Title: Or Maybe That's Just the Sound of My Heart Breaking [chapter four]
Genre: Drama, angst (horror?)
Disclaimer: If I owned them, there’s no way in hell I’d write this half-assed shit about them. I’d film them 24/7.
Warning(s): Rape, abuse
Summary: Kyuhyun and Sungmin met at a very young age, yet it was evident that they were perfect for each other, like missing halves of a whole. But then one day Sungmin is snatched away from Kyuhyun - what has happened to him, and what will his friends and family do?
Author’s Note: I'm sorry TwT
Also, this is pretty much Sungmin's story to what happened in chapter three.
Previous: chapter one (character introduction) / chapter two / chapter three
“Stupid, stupid Kyuhyun,” he muttered, kicking a pebble with slightly more force than needed. “Doesn’t he love his boyfriend?”
An amused chuckled from behind him interrupted his dialogue with himself. He turned around, wondering if the person had chuckled at him and rather shocked to find out that was the case.
“You’re quiet the cute one, huh?” the man said, smirking in amusement. “Even when you’re upset.”
Sungmin’s eyebrows rose up as he was surprised more than anything, and still a bit annoyed.
“I’m sorry, do I know you?” he asked, annoyance evident in his voice. The man chuckled again.
“Maybe not now, but you used to,” he said, confusing Sungmin further and maybe, just maybe, sparking his curiosity a little.
“I used to?” he asked, tilting his head to the side.
“Yeah, when we were really little. I’m not surprised you can’t remember,” the man said, smiling gently. “But I remember you. I mean, how can I not? You’re really one of a kind.”
Sungmin felt himself blushing and he looked away from the man, finding his gaze to be rather embarrassing.
“Thank you,” he mumbled. He looked up again when a hand made its way into his line of vision.
“I’m Choi Siwon. Care to join me for a cup of coffee? I don’t live far from here,” the man said, still smiling. Sungmin hesitated for a split second before he accepted the offer of shaking hands.
“Lee Sungmin, pleasure to meet you… again,” he laughed. “My boyfriend is waiting for me to come back with the groceries, but I’m sure he won’t mind waiting. He’s probably too into his game to notice anything anyway.”
Siwon chuckled and started leading the way to his house, Sungmin falling into step with him.
“Boyfriend, huh?” he said, and Sungmin felt himself blush once more.
“I’m sorry, was that… too much?” he asked. Siwon shook his head.
“No, not at all. I’m gay myself, but this country seems rather devoid of good quality gay men…” he sighed. Sungmin laughed.
“Oh no, not at all. I have several friends that are gay and they’re all really nice and fun to hang out with. I’m afraid none of them is available though,” he informed Siwon, who raised one of his rather impressive eyebrows.
“Is that so? Tell me more about them,” he asked.
“Well, we have Heechul. He is… eccentric. And rather feminine. He’s with Hangeng, who’s from China. Then we have Hyukjae, he’s my boyfriend’s cousin, and his boyfriend Donghae. They’re like little kids and they fit perfectly together, like two pieces of a puzzle, if you know what I mean? They’re both great at dancing, too. I don’t know much about Hangeng, he’s rather silent, but his Beijing Fried Rice is amazing,” Sungmin said. Siwon chuckled.
“Lee Donghae?” he asked, and Sungmin looked surprised.
“Yeah! How did you know?” he asked, smiling widely. Siwon grinned back.
“We used to go to the same dance school and we knew each other, but… I didn’t know he’s gay. Also I’m not really fit for dancing, so I quit after a while. Oh, this is my house.”
Sungmin looked up at the building they had stopped in front of.
“Woah. I think this is even bigger than me and my boyfriend’s house,” he said. Then he turned to Siwon, eyebrows raised once more. “Do you live here alone?”
“I used to live here with my mother and father, but my father died ten years ago and my mother recently became too old to live on her own, or even with just me, and had to move to a retirement home,” the other answered.
“Oh.” Sungmin nodded in understanding as they entered, looking around as he toed his shoes off.
“Want some coffee?” Siwon asked as he made his way into the kitchen, Sungmin following close behind.
“Sure, but then I’ll have to go.” He chuckled to himself. “God knows Kyuhyun would get himself food poisoned without me.”
Siwon chuckled as well.
“Kyuhyun, is that your boyfriend?” he asked. Sungmin nodded, smiling as he thought of Kyuhyun.
“Yeah. He’s a total nerd, though. He plays StarCraft almost all the time.”
“Isn’t that boring, that he isn’t with you?” Siwon asked, his back to Sungmin. Sungmin shrugged, even if Siwon couldn’t see it.
