I miss you so much.. I wish I could tell you that.
Things are complicated right now, obviously. I blocked you out, which probably gave you the impression that I don't like you. However, this is not true- I do like you (a little too much,) which is exactly why I blocked you out. I care about you too much to interfere in your life right now.
I wish we met each other at different points in our lives.. that would've been perfect. But we met each other at the wrong points in our lives to be together, and that's too bad, I guess. But it's the truth.
You were there for me through some really difficult times, and I won't forget it. I really hope you're doing okay now. It's so hard not to know.
Thanks for returning my water bottle. Unfortunately, I wasn't there for it.. but that is the single sign that you are thinking of me. That's all I know.
No matter how much time passes, I will always appreciate you.
All positive feelings~
P.S. I really wish I could send this letter (via phone,) but I realize that it would only harm both of us to do so.
bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuuughh fuck you.
Lots of love
Seriously, what the fuck? I can guess/assume that there's some sort of party going on tonight.
And no one's told me. I've just figured out via several people's facebook status'es (so totally a word), that there's some sort of friday the 13th party going on at so-and-so's house.
Ok, i'm not really in the mood right now to go to this party, (i'm slightly angry now?) but still, hey, what the hell? I've heard people talk about this since tuesday! comeon!
The rejected one.
You happen to be the fictional character who reintroduced me to the joys of heady fangirling. How
could I not love you?! And consequently, how could I not weep
when I witness you being metaphorically mutilated in innumerable
fanfics? Yes Wolfram, you may or may not have fanfiction in Shin Makoku, but here on Earth, it's a global phenomenon. Ask your fiance Yuuri about it anytime. Just don't
subject him to reading the kind of fanfics I'm about to rant about.( Begin rant...Collapse )
I am tired of being a prisoner in my own home. I had to contemplate for a long time to figure out why you make me feel that way... and I'm not sure I quite understand it yet, but I have to try with what I've got. You form judgments about people based on very little info. That pisses me off. You lie to people's faces and you talk about them behind their backs. That pisses me off even more. You say you want to be treated like family, yet it seems you do everything in your power to separate yourself. That doesn't bother me really, it just makes it hard for me to include you in my life. My family knows that I'm a private person who values her alone time in her room. You're supposed to be family, yet you hold this against me. Without my private time I would go INSANE. Our house is so crazy... there are so many people and it feels like we get a new addition every few months. I need to be able to feel like this is still my home, not just a box I happen to live in with a bunch of strangers I don't really like.
The first time you had issues with me and I forced you to talk about them, you gave me a list of reasons you felt the need to talk about me behind my back with MY family members. It didn't seem like you liked me very much. If you don't like me very much why do you try to pretend like we're friends? Its this false nature of yours that really gets under my skin and I find it impossible to trust someone like you. You say one thing to my face and something completely different behind my back. How do you expect me to live like that in my own home???? What you and everyone else is asking of me, pretending that I like you, is impossible. How can I like someone who has done what you've done to me? I am not as good as you are at pretending to be one way while feeling completely different. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and that will never change.
How do we fix this? Honestly, I've thought about it for weeks, but I can't see any possible way to fix it when the trust is gone. I know you're leaving for Barbados next month and you're thinking of coming back. If you really see yourself as a son of my parents and as an older brother to my siblings, I think you owe it to me to try and stop being so phony. Stop talking about my family members and me to other people unless you've first talked to them or you intend to at some point in the near future. If you have a problem with Dad, don't call Mom to get her on your side, and if that fails, don't call Reeva to try to get her on your side. There are no sides! We are one family and since you've arrived it doesn't seem quite that way anymore. When you're asked a question, don't lie about it because we always find out. When you've done something wrong, be a man and admit it! There's nothing wrong with admitting when you're wrong. We all do it, and if you're going to be a part of this family you need to do it too. Last of all, if you want to continue calling my parents Mom and Dad and have me be OK with it, you need to show them respect 100% of the time... not only when things are going well. If you're mad at them, they should still be the Mom and Dad you've claimed as your own. You can't conveniently respect them, its all or nothing or its not going to work out.
Hello, you, my old friend, my new enemy,
I heard that you aren't living at home anymore.
I heard that you ran away and bought a run down place on your own.
I heard that it's abysmal.
People joke to me, you know.
"Look, it's karma."
"She deserves it!"
