Gifts for Adopt-A-Friend are due November 30, so I'm probably going to buy all of them myself over break, and then take donations at the General Staff Meetings until the end of the semester to defray the cost (and if we gather up more money than I spend we can decide to donate it to some other charity, or buy food for the local food pantry or something)
Our current grand total in donations is.... (drumroll)...
Donated by our very own Tom Kapaski.
shooting the breeze.
Billy-Bob asked Bubba, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you
wuz out fishin an' fucked your wife, an' she got pregnant,
would dat make us kin?"
Bubba scratched his head for a bit then said, "I don't think
so.....but it shore would make us even."
According to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal
man was not fully erect. That's pretty easy to understand
considering how ugly Neanderthal woman was.
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man: "That works for me, as long as you are still a little
warm when I shove it up your ass."
After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old
slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As
she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her
patience grew thin.
At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their
room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left
the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling
voice, "Who was that?"
Buzzing the honey hole
Bailing out the Gravy Boat
Bouncing the bearded clam
Buffing the box
Buffing the jewel
Buttering up the whisker biscuit
Clam twiddlin' jamboree
Damming the beaver
Dialing "O" on the little pink telephone
Diddling miss daisy
Diggin' for clams
Fingering the fountain
Flicking the minnow
Friday night lip service
Frosting the muffin of love
Giving yourself the finger
Going for the gooey duct
Juicing the clam
Let your fingers do the walking
Petting the kitty
Playing the squeezebox
Pokin' the pie
Polishing the little pink pearl
Pumping the kooter
Punchin' the chipmunk
Reading in Braille
Riding the clitoris-sauras
Romancing thy own
Roughing up the suspect
Self-guided tuna boat tour
Smacking Jerry Garcia on the nose
Stroking the newt
Ticklin' the taco
Twirling the pearl
Unbuttoning the fur coat
Warming the wrist rocket
Ripped from Metal Demon's MySpace bulletin:
What if the world were 100 people? (repost)
There would be:
14 from North and South America
52 would be female
48 would be male
70 would be nonwhite, 30 white
59% of the entire world's wealth would belong to only 6 people
and all 6 would be citizens of the United States
80 would live in substandard housing
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
1 would be near death
1 would be near birth
Only 1 would have a college education
99 of them will not see this message,
because only 1 would have a computer.
Really puts things in perspective, huh?
And a couple jokes:
Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's
court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beau-
tiful Queen's voluptuous breasts. But he knew the penalty
for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague,
Horatio, who was the King's chief physician. Horatio said,
"I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay
bribes." Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.
The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching powder and
poured a little of it into the Queen's brassiere while she
was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed, the itching
commenced and grew in intensity. Upon being called to the
royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only a special
saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of
itch, and that tests had shown such a saliva was only to be
found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth.
King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master. Michael the
Dragon Master slipped the antidote lotion into his mouth and
for the next four hours worked passionately on the Queen's
Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio
demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied,
he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away,
knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same
itching powder onto King Arthur's loincloth. King Arthur
summoned Michael the Dragon Master...
The moral of the story? Pay your bills.
A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy
secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon
became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two
went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.
Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up
for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.
He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came
bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly
fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate
animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey,
look what the dog did to my neck!"
"Hell," she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what
he did to my tits!"
I ran across these, and needed to share them:
She was so nasty she was trying on underwear at a yard sale.
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how
long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says and hangs up.
Q: Why was the two-piece bikini invented?
A: To separate the meat section from the dairy section.
Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade
Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery
Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "That's nothing. I can
remember going to the senior prom with my dad, and coming home
with my mom."