“Nah, not really. His caring, loving sides make up for it. Sometimes he’ll surprise me with cupcakes or my favorite dish, and even if it tastes horrible I’ll eat it, because he’s just too sweet. Other times he’ll suddenly take me to the cinema or take me out to dinner, or just spend a whole evening showing me how much he loves me…” Sungmin trailed off, laughing in embarrassment. “I’m talking too much about him, aren’t I?”
Siwon turned around as he let the coffee machine work, grinning widely.
“Not at all,” he assured Sungmin. “I know what it’s like to be in love, and I can tell you love Kyuhyun very much. So please keep talking, I want to know more about the lucky man who captured this cutie’s heart.”
Siwon ruffled his hair as he said this and Sungmin laughed. As they drank their coffee and ate some cookies Siwon had managed to dig out, they talked about everything under the sun. Sungmin found out that he was slightly older than Siwon, and he had great fun in forcing the other to call him ‘hyung’. They talked a lot about family as well, and love.
Siwon had previously had a girlfriend, but it was during that time he came to terms with his homosexuality as he realized he’d rather look at his male friends than his girlfriend. Sungmin revealed he’d never had a girlfriend at all, but in total three boyfriends, if he counted Kyuhyun.
When the coffee had been empty for a while and the cookies eaten since long, Sungmin glanced at the clock on Siwon’s wall. His eyes widened as he realized it was already 5pm.
“Oh, it’s that late already? It was really nice talking to you, Siwon-sshi, but I should really go. Kyuhyun’s probably hungry,” he said as he rose from the table with a polite smile. He went back into the hallway to put his shoes and jacket back on, Siwon following close behind.
“I hope we can talk some time again,” Sungmin said, smiling as he turned to leave – only Siwon was blocking the door, eyes dark.
“Where are you going?” he asked. Sungmin felt his heart speed up with fear.
“Um… To the grocery shop and then home? Kyu’s probably hungry by now…” he answered, cursing himself when he heard the uncertainty in his own voice. Siwon sneered at him.
Sungmin felt anger mix with his uncertainty and growing fear as he frowned.
“What do you mean, ‘no’? You can’t decide what I’ll do and what I won’t do,” he argued, annoyance creeping into his voice this time. Siwon glared at him. Sungmin stared back. Then, suddenly, Siwon’s features softened and he smiled, but it didn’t look polite or nice anymore. It was calculating, calm and cold.
“Oh, but I plan to,” he replied, sounding smug. Sungmin scoffed, promising himself not to let his fear show as Siwon advanced on him.
“Come any closer and I’ll kick you,” Sungmin warned, slowly backing away. “Real hard.”
“I’m not very sensitive,” Siwon replied, rolling his eyes. This was when Sungmin began getting scared for real – and when he realized something.
“You!” he spat. “It was you all the time – the weird man in the corners, the little notes… It was you!”
Siwon smirked as he managed to advance even further without Sungmin’s notice, as the smaller man was too into his own thoughts.
“That’s right. I’m better for you than that Kyuhyun – I know you need to be shown that you’re loved, not just know it. I know what food you like, that your favorite color is pink, that your favorite animal is rabbit and even what shampoo you use,” Siwon told him, mainly to keep the other distracted.
It worked. Sungmin didn’t realize Siwon had come even closer – until he was stuck. His breath hitched for a moment before he began struggling with all he had.
“Let me go!” he screamed, trying to aim a kick at Siwon’s groin – only Siwon had foreseen it and managed to stop him. “Let me go you fucking idiot!”
Now, everyone should know Sungmin very rarely swore. He only swore when he was really angry, during sex (something only Kyuhyun knew in their circle of friends) or, in this case, when he really scared.
“No,” Siwon answered as he pulled Sungmin somewhere into the house. “You’re mine.”
Sungmin took to screaming for help instead, even though he doubted anyone would hear him. Besides it was getting more difficult to scream, as his voice gradually began giving in and he began crying.
When Siwon threw him onto the floor in what Sungmin assumed was the basement, he did nothing more than curl up into a ball and cry as he heard Siwon lock the door.
“Kyuhyunnie,” he sobbed under his breath. “Kyuhyunnie, I’m sorry. This isn’t your fault…”
The first day, all that happened was that Siwon came down with food for him and tried to talk to him, tried to convince him that he was better for Sungmin than Kyuhyun. Sungmin didn’t listen. The first time Siwon came down to him, he tried to beat him up, but he quickly gave in when Siwon threatened with drugging him to keep him in check.
“You’re on TV,” Siwon said when he came down to give Sungmin his dinner on the second day. “And all your friends.”
“… Was Kyuhyun there?” Sungmin asked quietly, perfectly prepared for the slap that landed on his cheek. Siwon snorted softly as he backed away from Sungmin, sitting down on one of the two chairs. Apart from the chairs there was a small rickety table, a bed and a bathroom.