"She treated you like shit, aren't you glad she's in such an awful situation now!"
And, as I think about it more and more, I realize that, No. No, I'm not glad at all.
In fact, I'm pretty sad.
Don't get me wrong. It's not pity, I don't pity you at all. You brought this upon yourself. I just... I...
We used to be best friends. Then he ruined us. And for what? To leave both of us with broken hearts?
I honestly don't know what I'm saying. You'll never get this, anyway, so maybe I'm just venting.
But, I just. Goddamn. End this war between you and I. It's trivial.
I know that we'll never be friends again, but I want peace.
I don't hate you, at all. I really don't. I'm bringing you a present for Christmas, by the way. Whether you keep it or not is up to you.
I'm sorry that everything fell apart this way. I had once considered you my very close friend.
Do you have any idea how ridiculous and immature you are acting right now?
You have to understand that I have other friends that are just as important as you.
Look, I know you think you are top priority in my mind; you've always thought that, for as long as I can remember.
But you have to wake up and realize that you don't own me. I'm not some pawn you can move to your whim and fancy.
I have a life outside of your needs, you know. I promised I'd help you when you needed me, like a true friend would, but you
are taking advantage of that. You only call me when you need me to do something for you. Other than that, I'm useless to you and
you don't even glance my way. I'm not some doll that will come to your beck and call.
Let me reiterate; you are acting ridiculous. Are you honestly going to give me the cold shoulder because I didn't do what you wanted
for once? Are you going to pretend I don't exist most of the time and glare at me the other time just because I did something for myself?
From what I heard, you didn't really need me there, considering you dance-f***ed every guy there apparently. I'm sorry I didn't
put you before the assignment I've been working months on to finish. I'm sorry I didn't put this stupid, childish thing you wanted me to do
above going to the hospital to see my mom. I'm so sorry that you want to act like an ice queen just because something in my life made
me not able to fulfill your wishes. Je m'excuse, mais ce n'est pas ma faute.
When you want to try and start acting like my friend and not my master, then come talk to me.
I'll be waiting.
I'm always waiting.
Sorry to post again so soon, but I've had this one for a while. And I'm pretty sure I'll never send it.
(June 4, 2009)
My name is L__ and I'm sure you have no idea who I am. I got in touch with your grandfather a few months ago, I think it was in March, and informed him that you and I share the same biological father, making us half-sisters. He asked that I hold off on everything and wait until he got back to me. Considering what I was telling him, and that I'm a complete stranger, he was very kind in answering all of my questions. So I waited, for three months, and heard nothing. Not wanting to be rude, but also not knowing what to do in this situation, I tried to reach your grandfather again. A few days later, I received a message from your grandmother informing me that you do know I exist and do not wish to speak to me. She also asked that I stop trying to contact them as I am upsetting your grandfather's heart condition.
I'd just like to take the opportunity to say that it has never been and never will be my intention to derail your life, or try to push myself into it in any way. Nor do I want to disrespect yours or your family's wishes. I will not attempt to contact you or anyone in your family. But I will hope.
I also just want you to know how I found out about you. When I was twelve, I wanted to meet my father. My mother told me that he had other children, meaning you. I got in touch with him last summer and he gave me your name. I decided to talk to your family and ask permission first.
To be honest, when your grandmother informed me that you felt you'd never want to talk to me, I was pretty upset. I cried for a while, tried to write some poetry, and mostly just tried to stay focused. And it's hard knowing that the one person I've wanted to meet more than anyone else on this planet never wants to speak to me. For years, I've just wanted to talk to you, see what we have (or don't have) in common, just get to know one another.
But it's not right to try to force you to know me. It's not right to try to make you face something when you obviously don't want to. If I were in your shoes, I'd probably do the same. You have every reason to just pretend I don't exist. I'm nothing but a stranger to you with similar DNA.
Telling myself all of this doesn't make me feel better (in fact, it makes me feel worse). But it's true, and I'm coming to terms with all of it. Learning to let go of that possibility.
However I have hope that you will one day change your mind. When I first found out that my father had other children, I was angry. I thought he was a lowlife womanizer who didn't want to take care of his kids. It turns out my mother sent him away, not wanting him near me or in my life. It wasn't his fault I didn't know him; now I know he at least tried. Now that I see a different side of the story, I want to at least talk to him more, get to know him. I never in the twelve years I've known about him thought I'd actually talk to my father.
