Ive made a lot of mistakes and a lot of bad decisions. Let me make it right! Let me forgive myself. Fuck, if I can't have anything else in the world, can I at least be allowed to forgive myself for my mistakes. Id trade the rest of my life to be at peace with myself. Why must all of this bubble up now. The flood gates are open I suppose and now its time to do some internal winter cleaning. I realize that sort of unintentionally I have begun purging myself of all of the secrets that have been rotting in the belly of my brain. I have been taking all of the things that scare me the most and pulling them up from the depths of the sea in my mind and laying it on the table for all to see, hopeing that somehow through this purging I'll find peace with it. I need to accept my life and mistakes and accept that it all has made me what I am today, and what I am today is not so bad. I have to love myself, and stop flogging myself for things I cannot change. I think right now I'm turning around and facing my worst fears. Im looking the beast within straight in the eye and I have to have faith in understanding. That somehow if I can see the nature of this beast I might be able to accept everything that mulches in my heart that makes me flinch. I think I can kiss this beast and watch it soften and curl into a corner and take a long sleep. I feel more alive right now than I have felt in years. What I'm trying to do right now is intensly difficult for me, but its time that I stopped being my own worst enemy, its time that I give up on fear. Its strange how one can be so afraid to let go of fear.