”, I heard Victoria cry. I scoffed and gave in to them. I opened up the door and was met with both of them standing in their underwear.
“You could have at least dressed up decently”, I commented and walked passed their shocked faces. I walked over to where the shards were lying and I picked one up, toying with it.
“What the fu-”, Donghae's angry rant was cut off when he saw me slicing myself in my arm. Victoria shrieked and turned around with an lazy smirk looking at both shocked and horrified faces. She rushed to me and tried to get the shard out of my hand but I held my arm up in the air, making her unable to reach for it.
“Kyu, give it to me. Alright, don't hurt yourself, just give it to me”, she tried to coax me but I arched my brow at her and barked out a loud laugh, making both her and Donghae flinch. Donghae turned his head away when I made another slit in my arm, feeling a drop of blood get on my cheek.
“Why are you looking away?”, I asked him, glaring at him. “I know you just love it whenever I am in pain. Why can't you look at it now? It's been a while since you've seen me hurting”, I gasped the last word out when I made another cut in my other arm. I furrowed my brows and bit my lip to keep myself from making sounds. My cuts were burning and aching with an unfamiliar pain but somewhere I felt pleasure and satisfaction from it. “Or can't you look at it because I am the one hurting me instead of you”, I spat out in disgust.
“Kyu, what are you talking about? Stop this nonsense, give me the shard, please”, Victoria was almost on her knees as she was begging me to give the piece to her. I looked down at her giving her a dead glare which made her stumble a few steps back. Her eyes were wide and she was looking horrified and afraid.
“Fuck off, Victoria. You slut”, I hissed at her, ignoring the tears that were pouring from her eyes. Donghae's head snapped up and he looked at me stunned and wide-eyed. “You were supposed to be my friend, but instead I hear you fucking my boyfriend on our couch”, I added.
“Yo-you do-don't understand”, she stuttered out, humiliated and hurt at the words I gave her.
“Kyuhyun stop, now”, Donghae's voice interrupted and he looked at me with a deadly look.
“If you don't want to see it, go out of my room”, I said without a care and sat on my bed. “It does makes you a quite a hypocrite when you tell me to stop and expect me to listen”, I made another small cut on the back of my hand. “Whenever I asked, begged, pleaded you to stop you never listened. Why do you expect me to do the same?”, I asked and looked at him with an amusing expression.
I inhaled deeply as I made a deep cut into my leg. Slicing both my shorts and skin open. I watched in enjoyment as the thick, red liquid seeped out of it. “It feels really good”, I breathed out with an smile on my face.
I stared wide-eyed at the headboard of my bed and turned my head slowly to look into Donghae's furious and teary eyes. The shard slipped out of my hand and with my free hand touched the cheek that he just slapped. It stung like a bitch.
“Enough”, he growled. I blinked a few times making myself snap out of my daze. I took in my surroundings and l looked around in panic. My eyes landed on my bloody and damaged arms and I felt my jaw go hang.
“D-d-did I-I d-do th-this?”, I stuttered out whispering, panic lacing my voice. I started shaking violently and covered my face in my hands. “Oh my god”, I kept on chanting it like mantra. I felt arms embracing my shaking form and voices whispering to me that It was getting alright. That I would be alright.
“Shh, Kyu, baby”, Donghae's voice was soft and sweet. Reassuring and safe. I missed this tone, I missed this voice. “It's alright, its gonna be alright. I promise”, his lips touched my temples and held me close. Later Victoria joined in, hugging us two and whispering the same words Donghae did.
After they've calmed me down they cleaned up the mess that I made and made me lie down in bed. I had no idea what had possessed me a few moments ago, I had no idea where I got the guts to actually disobey Donghae and talked with a foul mouth too him. I couldn't believe that I called my best friend a slut in front of her and gave her dead glares. I clung onto my head pillow as my tears threatened to escape again. I still could feel a vague ache on the places that I had cut myself. When I closed my eyes I realized that I was really worn out, so I let myself be guided into a dreamless sleep.
I woke up screaming when I felt a strong force yanking my head by my hair. I was panting and looking terrified at Donghae who was hovering over me with an dangerous look on his face. His eyes were darker than they were normally and he was clenching his jaw. Then I felt myself get thrown off the bed onto the ground. I groaned in pain as I fell with my face against the hard floor. I could feel something trickling down from my nose and I held onto my head when a sudden headache appeared. I sat up with difficulty and stared shocked and terrified at Donghae. He was kneeling on the side of my bed with his backside facing me but his head turned around. I never had seen him like this and the look he just gave me made me back up crawling until I hit the wall and I was trapped.
“D-Donghae”, I whispered scared as he got off my bed and approached me slowly, like predator whom is about to lunge at their target.
He grabbed my by my collar and tilted me up. Out of nowhere a loving and warm smile appeared on his face. Mesmerizing me completely and I felt my heart beat faster and an blush creeping up my neck. I was so in trance of the beauty he became by just giving me one smile that the impact of his fist that collided with my stomach was huge. I doubled over and clutched onto my stomach while gasping for air. I fell onto my knees and got a kick right on my shoulder, making my head collide hard against the wall behind me.
“Listen you dirty slut”, he whispered menacingly as he got down so that we were face to face. I was coughing and crying like crazy. He gripped my jaw harshly and I believed that If he just put on a bit more pressure it would've broke.
“That little stunt you just pulled, is not going to happen anymore. I am the only one who gets to pain you, the only one who gets to leave marks or scars on you. You know why?”, he waited for me to show any sign for him to continue. I nodded shakily as I felt me getting a bit light headed at the pain that was coming from all parts of my body.
“You belong to me. You don't belong to anyone else, not your parents not even yourself”, he spat. “You love only me and no one else. I refuse to fucking share you, got it Kyuhyun? You love me and only me, you belong to me and only me. If you ever dare to pull this little stunt again, things will get ugly”, he added and ended with an evil smirk. He let go of my jaw as if he just touched something disgusting and I flinched. He walked out of my room and close the door loudly.
I sat there staring off into space and went over what just had happened. Then the pain kicked in again and I hugged my knees to my chest as I cried and screamed. After Shisus knows how long I dragged myself back into bed but I was unable to fall asleep as the things that had happened replayed themselves like a movie inside my head.
I just lay there replaying everything the whole time. I gasped when I felt two strong arms embrace my waist and lips pressing themselves against the back of my neck.
“I'm so sorry, Kyu”, he kept saying the same phrase with each kiss he placed. I was frozen and stunned at the sudden affection I got. He turned me around and pecked my lips. “Baby forgive me, please”, he stared me with innocent and sorry eyes. He looked like the man I had met. The man who had hugged me and welcomed me in Super Junior with open arms. The Donghae I came to know and love with the whole of my heart.
“Y-yeah”, it came out hoarse and soft. He pressed me against his chest and caressed my hair lovingly. Whispering how sorry he was and how much he hated himself for doing this to me. I wrapped my arms around his waist and snuggled against his chest. I lifted my hands to cup his face and pulled him down to me, pressing my lips against his.
It was then that I truly realized why I let myself be his victim. Why I let myself getting tortured by everything he did and said.
He needed me. Without me he would be lost.
My hands tangled themselves in his hair and I pressed myself closer to him. “It's okay, I forgive you”, I whispered, breaking the kiss but still having our lips pressed to each other.
We made love that night for the first time in ages and I treasured each moment of it.
Because I knew that when I would wake up again, I would wake up in the same hell as before, without a trace of anything that had happened that day.
AN: ah first fanfiction /hides