So I have lost about 20 pounds on WW and have 10 more to go. But I lost those 20 pounds back in 2006, and over the past few years I have been so, SO lazy about getting down to my goal. I keep climbing back on the wagon, but over and over again I keep falling off, and teeter-tottering between this five-pound range that I feel like I am never going to fight my way out of.
I'm getting married in April 2011, but I really wish it was close to my wedding right now. Why, you ask? Because I'd be at my goal weight, I'd be fit, and I'd be toned. I have no doubt in my mind that it's going to happen when my wedding gets closer.
Which sucks, because I'm supposed to be doing this for me and my health, NOT to fit into a size 4. And to be honest, I am not even overweight - I am 5'4", small body frame, and between 130 and 135 pounds. Not overweight, but I do not feel comfortable with myself yet and I know I can burn off 10 more pounds. I KNOW it. When I follow WW and work out and am honest with myself, the weight comes right off. But then I get down to 128-129, and something disappears in my motivation, so I go right back up the next week. Every.single.time. Not because my body can't lose anymore, not because I'm genuinely happy at this weight, but because I simply stop trying - stop going to the gym, start eating whatever I want, stop counting, etc. There is a definitive reason to the teeter-tottering, and it is because I stop trying. When I have a great, OP week, I can drop two pounds, easy. If I hit 135, that mindset kicks right back in and I can get down to 130 in two weeks. So why the hell can't I think of 120 the way I think of 130?
But I am NOT ready to give up...I just don't feel like being super diligent right now since I'm not fat. :[ And I hate that. I hate that I feel lazy, but that's just it - I'm lazy, and I admit it. It's not that I'm incapable of working out, or eating right/counting points, or staying away from food that's bad for me. I am just lazy about it and I have absolutely no idea how to work for what I want without being under the pressure of something like my wedding.
But to be honest, I couldn't even lose the 10 pounds I wanted to for my cruise last year, and I had five months to do that! So who knows if I'll even be able to for my wedding. Especially since I am surrounded by people who raise their eyebrows at me when I try to eat healthy or wonder WHY ARE YOU DIETING!? when I don't want a freaking piece of cake.
I'm just not in a good place right now and I feel very defeated. I keep sabotaging myself and I really don't understand what it's going to take for me to put aside what I want right now for what I know I REALLY want in the long run.
When I was 150 pounds, something clicked, and I got down to this 130-135 range...but then I just stopped caring. When I was 150, I felt uncomfortable even in jeans and t-shirts. Now I don't. I can wear tank tops and tight jeans and feel great in them.
However, I cannot do the same with shorts, bathing suits, cute lingerie, etc. and I want whatever clicked in me at 150 to click in me now I can can just lose these last 10-15 pounds and do what I'm doing now - maintaining, more or less - at 120 instead of 130. I just don't understand how to walk the walk. Because I've mastered talking the talk, that's for sure (weight-loss challenges, anyone?). I have "started over" so many times, and I don't want to ever have to "start over" again.
Where are you, click? :[
I am sorry for venting but I just needed to today. Is anyone else so close to goal and just can't get that last bit of weight off? Or has anyone experienced this in the past? I could really use some advice that doesn't consist of an undertone of "WTF, you aren't fat, why do you care?" because I know if my mindset was in the right place, I would be able to jog more than three minutes at a time and would be feeling a whole lot healthier. It isn't always about the number, and I am hoping some of you can relate and offer some good words of wisdom. <3