so many times i've pictured you in my dreams, and now i wish you were beside me, holding me when he laughs at me. i wish you would tell everyone im not the bitch he says i am, only because he knows im too scared to retaliate. I wish you would wipe away my tears, and make me laugh. I wish you would make me fall out of love with him. You see, I can't convince my heart to fall out of love, despite the few thosand times he called me a fucking lunatic in front of everybody.( But don't think that if you come, i'll be on the rebound. i won't. It's impossible for me to be on the rebound over an year after breaking up with him..) And I'm powerless to insult him back, because of his secret weapon, the videos. i can't let anyone find out about them, i can't.
My life is pretty shitty now, you see. I don't have a way to meet up with the few friends i do have, im not even sure they like me, and my dad and grandparents think im pretty useless. I don't mean to whine, i just want you to realize why your coming into my life now is so urgent. I'm so lonely, you see.
A million times i've dreamt of laughing with you, of talking about books, movies, life, and just... hanging out. The way we would understand each other like no one else would, and the way your lips would taste, the way your arms would feel as we dance in the rain.... but you see, im tired of dreaming. I'm tired of hoping you'll come only to be dissapointed. I want the real thing, and im desperate about it. I miss you, without even knowing who you are.
I hope you're reading this. I really, really hope it for all i'm worth. Please find me... i need you. Please find me before i lose my faith in love, in you. find me... before it's too late.
i have always thought that it is incredible how i can be in a room full of people and still feel completly alone and stranded.
it's such a cold word...but also peaceful.
Sometimes i perfer to be alone.
After my mom passed away i drifted from relationships. If i ever needed to feel some sort of passion i'd just go to a party, a club, or a rave and makeout with a guy i barley knew... I was afraid of getting to close to someone, and if i sensed we were getting to personal i'd stop talking to them. My last relationship only lasted about 2 months and we ended because he thought we were growing apart. Which was kinda true, i didn't talk to him as much and when we hung out all i wanted to do was watch tv with him [selfsabotage...]. When he broke up with me i wasn't entirely surrised. I was actually kind of glad we didn't get too close and personal. I just didn't want to give away my heart so easily.
But just recently i noticed my friend doing a similar thing. She's go and makeout with a random guy without even knowing his name or age. I saw in her a reflection of myself. That's when i learned it isn't what i wanted. I don't want random flings. I don't want to catch mono. And above all else, i wanna repect myself. Cause how can a guy respect a girl who goes around kissing random guys.
Now i'm not sure what i want. Maybe i should try a relationship again. But then again is it worth a heartbreak?
Alors rencontrerai-je un jour cette personne? Continurai-je encore à rêver de l'impossible? Pourquoi je n'arrête pas de rêver? Pourquoi je garde espoir de l'impossible? Serais-je folle?
My hope is a dream,
My life is a dream,
Nothing is real,
And that's the reason why a part of me has always felt alone.
And just to feel happy,
You say that everything has its own reasons of being ...
* * *
Location: South Carolina
Honestly I've been singled for so long I almost don't know anything else. I grew up a little different from everyone else and that is probably what accounts for me being such a late bloomer. My first kiss was 8/25/2008 from the first girl to ever tell me that she loved me, but that amazing high came with a low. That girl, my first girlfriend, whom I meant in college in 2006 eventually played with me until my credit card was overdrawn and her old fience texted me at 3AM threaten my well being, because she apparently talked him into moving back to our state after she dumped him and played him. There was way more drama then I ever wanted in my first relationship. Now I'm back to single and I couldn't get a date to save my life. After being single for this long you start to get a little self conscience about looks, but I've been told I'm a handsome fella so I'll just pray thats true. As far as love goes I feel like I've made some bad decessions but nothing too terrible. I'm still awaiting my first girlfriend who isn't playing both sides to themselves.
We started out as friends and became best friends. I absolutely loved his company. I could always be myself around him. I felt like I could talk to him about anything at all. I was so fond of him, and believed that I knew him inside out, and could trust him anytime. I knew he could never let me down. But he proved me wrong.
He is now a complete stranger to me. He messed with my head and my heart. He insisted that you were not a player, and he never intended to break my heart. At the same time, he told me that he did love me, but yet he treated me like I never mattered to him. He was always so busy; he had other women in his life, and he was never eager to commit to only me.
Finally we had to let go of each other and move on to different paths. Its been 2 years. Now I'm sitting by myself and wondering why we ended up this way. I don't know who I should blame for all these- him, myself or fate? I don't know how many boys are going to be in my life, who I will end up with or if i am going to die alone. But I do know one thing, I will always love him with all my heart and soul!
I wish I could change that anytime but I can't. Now I'm horribly lonely and scared. Scared cuz I'm not sure if I can love again. Ya there have been a few guys who asked me out ever since but I said no to all of them, mostly cuz they arent well exactly 'date-able'. But what if I find someone who really loves me but in the end I screw up and lose him too. To make it worse I'm even cynical of men.
Right now I'm just so lonely and I cant even share it with my friends cuz I dont wanna look pathetic and also cuz it really didnt help the last time I told them.
Man, life sure is a bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cant have him and at the same time I cant let go of him. I know its pathetic, but cant help it.
Location: Denver, CO
Why are you here?: Long, long story. Started when I was 15 and it just keeps writing itself no matter how hard I try to close the book. Fell in love with a man named Harry when I was 15 -- to make it short, the feelings weren't returned. Six years later, I am still in love with him. I guess I just don't know how to fall out of love. It's forever to me. I keep thinking that I can change myself for him, so I've been trying on costumes for so long I feel like I don't even know who I am. Then a guy came along named Mike who told me I needed to find a new guy to move on with Harry. He took me on vacation with him and I thought maybe I had found somebody who loved me. Not so, he used me and disappeared. (About 1 1/2 years ago he randomly showed back up and kissed me, then disappeared again.) Then I got in a relationship with a guy named Jack. Jack has severe PTSD issues from being a soldier and he's changed so much since I met him that I honestly don't love him anymore, but he told me if I break up with him that he's going to "disappear", possibly even kill himself. So now I'm stuck in a relationship with a man who mostly ignores me, won't hardly kiss or love me, and I still love Harry. fml.
Also, all my old friends from high school are all happily paired off, as I discovered recently. So that's lovely.
Anything else you'd like to add?: My journal's mostly private. This isn't my real journal, it's my "emo" journal specifically for these issues. If I get to know you I can add you to my real one, and if you want to be added to this one just let me know and I'll open some of it up to friends-lock. But I mostly whine a lot, to be honest.