Her moods are like a rollercoaster. Only it's worse because she can't see the track ahead. The dips and dives come up out of nowhere. They scare her. And sometimes a great big hill will come, and her mood will soar. But it's not like she can enjoy it, because half of her is still back down at the bottom of that hill. Then, before the effects of that bottom can wear off, before she can enjoy the heights she's at, she's back down again.

Stupid rollercoaster.

  • amri

Cry Aloud

My heart beats faster.
My eyes blink slowly.
Voices get louder.
Lights get brighter.
Peer Pressure increases.
I am in denial.

Deadlines advance quicker.
Resources dwindle.
My hands shake.
My attention wanders.
I fold into the shadows.

My heart stops.
I fear.
I cry aloud “Stop!”
And the panic melts away.

my entry-cry aloud-theme

bad days happen like sad songs played on the radio
reminding you sometimes life has a way of being trite
there is nothing trite about this
just take me outside to the sky we prevail and make me happy
after a night of violent sleep with the watchful Azriel
not one to mince words, I'm here to do the devil's work
and don't depend on others
because we're all just one heartbeat away from a hospital visit
we'll never see
she was just an autumn fling that somehow dragged out to
eight years of best friends forever
instant the words are said, it's over
and all that's left is an incomplete set of memories
the cost of war, she was too frail for this world
you can't infect my mind, I'm too frail to let you in
I'm taking the long ride home
please don't tell me everything is wonderful now

"I was the crazy one" and "Cry aloud"

I was the crazy one

Sorry this is late...I've been sick all week >_<

Whirling twirling spinning 'round
Candy-coated smiles
Dangling, hanging upside-down
Slay them in the aisles
Kill them one and kill them all
Love them hate them fear them all
Hating self for what one is
Cannot flee your mind's true self
Cannot change it, bend or bow
Wistful hoping dreaming slut
Hanging back and keeping mum
Knowing feeling all-aware
Fully well perceiving
Can't fit in
Won't fit in
Want to fit in
Want to stand out
Bursting up and bursting out
Of that
Cotton-candy coccoon

Cry aloud

I'm sitting there, sweating, aching. My head is pounding and I feel dizzy, light-headed. Occasionally a wracking cough shakes my body. People glance at me, move away. They fear the germs I'm spreading. My eyes meet theirs and slide away. I am ashamed for wanting company, ashamed for not hiding away in my cave of a bedroom where I feel suicidal and unhappy. I ought to leave, protect these people from the plague I carry with me.

And yet I don't.

My heart pounds in time with my headache. There is a pain behind my eyes, telling me my body wants sleep, and a pain in my stomach, saying, "feed me" while my stomach clenches up at every smell and utters a small postscript, saying, "but not that."

I ache for company, companionship. I long for someone to rub my back, stroke my head, tell me it's alright and comfort me in my misery. I wish someone would give me a hug. I wish my mother were here to tuck me into bed and bring me hot soup and sing me lullabies as I drift off to sleep.

Instead, this will have to do. This empty hole where no one acknowledges my presence. This island in the crowds.

The strain behind my eyes is worse. The tears fight to rise to the surface.

I fight them back. It's no use. I refuse to give in to self-pity.

This clearly isn't helping. I rise, giving in to the crowds, and head out the door. I suppose I'll head home. Perhaps I'll find something there to help the pain. Perhaps I'll find something to numb the aches, soothe the spirits. Perhaps I'll find rest and comfort.

Finally, acknowledgment of my existence. "Thank you! Come again!"
Miss Smoking

I was the crazy one.

Not Crazy

The palm of my hand
took the brunt of my anger,
fist into soft skin on
sunny days.
Moonlit rides on the side
of a car, I screamed for a
joy not now remembered;
I was eight.
Recent transgressions
brought me to ask others
to catch my fall, my wrist
as I leaned over railings,
out windows.
No one ever answers,
they know that it
is not a cry for help.

I was the crazy one

I was the crazy one
I was the lucky one
I was the tamer of stars
I was the mustang of moonrockets

You were the complacent one
You were the practical one
You were entrenched in the deep soil of each step
You were overcome by every sunrise

We were the happiest one
We were the transient one
We were the wishers in flaxen garments
We were the sunlight caught on a dropt penny

Now I am the crazy one
And you are the complacent one
But we are the lonesome two
We are the glance over a left shoulder


first post. any thoughts appreciated