Do I think you'll want to talk to me anytime soon? No. But I am hoping that after the initial shock wears off, once you start to wonder, that you will change your mind about contacting me. And if you do, I will give you this letter. I've never been too skilled in just saying what I want to say, so I thought writing it out would be easier. And I was right.
This letter will always be in an easy to find place, and I can't tell you how much I'm praying that you do change your mind. Life is short, and you only have so much time. Ball's in your court now. So I hope you make a move, J.
Sincerely, your (half-)sister,
I think I'll start from the beginning. I don't know what happened to you. Maybe it was the hurricane, maybe you just had way too much put on you. But the way you've been acting for the past at least three years has been exponentially appalling in comparison to the beginning of the nearly ten years I've known you. So I'm going to be completely honest with myself about you, your overall effect on my life, and yours.
First, your ex. Honestly, I don't think you deserve what you're getting from him. But to expect him to be compliant after you cheated on him several times, and to get pissed and at times over-obsessive about who he's fucking now, and then act like you don't care, is not just stupid, it's bitchy, shallow, as well as incredibly creepy and awkward for me as your friend. And to keep calling him when he obviously wants nothing to do with you is doubly stupid. What the fuck is wrong with you? It's not my business why you broke up, but you broke up with him. Period. I don't want to hear about how he's such a fucking asshole. I know that's what you think of him. But when you keep after him, it just makes you look sad and desperate. Hell, maybe you really are. But I can't help you with that, and bitching to me about the same thing over and over again, certainly won't help you either.
Second, your hypocrisy. You say you're a germaphobe, but you're not. If you were, you'd be cleaning all day in your house like a meth addict. You say that so that people will take special care of you. You also say you're not a phone person, yet you call me more than ANY FUCKING PERSON I KNOW! And you say that you can't stand when people go on and on. Yet you can go off at the mouth for a half hour about fucking nothing. You complain about passive/aggression from the man I love, and then you pull shit like this morning's incident?! Seriously, take a look at your fucking self.
Third, your defensiveness. Any form of even the most gentle constructive criticism of ANYTHING about you is treated automatically as a statement of hostility. I know I've been guilty of this a few times, even with you. But I have apologized upon realization. You, however, get pissed at anything that could be possibly construed as an insult to you, even conversations that have NOTHING to do with you. We used to fight about stupid shit in middle school, and I keep finding that you're the one who still gets pissed off at me when I don't call you back right away. You're the one who gets mad when I tell you that your wrong, that I have shit to do when you want someone to talk to when you're "just bored as fuck," or you want to tell me about "a totally cute outfit that I may have found for Halloween!" You can send that shit to me in an email. You don't need to interrupt my fucking meal, or the little time I get with my boyfriend to tell me that.
Which brings me to number four: your selfishness. This one has been on my mind for a while now. And this isn't just over the fact that we've paid for everything for BOTH of your cross-country trips to see us, with no expectation of you EVER paying us back, not to mention your tattoo, myriad souvenirs I knew you couldn't afford, and an emergency because you were in so much pain while you were with us. All of those things I consider worth it, because I knew you needed a break from your everyday life. I know what that's like. But you are never satisfied and you never speak up about an issue that you have with something/someone until so much time has passed. And I think you do that just so you can bitch. There's just something in your brain that compels you to bitch, or create a reason to bitch. Our food was never good enough for you, we never had enough soda for you, we never went out enough, our friends weren't nice enough, and it never fucking ended. My boyfriend couldn't speak his mind because I asked him to tone down his political talk around you. Just so I wouldn't have to hear you bitch about how he's insulting you and your family's beliefs and values. It was fucking exhausting and unfair to try to pit me against my boyfriend. Fuck you for that. And to continue to get pissed off at me when I can't take your call right away because I have to work, is all on you. You stay pissed because I have to pay my bills; that's really logical and mature. What's more you have complained to me about EVERY so-called douchebag guy you've been with, and it always seems to be the same story. You find a guy that you probably shouldn't date, but decide to tempt fate anyway, knowing the possibility of it ending horribly is pretty high. Then things are great for a while. Then he turns into a complete fucktard. Or he finds another girl, and you get pissed, even though you specifically stated to him that you don't want a relationship. Adds credence to my "creating-a-reason-to-bitch" theory. And I talk you through it, call him an asshole along with you, and all the while in the back of my head I'm thinking, "Why am I playing along with this?" I don't know these guys, I have no right to even make a judgement. Deal with them yourself. I'm not your fucking therapist. Even if I was, you would probably ignore me.