“Of course he was,” he said, voice cold and venomous. “He didn’t say much though, mostly he just sat there. His sister spoke on his behalf, saying he was devastated and shit.”
Sungmin had difficulties swallowing. He really, really missed Kyuhyun, so much that his heart was aching – aching in a quite literal sense.
“I think he was pretending,” Siwon commented airily. “It’s rather obvious he doesn’t really care for you, doesn’t deserve you, barely even wants you.”
Siwon made sure he had eye contact with Sungmin before he spoke, pronouncing the words slowly and painfully clear.
“He pretended all along.”
It was just the beginning of his trying to break down Sungmin’s mental walls.
Yet it took a whole week for Siwon to even imply he would advance on Sungmin physically. By then Sungmin had already stopped talking fully, he didn’t even look at Siwon.
“Come on Min, don’t you think we’re ready to take it to the next level?” Siwon asked from where he was sitting on his usual chair, watching Sungmin eat. Sungmin stiffened and froze, chopsticks halfway to his mouth and lips parted.
Siwon chuckled and shifted.
“I know, I’m a little shocked as well. I mean, so little time has passed, but I already feel I know you so well… and I’m so impatient,” he said. He was obviously delusional, Sungmin had already figured. “And I like you so much, Sungmin. You’re so cute, yet so sexy… How do you do it?”
Now Sungmin was surer than ever that Siwon was delusional. He was positive he’d lost weight, he hadn’t washed his hair for a week and the clothes he wore were the same as on the day Siwon had locked him up. Even though there was a shower in the bathroom, Sungmin had been way too tired and scared to use it while he was there, so he was pretty sure he also reeked of sweat and that there were grey tear streaks on his face as he’d wore a small amount of eyeliner that day.
“But if you’re not ready yet, I’m fine with that,” Siwon said as Sungmin didn’t move a muscle. Sungmin could hear the lies in his voice and his muscles refused to relax as he forced them to move the way he wanted.
Siwon was silent until the food Sungmin was eating was gone from his plate, and then he only said a simple ‘good boy’ as he took the eating utensils from Sungmin and went back upstairs. Sungmin could hear the clicks from the several locks on the door and clenched his eyes shut as tears threatened to fall.
A full week and he still hadn’t gotten used to it.
He did all he could to contain his sobs as he slowly got up and walked towards the bed, his only source of warmth and the place he spent most of his days. Sleeping, crying, daydreaming about Kyuhyun. Sometimes he prayed, but it didn’t seem to work. At least not yet.
The only light he had in the basement was one small, naked light bulb hanging from the ceiling and Sungmin couldn’t have it on at night to keep the nightmares away; Sungmin suspected Siwon did something so it couldn’t be turned on and, possibly, attract attention.
“Kyuhyun-ah,” he whispered to the empty room. The imaginary Kyuhyun he’d made a habit of speaking to obediently appeared. Sungmin smiled, even if his eyes were still set on the wall, devoid of all emotion.
“I miss you. So much,” Sungmin said, voice becoming hoarse quickly. Imaginary Kyuhyun stroked his cheek. Sungmin felt nothing.
“I know baby, I miss you too.”
His voice was fading as well. Sungmin was scared. He wouldn’t forget Kyuhyun right? Just for a little while. Just long enough for it not to hurt. Then, when he managed to get out… he’d remember again.
But Sungmin was afraid. What if he couldn’t remember when he was supposed to? What if Kyuhyun ran up to him and hugged him and Sungmin couldn’t remember him? They’d have to get to know each other all over again. Things would never become the same.
Sungmin sighed and turned over, his back against Imaginary Kyuhyun. Maybe he was just overthinking things.
He woke up when someone grabbed him harshly. Too bad. His dream had, for once, been really good. He’d been on a beautiful meadow, with lots of pretty flowers. The sun had been shining and the sky was blue. Kyuhyun was there as well, laughing at all of Sungmin’s childish antics and performing some himself. Sungmin remembered that they got into a tickle fight and that he’d laughed until he cried. They had kissed. Kyuhyun had showered him with words of love and promises of forever.
But then he was woken up by a person who most definitely wasn’t Kyuhyun. Sungmin could feel it with his entire being and automatically moved away from the man. The man hissed and grabbed him even harsher, pulling him back.
“Don’t you dare!” Siwon hissed and Sungmin whimpered as the other used his hair to pull his head back so he could suck a mark into his neck.
“Please, no,” Sungmin tried to say, but his voice was no more than a whisper.
“You’re mine,” Siwon growled as he detached himself from Sungmin’s neck, switching to effectively rip his clothes off.
Sungmin realized what was about to happen and closed his eyes, trying to shut it all off; his feelings, his senses… Instead he imagined Kyuhyun with all his might. Kyuhyun smiling, Kyuhyun laughing, Kyuhyun telling him he loved him, the concentrated look on his face when he gamed, the excited look on his face whenever Sungmin ate something he’d cooked, his peaceful sleeping face…
It hurt. It hurt so bad.
