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the patron saint of switchblade fights

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[24 Nov 2005|05:08pm]
I was beginning to think that the end of my depression might be the beginning of a new epoch of sorts.
However, I was wrong, and now, a year later, I am right back where I started from.
Steam escaping from between parted lips, you look at me, eyes dancing across my collarbones, to say, "...
Come to think of it, you never really said anything.
You just punctuated your unsaid sentence with a kiss on the forehead.
Didn't anyone ever tell you that insincerity comes in fucking kisses on the forehead?

Oh, and then you left.
You left me.

Unrequited love at its very best.

but more than anything else, i’m sorry for myself

To You [26 Jan 2005|10:45am]

Oh, how I loathe you. My art, my writing, my world revolves around making you squirm. Do you remember that time by the lake, honey? Remember shoving my head under water until submission was what I breathed, screamed to you? I know you do. I made you pay, but there is nothing that can repair the damage. Seeing the bullet hole open in your side, watching you struggle through physical therapy, seeing your disappointment, your frustration, each time I take you to court for violating the restraining order. I do it all because your misery makes me smile.

But how I love you. Still, after everything. I keep all your letters, I horde away the images of you walking towards me, hands held out in petition for my forgiveness. I will never forgive you, I will never forget, and I will never stop caring for you.

but more than anything else, i’m sorry for myself

I put you in a box and shoved you under the bed [26 Sep 2004|08:12pm]

Just joined.

I went on a run today.  I put on my headphones.  I ran and ran and ran and remembered.  I ran this one route that's full of memories.  It was kind of me saying good bye and letting go.  I don't want to feel this way anymore.  I'm free now and I need to let my feelings be free too.  It was kind of hard to run the exact way I used to walk all the way to his house, and I ran right in front of his house too.  I didn't do it because I liked him anymore and thought maybe he'd be outside.  I did it because I knew this would be the last time I'd feel the need to run that route.  I was in love, okay?  It takes a long time for those feelings to go away.  When you're truly in love you don't just stop being in love.  Slowly I've had to adapt.  It's not that I still have feelings for him, it's my longing for the way I used to feel, how happy I was, how perfect everything felt.  It's old pictures, things he gave me, music, anything that reminds me of him.  When I got home I took down the pictures of him on my bullitin board and put it in a box with notes he's written me.  The painting he painted, I'm going to keep that on my windowsill.  It's beautiful. And we're still friends so I see now problem with still admiring his artwork.  But it's definitely time to let go of those pictures and memories and letters and IM conversations.  It's time to stop remembering and going back and feeling depressed and wishing it never happened.  It's been 2 weeks and it still doesn't feel like it was for the best.  For him, it probably was.  He has a new girlfriend, yeah...already. 
1 judgement | but more than anything else, i’m sorry for myself

[20 Sep 2004|10:21am]

Eventually youll learn the difference between holding hands and falling in love.
Youll learn that kisses dont always mean something.
Promises will be broken just as fast as they were made,
and sometimes...goodbyes really are forever.♥

***just joined community !
1 judgement | but more than anything else, i’m sorry for myself

[18 Sep 2004|05:02pm]
<3I can't imagine all the people that you know and the places that you go, when the lights are turned down low and I don't understand all the things you've seen but i'm slipping in between you and your big dreams.. it's always you in my big dreams.

**I just joined this community btw.
but more than anything else, i’m sorry for myself

[27 Jul 2004|10:44pm]

I know you've been making your journey through life as you believed that you should. Following a code of honor. Being the best man that you can be. Bending over backwards for whom ever. Think: Where has it gotten you, what do you have to show, and how has it helped you in your achieving your desires? Guess what.

Honor is, and always will be, dead.

You don't understand that people don't always act on their best intentions. They don't act like you. They don't want to care for society. They care for themselves. Themselves. Everyone else is disposable. You know this. You've seen it. But you cling to your honor.

Your honor makes you pissed off when you see someone else hurt. Your honor makes you want to comfort them and make things right in their life. Your honor keeps you from what you desire. Your honor keeps you motivated to change the world.

That is what makes feel that you are better person.

We both are apart of the handful of true men left. Men that try to make what has been broken fixed. Men that settle disputes. Men that stand alone until they are appreciated by what they desire. Men that adhere to their honor. It is this last attribute that causes your inner turmoil.

You can't have what you desire because you do not feel that 'it is right.' But if what you desire is near, you should take the opportunity. Both statements have their merits and pitfalls. You know what will happen if choose to hold one statement over the other. But the consequences of the other are unknown. And yet, it intrigues you. It lures you because of its luminance. You desire and fear it at the same time because of how unknown it is. Once again, you are lost in what you do not know.


Now that my part has been done, I can return to the infinite sand. Don't worry, I know that we will talk again. The cycle always repeats itself.

-The Wanderer
but more than anything else, i’m sorry for myself

inaugural post [20 Jul 2004|09:27pm]

Dear Danni,

I want you to know that I'm on my way home. I know that I've been on sabbatical for longer than you would have liked, but I feel that you need some support in light of recent events. Honestly, I wish you could take care of yourself so that I could travel and daydream without these melodramatic interruptions. Seeing as all that mess is finally coming to a close (or at least I hope it is), I think that this next trip can be a long one.

However. I am warning you. If you make me come home like this again, no matter what the circumstances, I swear I'll give you a case of lyrical tuberculosis that'll leave you writing in emotional seizures. And trust me, that's twice as painful as it sounds; I found out from a very nice Italian gentleman who's been showing me around. --You know, you should learn Italian soon. You're missing Dante and gorgeous foreign men.

