dear laurel and red,
so what are these big decisions i keep talking about? well, ive been thinking about what im going to do after high school and where i want to go... orginally i thought, i would go back to tucson... then i came out there for the summer, and you two gave me no choice. it became a must and not a want.
however, i have been thinking more into since ive been back, and what i need to accomplish, and what goals i need to set.. and ive noticed im slacking, yet again. today in class i sat through my entire history period and stared at the wall. if im going to graduate in december (which in my head, is.. yes, of course, becuz i refuse not too) then i need to seriously work my ass off becuz i didnt do anything last year to help me get all that far ahead.. and dropping out of skool when i was living with andrew set me back.
i mean, there is a chance i might not graduate in december.. but maybe a little while after.. theres a graduation everymonth at my skool (i'll explain it later) but see.. i dont want that, i NEED to get out of skool by december or i will not be self-satisfied.
now, to make sure i remember at all times that i need to work every second i have.. i started making out a list of things i need to complete and by when. after doing this, i realized... i dont exactly have all the time in the world, 3 and 1/2 months, AT MOST. and in this 3 and 1/2 months, i need to save ALOT of money, accquire the things i feel i need have when i am on my own, and learn as much as i can about what interest i have so i know what kind of educational plans i should look into afterwards.
what does this mean? im going to need a job.. a highly paid job.. which is har to find. especially when i realize... if i leave in december, i'll only be keeping this job for 3 months, and the kind of money i need, cannot possibly be earned in 3 months, by someone my age, unless you're brittney spears. so i have no idea how im gonna solve that one..
NOW, while all of that may not seem like too much of problem, it is... but its not really the part concerning me the most..
im a social person, you guys know that. i was in love with david.. you also know that. i used to live here when i was 13, and i made a friend... her name is lindsey.. and up until i met you guys, i really had no one else i would give my heart too. over the summer, david and i.. had.. some.. difficulties? and now im not sure what is going on with us, if anything at all... becuz while i think its over for good, we never actually did talk, and the last actual statement david ever made to me, was the one in my guestbook :
i think you know me better than anyone in the world. i will always care for you and always be there for you. my life is pretty fucked up right now too. i dont understand why things in the last 2 years have happened to me but i know that i cant do anything about it. as much as i try to change things, i dont have the power to. although, i wish i did. you might not think so, but i care about you deeply, more than anybody. your one of two left that i would give my heart to. i think im going to stop talking, and try to find out how my life is going to work or not for that matter. "you just dont understand, how it feels to be me, i love you deeper now, in love with you so true"...we need to talk...
date: 6:03 am - Tuesday,July 9, 2002 *
so last year, all i had on my mind, was david & lindsey.
but tlaking to lindsey now.. is hard, becuz i dont know how to tell her.. im not going to college here... i mean, shes talking like shes going to live the rest of her life here.. and im like.. what? why would you ever want to do that? ive known her for so long, and while coming back to you guys will make me the happiest becuz you actually make me feel better than she does.. its still hard. ive just known her for so long, and she really is the last one of my "first friends". i cant imagine her not being in my life.. i just.. i dont know how to leave her.. and that gets me to thinking about tucson.. and what im coming back too.. and that makes me feel like i shouldnt leave at all.. even more.
i love you two, so much i shouldnt even have to say it. but the issues, and emotional ties that im trying to forget about.. will only get worse becuz i'd be coming back to them. this thing with david, is extremely hard for me... i honestly, with all my heart, feel, there is no other person that was ever ment for me and i cant stop thinking about it. i'll get crushes on other people.. sure.. but the first thing that always comes to mind is "well, they're great and super, and just.. wow,.... but they still arent david, or anywhere as perfect as david was". and this really wouldnt be as hard if i were at least coming back to having the same friends, but no, i dont even have that. not only will i probably never speak to david again, but the with the dan issue and how he totally barely spoke to me this summer means, im not even coming back to at least having him, or jake (even if jakes a jerk) as friends.
and my mom also wants to move, so when i come back, i'd be completely on my own, with prorbably no income cuz of my shitty job history, no real way of paying for college unless my dad does, and no one to be around, except for you two, and only you. so my sole reason for being there at all.. would be you guys.
+ red and laurel
+ id be home, in tucson, where i belong
- my best friend of (now) 5 years
- possibly income, and housing
im sure theres more than that but my mind totally just went blank.
so what do i plan to do about all of this?
ummm.. WELL, all i could think of as a solid for sure plan at the time being, was when december rolls around, and i finish skool... maybe i can come back out to tucson to visit, and actually see, what im coming back too, and if its worth leaving a life behind... so when i come, you guys are going to have to totally wow me, and give me every possible reason to stay.. other than that.. i dont know how i'll be able to decide..
(and laurel, i msut say tho, you'll have to thank stever for me, becuz he made me feel sooo loved by saying he missed me sooo much.. i honestly most of the time dont think anyone cares at all... and i dont think he knows how much that ment to me.. especially since hes.. "one of the bois")