He’s informing me that it’s not a good idea for me to sleep over this weekend because he doesn’t want to disrespect his parents. He’s so smart.
I miss fucking him; it’s been since the day after Christmas. I don’t care if his parents think me a sexaholic.
A part of me wonders if he’s saying this because he’s trying to hide something else. I know the fact that he’s not working is frustrating, so maybe he just wants to spend time by himself so he isn’t tempted to spend money. He’s going to a job fair tomorrow though. That is so smart of him.
I want to be the supportive girlfriend, but I have needs too. Masturbation can only get you so far.
He can shower me with as many gifts as he wants, but it doesn’t mean anything if I can’t feel his love.
Heh, I’m probably being stupid now and not then, which will probably be then when I finally post this. Grrr to semantics!
I know it’s not the end of the world if I can’t sex him up, I know that. I just wonder if I should see friends who I haven’t seen in awhile. Not because they’re second-best, but because it’s been awhile since I last saw them.
I need to relax. And, I should call him just so I can feel better. And know that I wasn’t stupid now.
Or just then.
i was stupid then.
ian--first, second, third, fourth time.
mike number one--the first time.
ian--fifth, sixth, seventh time.
david. five years out of line.
alex. never happened.
luke. too young, too fast, too serious.
dylan--the first time. in my head.
mike number two. blind date.
dylan--the second time. in my head, again.
cut ties and create new mistakes.
I was Stupid Then
I was stupid then; when I thought sixteen meant forever, when life couldn't get any better than long distance phone calls that last until sunrise, and sultry summer afternoons leaping from ropeswings. Dreams were made from melting ice cream and strolling along the shore. Sadness meant having to come inside on account of the mosquitoes. Competition was defined by how many raspberries you could pick by the time the CD ended. Last minute movies and late night dips in the lake... these composed elements of heaven.
I didn't know that betrayal was deep in the works of my friends' mind. It was not planned into my schedule for the Grim Reaper to take stabs at my sister before finally pulling her plug. I wasn't prepared for the heartache that accompanied losing your best friend, thus the loss of the only one who ever understood. I didn't understand that moving would actually do something to me.
I was stupid then- when I knew, and I didn't do anything.
i was stupid then.
sitting on the floor against the wall--
you playing guitar with the band.
by this time you had left me,
but i was still holding on tight.
all of fourteen years old
thinking i knew something
only to later find out it was
my imagination playing
tricks on me.
"I was stupid then"
The times I laughed
The songs I sang
The tears I cried
The things I changed
I was really stupid then.
Without a doubt
The things that made my body shake,
The feelings that made me spill my secrets
from my lips like water spills from the sea,
I was really, really stupid then.
I may be smarter now,
but with all the intelligence I've gained,
I wouldn't give it back,
for all that things I've seen.
i was stupid then.
my galaxies were built
with fruit slices cut into star shapes,
smelling sweet like pineapple
and the summer's ripest peach;
tucking their heads beneath
a gently folded wing;
spider webs that gleamed
like pieces of a backlit moon.
i was stupid then,
when gravity's strings
like golden harps
of boys who knew nothing of
the kerosene-blue supernovas
exploding in my chest each time their
brown eyes melted like chocolate pudding into mine,
cooling into the black that stained
my aching fingertips
with charcoal and ash.
I was stupid then, at age seven, when I knew I could do anything. I was going to be a doctor, a movie star, a lawyer. Sometimes I was a mermaid, in my bluegreen ocean, or a faerie in my cloudy blue sky. Then the time came when I realized that these were just fantasies, and Santa wasn't real anymore. Growing up, I realized that I was foolish to believe I could be anything I wanted. The facade I had heard all my life really wasn't real. I realized the world is indeed mine for the taking, but I don't have the power to take it at all. I realized I was stupid then...or was I?
I was stupid then, when I thought you'd always be here to hold my hand. I painted up a pretty picture of the way I wanted you to be, and all the lies I told myself became my happy reality. I lived for you, and sacrificed myself for the made-up you. I always thought you'd return the favor, but I was terribly let down and then the end came. I realized you had tied me down and beat me with your harsh words and controlling tendencies, and I am stupid no longer. I refuse to be stupid again.
I was stupid then, when I believed I could conquer the world. Young and inexperienced minds are prone to wild daydreams. I thought the world existed at my fingertips and I could be anything, do anything my little imagination could conjure. I was blind to my own faults.
I was stupid then, when I met you. You were this new, unexplored world, and I wanted to become your sole inhabitant. I thought I could make it work. But I was blind to the distances.
I was stupid then, holding your hand as we walked down the road that was painted by the dried leaves. My hands were so small, too small to grasp that which lay out of reach. You were so far away, and yet I had you right beside me. The steel walls you spent so much time laboring on stood between us, and I believed I could break them down. I was blind to my weakness.
I was stupid then, thinking I could know you. I didn't see that you wouldn't let me in. Didn't see you covering up the holes in the walls, whispering truths into the darkness. I was deaf to you.
I was stupid then, stupid and caught up in a fantasy world that lacked the bridge to reality.
I'm not so stupid anymore, for I'm now building that bridge and letting the truth cross over. I'm opening my eyes and facing a new sunrise - one in which you are no longer my silhouette.