Am I mad to think these things,
To feel the way I feel?
To believe in ghosts and angels
When "reality's" surreal?
The world's interconnected.
Anyone can see;
And I'm here at the centre -
The fat controller - me.
Coincidences don't exist.
The planet's pre-arranged.
Smoke some dope and clench my fist -
It's the others what's deranged.
The T.V.'s telepathic.
The postman's K.G.B.
The radio's empathic.
There's arsenic in my tea.
The junk-mails full of messages.
Mossad's been in touch?
There's anthrax in my sausages
Life really is too much!
The gas-man's come from M.I.5.
His eyes electric blue.
What to do to stay alive?
There's cameras in the loo.
I must out on a mission -
The world, my soul, to save.
No manic intermission.
I'm bold! I'm free! I'm brave!
The sky above is orange;
The street below is black.
The life I live is free-range;
But there's a devil on my back.
Smash a window! Break the spell!
Get the "Busies" swarming.
Crazy antics in a cell.
Sectioned early morning.
Movements now staccato.
Worst of all humiliated.
Just what the fuck then are you?
You're no Satan! You're no Christ!
You're just another number.
"You're brains, my dear, they must be sliced!"
Do they come much dumber?
You? Commander of the Gods?
What a crazy notion.
You've lost your clothes, you stupid sod!
And caused a great commotion!
We're all mistaken so they say
At some time or another.
Just one more long schizoid day -
Blame it on my mother!
that was a poem about schizophrenia, which i may have, i have many symptoms these days.
im manic alot but depressed alot, so i have mixed episodes.
i also hear voices and see things.
i have a imaginary friend called william.
am not really that sane am i...
im 21. i live in the uk, I HATE IT HERE.
i am on alot of medication.
right now id say im... manic with a small side order of depressed.
oh and bored, i hate being bored.
I had some odd thoughts yesterday.
I was looking at the scars on my arm, made when in a seriously violent manic episode.
Normally if I try to cut myself, the pain stops me.
In that episode, the pain meant nothing, though I didn't consciously want to die either; my brain was making me do it.
It was a compulsion.
But as I looked at the scars yesterday I thought that it would be nice to be able to do it again without fear of pain.
I don't know why I thought it - I don't ever want to get that manic or violent again. And yet, I wanted to cut yesterday, I wanted to be able to do it without worrying about pain or anything like that.
It was depression-led. I wanted to cut because I was depressed, and I wanted some of the control that self harming gives.
But to want that mania back, where I could easily kill myself or someone else without even realising it. That is stupid.
I can't understand why I'd want that.
I have two major problems with my Bipolar.
1) I organise stuff but don't end up doing it.
This is really affecting my studies. I've set out a really cool schedule timetabley thing for myself, with my lectures and the time around them split up into tasks to do for my studies.
And... I'm ignoring it.
I'm just kind of doing bits here and there, and not very much.
I've not studied half as much as I should have done, and although I know I can get through the material we're doing at the moment without a problem, when it gets to tougher stuff, I'm going to have major issues if I can't sort this out.
I think part of it is mania - I get manic and do the organisey stuff, then I try to study and I just can't concentrate on one thing at once. You know what it's like!
Though trying to study through depression is impossible as well!
So... how have people here overcome that?
I'm hoping to see my pdoc soon and to get an increase in my meds as it's not controlling the mania fully, and my depression is terrible.
That might help!
2) Odd manic obsessions about little theories on stuff.
I've always done this!
When I was 14 I read A Brief History of Time for about the 5th time, and suddenly got this mad theory into my head that was obviously right, and with the manic delusions of grandeur, I thought I was a genius and no one else had spotted it!
I spent most of my time doing work on this theory and didn't even bother with my school studies at all. Fortuntely I aced my GCSEs without needing to revise or look at a text book, so it was ok.
But I'm at Uni now, I can't afford to be running off on some mad theory when I should be concentrating on my real studies.
And... I can feel that starting to happen.
I've been thinking about Fermat's Last Theorum a LOT recently. Not totally obsessing yet, but if I give in and pull out my book on it, or look it up, it will spiral into that.
Does anyone else get these awful obsessions? If so, how do you counter them, or cope with not working on them and working on 'mundane' stuff?
I'm really hoping my pdoc appt will come through soon and I can talk to him about all of this and hopefully get it all sorted out some more. The medicine is helping, but not controlling things that much, it's just taking the dangerous edge off the mania.
But, coping strategies for these problems would be really helpful!
i keep having this dream, repeatedly, but when i wake up my forearms ache, and the only way to stop the aching is an urge to cut.
i've not yet. but i'm close.
I am new to this comunity. I suffer from severe panic disorder and depersonalization disorder. I also suffer from major depression.
I'm almost home bound unless I have someone with me to go places. I'm severely depressed but act happy so others cannot tell my pain. But it's really getting to me. I want so much to be independent and do my own thing but can't. I'm on 30 mgs of Cymbalta and 15 of abilify. The anxiety controls me. I hate so much to say that but it's really the truth. I also believe I have alot of borderline tendencies. I have a hard time keeping healthy intimate relationships. I've been very permiscuous (sp?) in the past. I' m prone to cutting and self mutilation. I have a hard time figuring out who I really am. I have a really horrific self image. i have a horrible sensetivity to light and it brings on some of the worst anxiety attacks I've ever had. I always try and be someone I'm not. I have no really idea at all of who I really am. I"m constantly scared out of my mind. Scared that I really don't exist and that the world around me isn't really there or real. I know all this sounds crazy. Probably because it is. At least to me. I know I need help but no insurance or money to do so and honestly I don't know if I have the motivation to do anything about it. I feel so pathetic. I don't know what to do anymore. I have no motivaton at all. I'm scared. ...well guess that's enough for now. I just really need a friend or someone to talk to. I don't have any instant messengers because my computer sucks. I have no socail life. I feel so alone. ....
Moving comment of the day: “I don’t want to see you coming in here shaking like a coke head anymore. You’ve come too far to go backwards. If you plan on taking any more steps back start preparing for what you’ve already accomplished this year because you’ll have to do it all over again if you keep that up.”
Many more bad days than good it seems like. The ironic part is that I can feel that Josh is right. Or is that the "cooperative patient instinct syndrome?" Before I was diagnosed the radio and TV newscasters spoke directly to me about worldly affairs and I knew it was up to me to change the world. I remember how it felt like; the newscasters gave me a list of all the worlds problems and pointed their fingers to me, its up to you TJ. It hadn’t happened since my diagnosis but now that I’m being taken off all medications and the fact that there is a huge TV in the hospital in their lobby area, all my worldly responsibilities came rushing back and it was like they never left me, I just chose to ignore the fact that it was always up to me to fix the world. All the time I’ve spent ignoring this makes the weight so great. I feel like I’ve been ignoring my purpose in life. And all the time I ignored this purpose I felt like such a purposeless person. There was nothing for me to live for but now I have endless responsibilities and a list of what I must accomplish. Its fucking with me because I can’t tell what is real and what is in my head. I hate how if I admit to Josh whats up he sends me up for another overnight stay at the hospital. Anytime there is something "not normal". But whos to say this isnt even true. Why cant a live a life in which my purpose is to change the world. If I dont my life will suck because the world sucks. I was so damn paranoid this morning and now I’m feeling kind of laid back. Since last night, any radio, TV, fuck even when the phone rings (or doesn’t ring and I hear it ringing) some supernatural force is giving me a damned message and if I don’t do what He says then I will die. Its not like I hear it, I just know it.