Smo (smobear) wrote in _weightwatchers,

Halp?! Motivation is out the door...

As is common this time of year, my motivation has fled.

However, the problem is a little awkward.

Over the past week, I baked four different cookie recipes for my family (and though it's probably clear, NONE of them were exactly WW-friendly), ate fast food and other not-healthy food a few times, nibbled on candy here and there, and pretty much gave up counting Points for the week. I only went to the gym once (and zero times the week before that!). For the past week, I basically was not on plan. I had told myself beforehand that I knew I would not be able to keep myself on track and though I wasn't calling it quits or falling face-first off the wagon, I just stopped caring.

The issue? I weighed in as usual on Monday because I figured if I'm going to slack off, then I want to hold myself accountable and have proof that recklessness does horrible things to the numbers. Imagine my surprise when I was DOWN 1.6 pounds! WTF!?

I have no idea how this happened. I drank for the most part NO water all week. I ate whenever I felt like it. The only thing I can think of that helped (and was kinda a smack in the face) was that I was really busy this past week and actually FORGOT to eat quite a few times. Over the 3 days of Thursday-Saturday, I had a total of 3 meals. That's it, plus cookies/candy here and there. I was so busy wrapping gifts and shopping and cleaning in preparation for my family's arrival that I didn't eat, but the weird part is that hunger never registered. Yeah, I got the tummy grumblies a few times but that is when the 3 meals came in. I grabbed a cookie here and there because unfortunately, I'm a good baker and my cookies were quite tasty.

I know exactly where I went wrong and why I have to get back on track, and I fully intend to, but seeing a loss after a week of crappy eating is really zapping my drive to do better. For some reason, I feel like if I can just repeat this past week over and over again, I'll keep losing and I'll never have to give up cookies and fast food and random other crap. I KNOW that's not right. But I don't know how to get out of that mindset right now.

Confounding this issue are 2 things: 

1) My boss (not my direct supervisor but the head of the office I work in) is kind of a fitness freak and has been all over me about my journey for months now. Yesterday he lectured me for 20 minutes on how I need to step up my game and how what I've been doing sounds like a load of BS and he even threw in the "You have a pretty face, but your body needs a lot of work". Youch. I was torn between wanting to cry and punch him. He's a very no-bull kind of guy and anytime I said something in my own defense, he countered, even when I thought I was saying something good. Like, for example, I told him that while part of my motivation has been wanting to look good for my best friend's wedding in April (for which I am the maid of honor), 99% of my motivation is that I don't want to die of a heart attack by the time I'm 35, and I want to ward off diabetes, etc., to which he disagreed and said "No, vanity is always the concern. You have to want to LOOK good." I pretty much just gave up and excused myself to get back to work. 

I'm the kind of person where I HAVE to be doing this because I want to do it, not because I'm being pressured to. Being pressured like this from my boss (or anyone else, for that matter) makes me bitter and angry and stubborn and I rebel against the pressurer, which ends up just rebelling against myself. It's why for the most part, I haven't been sharing my journey with WW with anyone except my closest friends -- the only reason my boss knows about it is because he overheard me telling my supervisor that I got a gym membership about 6 months ago. When people start getting invested in my progress, they start inserting their own "advice". Problem is, I know what works for me, and that's WW. I pay WW to use their plan and work their system. I use WW because the tools I have gained from it and the ability to eat whatever I want in moderation are exactly what I need. For this reason, I also declined when my good friend Amanda (who is also my WW and gym buddy) decided that she wanted a personal trainer at the gym (it took enough to get me to join the gym alone!) -- I can't deal with people telling me how they think I should do this. I know what works for me and I know HOW to do this -- my issues thus far lie solely in my willpower in doing it. Every single time I have seen a gain or no change on the scale, I know exactly what I did wrong.

2) January 2nd will mark ONE WHOLE YEAR on plan. While I am ridiculously proud of myself for sticking it out this long (none of my other attempts at WW have lasted half as long), I'm disappointed with my progress -- as of today, I'm only down 15 pounds from my starting weight, when my goal was 52lbs. I kinda plateaued around the time I joined the gym, for some reason, and I don't know why. I can kinda tell a difference in clothes and such, but I can't help but feel like a failure. This, too, is harming my motivation to continue into my second year, despite knowing that I have no choice but to lose this weight.
HALP -- I know that most of this is a battle I'm going to have to win with myself, but I'd love to hear any advice you have to offer or even just words of encouragement since we're all fighting the same fight and many of you have probably experienced the same thing.
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