Tags: inside_out

Lady Disdain

In hopes someone will see.

Inside Out

Oh, if I could be you.
You with your nonchalant
t-shirt and jeans, attracting
bees by your color;
your perfume no other
than that which is sold in
stores.
Your skin the shade of
snow bells, lips the pink
in sunset, another bombshell
coquette to make me feel
desperately inadequate.
If I could move as gracefully
as if dancing without suffering
fully the pain of fashion,
the glass shards of passion
stuck between my toes.
God knows that if I could
sell my soul to buy yours
in the market place, to be
adored as you, I would
yet I will not rip myself
inside out to be as beautiful.
Eeyore

Inside Out

There are days when little one is scared and hurt, recalling pain of days gone by. She wants to hide her face from the world, keep herself safe inside where no one can see or hear, where no one can hurt her again. She doesn't want to let people in because people can do bad things - they can yell and scream and insult and abandon and blame and manipulate and lie and cheat and do all sorts of stuff that makes little one's heart ache with pain and grief. Her head hurts from holding it in and she wants to cry but can't seem to let out the tears. She's had too many days like that, and the very idea of letting people in is terrifying.

Occasionally, little one peeks out and interacts with the wide world around her, but she is always careful. She doesn't want anyone to see her or hear her. She doesn't want to be noticed. If people know she is there, they might stop loving her, they might stop liking her. She knows she wants more, but she's scared to step out and say, "Here I am, world! I am marvellous! Love me, cherish me, nurture me! I am your child! Care for me and protect me, for I am divinely made, perfect in every way!"

In fact, she doesn't really believe any of that to be true. She thinks herself dirty and soiled and is grateful for any scrap of attention, however slight and fleeting, that she may receive, even when the circumstances are a lie. She knows herself to be unworthy of more, believes she ought to have less, and hates herself for her own misery. If only she could be better - more productive, nicer, more studious, more religious, more political, more, more, more...but she isn't and no matter what she does it's never enough.

She begins to find more like herself, and reaches out to them, wanting to be loved and cherished the way they love and cherish each other. Slowly she unravels the walls, bit by bit, piece by piece, to create a window to her soul. She doesn't remove the walls, but she thins them out. She has hope for the first time that she might find acceptance for who she is.

BAM!

A moment of pure despair, poured out to the group.

Rejection. They spurn her entirely, refusing her any contact whatsoever.

The window to the soul becomes a gaping wound and she determines never to open up again. If those who are like her can't even find it in them to love her, it is clear that no one ever will. She will have to content herself with superficial friendships and give up on the hope of ever having more.

Time goes by. Friendships end, others form. Seasons change and the world marches on. She learns to be content for the most part, but is never fully happy. She knows what she is doing is unhealthy, but she can't stop herself from digging deeper and deeper into her hole. She picks up bad habits and cares less and less that they are killing her one step at a time.

Then, miracle of miracles, someone finds the crack in her shell and burrows in. She's surprised, scared, unsure. What will happen? She doesn't know what to do. She takes a chance and makes a leap of faith, certain all the time that she's making the biggest mistake of her life. She lands in supportive arms, loving arms, arms that embrace and cherish.

They are not arms that can fill every void, but they are arms that provide hope. Perhaps these arms, too, will fade in time. Perhaps they will go the way of the other arms, the other people who've shown her love only to turn and leave her bleeding, alone, and broken. But perhaps, just perhaps, these arms can nudge her in a better direction, point her towards other arms that can carry the burden of supporting the broken little one who yearns for their guidance, support, and their love.