This brings me to this morning. The message you sent me back was the perfect example of how you act like the world fucking owes you something, like I owe you something because I'm you're friend. I thought a day for just the girls while I'm visiting is a fantastic idea of yours. But the last thing I ever expected was you to be so melodramatic about me inviting someone else. The girl I was talking about bringing just recently got out of a very bad relationship, and is still coming out of her shell. For you to say, "i kinda wanted it to be a personel day, but whatever u want i guess," is really fucking catty. You obviously want me to change shit around, so I hurt someone else and make you happy, and it doesn't matter because you don't fucking know her. I do have other friends besides you, and to assume that I put everyone else second to you all the time is re-goddamned-diculous. If you flew across the country back home just because I'm coming back to New Orleans for Halloween, that's on you. I'm not coming home for you. I'm coming home to see my family, crazy as they are, and a lot of other folks too, and to just enjoy being home. And I'm not going to be able to do that when you're acting like a drama queen.
Then when I do attempt to try to smooth things over you say to do it without you.
Oh. Fuck. No.
I am NOT playing this fucking game with you. I'm not going to beg you to be my friend and I'm not going to be a bitch to someone who genuinely needs to get out and have fun just to make you feel special. That's not my fucking job. If you want to cut yourself out of what was supposed to be a good day, fine. If you want to take my deleting you from my Facebook as the end all be all of deciding the fate of our decade-long friendship, then fuck you. It's fucking Facebook. Excuse the fuck out of me if I don't want to be bitched at for being vain by commenting on your status or uncaring by not commenting. Or if I don't want to involve other people close to me in bullshit that has nothing to do with them.
If you don't realize that your acting like a bitch by next week, and call me with an apology, as you have whenever we've gotten into a fight, then I'm probably better off without you. You could be a very good friend at times, but you definitely took much much more than you EVER gave. I'm a fucking adult, and I thought you were too, but if you're going to get your panties all in a bunch over a fucking website friendship status that could easily changed with a click of a fucking button, then I was clearly very, very wrong.
I really hope you grow the fuck up. We might be able to be good friends again, but I won't hold my breath.
I can't really say much to smooth over my blatant facebook stalking after months of not talking to you. I have no excuse, really. Plus, if I tried to make one, it would either be crass or completely transparent. My life is never boring, and I am nostalgic by nature; you enter my mind on occasion. I still hear about you sometimes via Kendra, which makes me curious how you're doing. I just watched a movie called "Bamako", which is a moving art film about the political climate in Mali. I will readily, and not without chagrin, admit that out of all the people I have met in this city in the past year, you are the one I most still want to ask questions about. The value of this truth relative to how interesting you actually are and the nature of the shit you're supposed to take and deal from people you make out with a couple of times and never see again has been considered. I find that my curiosity is far more complex than most. And I care about people (often not elegantly, nor in a romatic sense) more than most people do. So, under the light of all this, I'm facebook messaging you early on a Monday morning, despite the fact that it is in the least uncomfortable and at most utterly self-compromising, because I want to.
Fuck. Wait. I don't have to be so over-wrought in this message, but I find my urge to be is overwhelming. I want to be dramatic, because I still wish you were the greater-than-life, transcendentally free romance I wished for a year ago. You made me feel infinite, even though everything we were was completely the opposite of that; and I fell in love with that feeling, and I fell in love with the idea of you that made it -- but no one can change the way I felt waking up next to you, stupid-smiling, idiot-spinning, even though your window was noisy, and you snored, and in general you were nothing I would associate with that strange love I will always seek -- you were all of that and none of it. what would you say if I told you that was how I felt? haha....you would say "that's not how I felt at all". no, no you weren't fucking retarded over me the same way I was over you. and I knew that then, and I know that now. I never get carried away like that, because my buttons for these things are small and hard to isolate. You hit them all. I fucking wish my normalcy would return on this stupid trip, because even though I relished losing control with you, I know it wasn't real. Which is why I won't send you this letter. Because it's a waste of breath.
But I wish you happiness on your amazing journey. I wish you omnipotence in your amazing accomplishments. that is all that is necessary. Maybe a couple stories over a beer when you come back. If we ever meet again. That is what is right.