So I'll see you soon. And that lovely unabridged dictionary of yours will help me mend your broken heart. Perhaps some of this optimism will rub off on you. If not, I could grate it into some Italian wedding soup. --Just think: pretty soon everyone but you really *will* be married.

much love and well wishes from
3 judgements | but more than anything else, i’m sorry for myself

ATTENTION... [22 Jun 2004|02:47pm]

[ mood | like an angry mod ]

I am hoping this isn't necessary, as you all should know this, but please remember the purpose of this livejournal is for your CHARACTERS to apologize. I can't be entirely sure the posts being made are not intended to be from characters, however, this is just a friendly reminder. Do not post your own personal apologies, as a writer, unless it is to one of your own characters. There are apology livejournals that are more broad, but please - keep this livejournal to only characters. If you have complied to this then you should have no worries - however, if you've been posting your own personal apologies, then kindly stop. That's not what this livejournal is here for.

Thank you!

-The Almighty Queen of All Things Awesome,

but more than anything else, i’m sorry for myself

[22 Jun 2004|01:47pm]

i'm sorry i don't love you like i use too.
i'm sorry i don't answer you when you say you love me.
i'm sorry i don't believe any of the words that come out of your mouth.
i'm sorry it takes me so long to trust you again.
i'm sorry we aren't more alike.
i'm sorry you're so far away.
i'm sorry that things probably aren't going to have a happy ending.
i'm sorry but i think you don't really care.
i'm sorry i'm even making this entry because it makes me feel whiny and pathetic.
5 judgements | but more than anything else, i’m sorry for myself

To My Heart [11 Jun 2004|03:19pm]
I'm sorry for all the times I've broken you.
For all the times I've given you away.
For all the times I kept you sheltered.
For all the mistakes.

I'm sorry that you ache now.
That you aren't healing very well.
That you won't stop bleeding.
That you still love the ones who hurt you.

I'm sorry that I can't fix it.
But I would if I knew how.
But I'm trying my best to find out.
But I will avenge you, if you want.

Lately it feels like you're in a prison.
One with crystal walls and voodoo charms.
One where the sound doesn't come through.
One where you can look out and see what you're missing.

I miss knowing that you would be all right. I'm sorry I made it this way.
but more than anything else, i’m sorry for myself

65// Sorry is never enough [05 Jun 2004|06:07pm]
To the side of myself i have lost:

I'm sorry to myself, for which i never allow to feel happiness. I'm sorry for supressing myself. For banning myself from the things i once loved, things i long to love. I'm sorry for this internal fight i put you through with 'depression'. I'm sorry for losing all my confidence. I'm sorry for all the pain and suffering i have submit you to. I wish i could change, i wish i could go back to the way i use to be, but i've pushed you down so far...i fear i'll never beable to return to you.

I'm sorry,
7 judgements | but more than anything else, i’m sorry for myself

[21 May 2004|10:20pm]

I'm sorry I drank all the wine.

Well, not really....except now I have no wine. Damn.
but more than anything else, i’m sorry for myself

stolen time [21 May 2004|05:00pm]
[ mood | guilty ]

I'm sorry that I didn't tell you how I felt before it was too late to make one of the biggest mistakes of your young life.

but more than anything else, i’m sorry for myself

[20 May 2004|11:08pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

I'm sorry that I made your pain my own and didn't let you feel it when you needed something to claim.

3 judgements | but more than anything else, i’m sorry for myself

[15 Apr 2004|03:29pm]

[ mood | Repentant ]

To, my stomach

I am very sorry
For every ounce of greasy stuff
I put into you
To make you die.
And I am very sorry
For every time I forget my medicine
Or drink milk.

Sincerely, me.

(oh yes. I'm sure everyone agrees that the stomach IS INDEED a muse.)

but more than anything else, i’m sorry for myself

[11 Apr 2004|10:18pm]

[ mood | inadequate ]

to whom it may concern:

i'm sorry i don't make you feel...

as beautiful as you are.

from whom it does much concern.

3 judgements | but more than anything else, i’m sorry for myself

[11 Apr 2004|10:08pm]

[ mood | lost ]

I'm more sorry than you will ever know. I'm sorry I'm not secure enough to see that you love me the way you say you do. I'm sorry that I can't understand that you need me when you don't seem to... I'm sorry I can't just tell you I don't love you, because maybe that would make it easier... it will never be true.

I'm sorry that you are the only person I don't feel like I could make happy.

4 judgements | but more than anything else, i’m sorry for myself

ahem [11 Apr 2004|09:43pm]

[ mood | bored ]

I'm not sorry.

3 judgements | but more than anything else, i’m sorry for myself

do you want that? [11 Apr 2004|09:36pm]

[ mood | discontent ]

I'm sorry I can't trust you. When I turn my back I wonder what you're doing. I don't say anything but I know you're with him. I sense it. I can smell it. It turns me cold. You come to me and kiss me with those lips and it takes all my control not to vomit. I will never say a word. I will forever hope you'll stop lying to me.

I'm sorry you're fucking insane.

but more than anything else, i’m sorry for myself

"you know not what you do." [11 Apr 2004|09:31pm]

I'm sorry I left no other options for you. I'm sorry you feel like I don't love you enough. Please know that I love you as much as I can, and I can love just as much as anyone else. I can't express it, but I feel it. I love you, please believe me.

I'd die for you.
but more than anything else, i’m sorry for myself

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