Sungmin opened his mouth and cried out in pain, but he couldn’t even hear it. Imaginary Kyuhyun suddenly appeared next to him, more real than ever before.
He held Sungmin’s hand and stroked his hair, telling him it would be okay, he would just have to suffer a little more, they’d soon be in each other’s arms again…
And then he passed out.
When he woke up, Siwon was gone and there was a sticky mess between his legs. Pain shot up his spine whenever he tried to move in the least so he settled for lying as still as he possibly could.
He felt dirty. He felt used and guilty.
“Kyuhyun-ah,” he called lowly as he stared up at the ceiling. He didn’t cry, because he had no tears left. “Kyuhyun-ah!”
His voice cracked. Imaginary Kyuhyun was transparent when he finally showed up.
“I’m so sorry, love, but I can’t take seeing you like this,” he said, voice echoing faintly. He was crying. Sungmin closed his eyes and willed the blissful blanket of black nothing to envelope him once more.
Sooner or later he must have succeeded, because suddenly he was in a church, dressed in a beautiful wedding gown and Kyuhyun was standing right in front of him, the priest was telling Kyuhyun that he could not kiss the bride… The priest.
It was Siwon.
And suddenly the beautiful lie turned into a nightmare. Siwon whipped out a knife from nowhere and forced Sungmin to watch as he stabbed Kyuhyun to death.
Sungmin automatically rolled over on his side when he woke up, but was actually made him throw up wasn’t the remaining nausea from the dream, but rather the pain that shot up along his spine in shockwaves.
“Please,” he whispered between dry sobs.
Weeks passed in very much the same manner. Sungmin lost track of time. He stopped feeling. He got used to the pain in his body. He threw himself over the food whenever Siwon came down with it. Sungmin knew it was not enough and he also had a guess to why; Siwon wanted to keep him alive, but weak enough not to be able to fight.
“Do you know why you’re here?” Siwon asked one day, several months after Sungmin had been kidnapped, as he watched Sungmin drink the glass of water he’d brought in one go. Sungmin shrugged. He could barely remember and, to be quite honest, he didn’t care anymore.
“You don’t have to be here,” Siwon told him. “Just agree to be my boyfriend and I’ll let you up from here, I’ll let you live with me.”
Sungmin passed and looked up at Siwon suspiciously. He had a feeling he should refuse, there was someone else he loved… But he could barely remember. Everything from the life he led before this was so distant… He could barely remember what sunlight felt like anymore.
“Come one, baby.” Siwon reached a hand out to stroke Sungmin’s cheek. Sungmin didn’t flinch. He knew it was no use. “Don’t you want to feel the sun warm your skin again? Be able to take a hot bath or watch TV…”
That got to Sungmin. He thought for a second more, then he nodded. Siwon smiled and walked up the stairs, opening the door. Sungmin expected him to walk out and lock the door, as usual, but he just stood there, smiling down at Sungmin.
Sungmin was frozen in place for a few more moments before he got up, walking towards the stairs and slowly making his way up them. He’d learnt a while ago that he shouldn’t move too quickly. It would make him dizzy and nauseous and he definitely didn’t want to throw up the small amount of nutrition he received each day.
Siwon smiled encouragingly as Sungmin slowly walked into the house and looked around. He stood in a small room. There was a washing machine there, and a laundry basket filled with what Sungmin assumed was dirty clothes.
As he followed Siwon into the sunlit living room, faint memories flashed through his mind. Siwon holding him, Sungmin struggling… Why had he struggled? He should’ve known already then that the least painful way was to just give in.
He squinted as the sunlight pierced his eyes. The only form of daylight he’d had in the basement was what made its way through the tiny windows and that wasn’t much at all, considering how dirty those windows were.
Siwon smiled widely at him. Sungmin hesitantly tried to smile back, but he found he’d nearly forgotten how to use the muscles in his face for something else than a grimace of pain.
“Um… thank you,” he said, voice low and hoarse with the lack of use. Siwon’s smile grew even wider.
“You’re welcome. Hey, you like cooking, right? I bought this,” he picked up a cook book from the table, “only for you.”
Sungmin nodded a little and continued listening as Siwon told him he was free to go wherever he wanted within the house and the garden – but he wasn’t allowed outside. Sungmin thought this was a little weird, but he didn’t say anything. He supposed Siwon had his reasons.
He took a quick bath upstairs and then went back downstairs to try on the clothes Siwon had bought for him. They were all in colors he liked – pink, black, white – and fitted him perfectly. Sungmin didn’t feel happy and he had no idea why.
He had forgotten what made him happy.