Jackie Blue (ebonics4dummies) wrote in miracle______,
Jackie Blue
ebonics4dummies
miracle______

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Title: N/A (for now)
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Humor. Crack.
Status: Ongoing
Summary: AU. Five years prior to his ‘untimely’ death ShiWon unknowingly slept with the Devil. Now in order to get into Heaven, he must go back in time and right his obvious wrong. Satan, however, may have other plans…
Features British!Pouty-mouth!ShiWon.




A/N:The prologue is basically ShiWon having a conversation with God. The bold “G” is whatever God says, the specifics of which are up to your imagination (though the gist is basically implied). I wish I could take credit for this format, but unfortunately, I shamelessly stole it from an AMAZING Harry Potter fic I read titled “Pure Lunacy” by xylitol (I simply couldn’t resist! It just fit what I was going for so well. Yes, I know, I should be stoned for this. But recycling story formats isn’t considered plagiarism…right?). The rest of the story will not be written like this however.
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G.

Well it’s not like I actually meant to do it.

The first time was purely accidental. Really it was. And the second time was hardly worth mentioning, in fact, I’ve already forgotten the once gory little details. I vaguely remember the third and fourth times…which were simple spurs of the moment, and believe me, I honestly felt miserable after them. I mean, I’m not the kind of guy who sleeps with random men...more than once. I also felt miserable the sixth, seventh, and eighth time. The same can be said for 9-19, even more so, I might add.

Now 20 through 24 … well they were of a slightly different experience. He started to do the most interesting things with his tongue, you see, and he even…

G.

Oh you’ll have to forgive my frankness; I just find it difficult to explain what happened without acknowledging certain details of my ‘trysts’ with him. He’s quite the ravenous jack ass, if you don’t mind my saying so. In fact, that’s how this whole thing got started. As I’m sure you’re aware, that damned git has the sexual appetite of a depraved rabbit on Easter Sunday. It’s frightening, really. And frankly, if you take his reputation into account, you’ll find that I’m merely a victim of circumstance in this whole equation. Honestly, he could have chosen anyone. Granted, they wouldn’t be half as good-looking or regionally talented as I am, but the point still remains.

If you want to the point the finger at someone then you should squarely direct it at him. After all, he was the initiator. He’s the Devil for crying out loud! And unfortunately, he’s much too persuasive for his own damn good.

Now ordinarily I wave off temptation with a steady grin and a flippant flick of the wrist …but honestly Lord, have you seen the man’s ass? I mean sure you’re holy and what not, but you’ve had to have sneaked a peek at some point or another. Even the blind, deaf, and retarded are aware that the git exudes sex. He’s practically seduction personified. I mean, you really can’t blame me for jumping- literally- at an opportunity to hit that. I’m only a man, you know, I do have certain needs. Besides, it had never actually occurred to me that I might be banging Lucifer himself in the middle of a dark alleyway. Believe me, had I known I wouldn’t have done what I did…all 24 times.

G.

Of course I’m telling you the truth! You may have already had first-hand knowledge of this, but Satan sure is one crafty bastard. I mean, there were no clues whatsoever that he was the Prince of Darkness. I was completely oblivious the entire time! Where was the pointed tail, the red horns, or the fiery pitchfork! I didn’t get not one tip-off! Oh sure the throaty maniacal laugh was a clue, but I just figured he caught colds easily.

G.

Yes, I’m aware that we met in the summer time, but summer colds aren’t terribly rare you know. Why just last summer I came down with a miserable one myself. Caused me to miss three days of work. Without pay, might I add. Good looking out on that one, my lordship.

G.

I’m not being snippy! I’m just stating the facts! I thought “honesty was the best policy” around these parts.

G.

Pleasant? You want me to be more pleasant? Tell me God, and let’s just speak bloke to bloke here, if you died while in the middle of having sex with a 48 year old Spanish male prostitute called “Cha Cha”, and then had to wait 7 long hours in the “Heaven or Hell” sorting line only to find out that you may be sent to the fiery pits bellow because 5 years prior to today you had randy sex with Satan in his Korean male form would you be pleasant in the slightest?

G.

Yes, I know you would never have sex with Satan! I was only speaking theoretically. Really, to be the divine Jehovah and all, you aren’t terribly bright. I suppose that’s to be expected though; after all, you were the genius that created man. What a blunder that was, eh? Mother Nature must still be scolding you for that one. I mean homo sapiens? What a terrible idea.

G.

Of course I know I’m a human being myself. Thus the basis of my distress; just look where being human got me! I mean, my childhood basically sucked. I never once got that fire truck that I wanted. Oh don’t get me wrong, I’m not usually a resentful person, but honestly, how hard is it to get your son a bloody fire truck for Christmas! They practically sell them at every toy store. Damn rotten parents. And don’t even get me started on my job! I was basically one pink slip away from joining “Singing Sal” on the street corner. Not to mention my choice in men. I had sex with the Devil, enough said there.

G.

What do you mean that’s not your problem?! You say we have freedom of choice, and all that Bible jargon, but really it’s just a big fat lie. I didn’t get to choose my parents. I didn’t know I would end up with a dead end job. And I certainly didn’t anticipate that I’d have slept with Satan on multiple occasions. You could’ve given me a sign. Or some kind of wake up call.

G.

You call deatha wake up call? Is that supposed to be funny! My sad excuse for a life is now officially over, and I’m probably going to end up in Hell for a sin I wasn’t even aware that I had committed. I knew there was no justice in the world, but you’ll have to forgive me for believing it actually existed in Heaven!

G.

…a deal, what kind of a deal?

G.

Wait, so you’re telling me that if I go back to when I met the Devil and I don’t make the same…er 24 mistakes that I made at that time, I’ll be accepted into heaven?

G.

Well piece of cake! But I have to admit, I’m a little disappointed in your lack of creativity. Honestly, you came up with the concept of sex, and you mean to tell me that you can’t be a little bit more original with this? Pardon my criticism my Lord, but I do believe that you’re losing your edge.

G.

Hey you didn’t say that before! If I don’t have memory of this conversation, or that I’m going to die five years later, how will I even know that I’m having sex with the Devil! I’ll just make the same over again!

G.

What do you mean that’s “my problem”? Where…where is Jesus right now? I think someone needs to inform him of the sheer injustices you are practicing.



Um...hello…hello? Lord, are you there? Hello?

Oh for Christ sakes!

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A/N: Blame the movie Bedazzled (1967) for this one. After watching the film I oddly found myself inspired to write a SuJu fic. I had intended for this to be a oneshot, but I couldn’t help myself. As usual, I have no idea where I’m going with this, but it’s destined to be a rather interesting challenge. And before I forget to ask, does any one have any spiffy titles for this fic? I was thinking about naming it “Sleeping With Sin” or “To Get Into Heaven, Don’t Fuck the Ruler of Hell”…but needless to say, I decided against both of those. So if you have any ideas, I’d love to hear them.

And mounds of carbohydrates to anyone who can guess which SJ boy will be Satan (though I suppose it’s not much of a stab in the dark, now is it?)
Tags: pairing: siwon/unspecified
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