December 30th, 2004

***WANTED*** some one who i can report to for moral support some one who is loosing or has lost

Im here alone in my room. My mom dad and sister are seeing meet the fockers at this dinner theater in my town. I pretend like I am not going because I dont want to over eat and "feel bad" about my self. This is a lie. The second they leave i head to taco bell, i order 3 soft tacos, i large wild cherry pepsi and a kids meal chicken plank with fries. Effortlessly i eat it all. I feel HORRIBLE!!!! I cry breifly and then jump on live journal. This has been the story of my life ever since i got a car. Before i was on my own, i more problems then i knew anyone could ever have. Here is the revised version. I would like to blame my mother In school i would say that i had to go to the bathroom (the bathrooms were in the portibles) while i thought no one was looking i would kick a random lunch box the the stall and pick out the snacks. This was not just an obsession i was sooo hungry. Growing up i was not poor my family did well any my mom always fed up breakfast, packed all the kids lunches including always a sandwhich, fruit, sweets, and a drink. On the other hand i used to get SO hungry during the day. I did this for one entire year and gained a whopping 20 pounds that year. When my mom questioned the docter he said it was just me growing... well i never stopped growing... in fourth grade i was 4ft10 and weighed about 100-120lbs and now at 18 years of age i Jessica Mueller weigh 289.4 pounds. I have tried every diet since 7th grade when i learned what a diet was. I have never successfully lost any weight although in 7th grade while on slim fast my cloth began to fall off but that lasted all of 2 months and never happend again. I cant belive im typing these words i have never told nore wrote down the horrible things i have done to get food the candy i used to steel from a fundraising thing in fith grade. How i ate 32 pudding cups in less than 3 days how i would every day trade my ham and cheese on wheat sandwhich for my best friends school pizza. I have never told anyone how my own brother has tormented me to the point of near suicide about my weight and although i would never nore have i ever threatended to kill myself because im too wimpy, but i have always thought about it. No one knows that I eat fast food up to 3 times a day and eat it only in my car. For example, i will tell my mom im going shopping and then keep empty bags in my car and fill them with stuff drive around for an hour consuming food and then come home. Often i will get home aruond dinner time and inorder to conceal my horrible deeds i will eat dinner like nothing ever happend. When i dont eat much or i just eat the veggies my mom says " im glad to see your eating better" then i feel guilty stick in a movie and go to sleep. About my family history i have 3 cousins none of them are over weight. I have a brother and a sister none of them are over weight. I have a mom and a dad-only dad is obese mom is skinny (she recently lost like 50 pounds what an inspiration you would think ehh) i have 4 grandparents only one over weight- my dads dad. I have only that i know 1 great grandmother- she is over weight she is my moms grandmother. So obesity is prety rare in my famlily so my body is like this because of choices aware or not that i have made... im not sure how much more i can type so ill be leaving now im crying i dont know why maybe it is all of the change??? or whats about to change thanks for reading talk to me some time if you like...
short term goal-240
long term goal-180
before i die-135-155(which is healthy for my heigt
ill post pics later

Jessica Mueller

this is the same that i posted im my first entry in my journal sorry... all this info is very personal sorry for that also
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