Diet Pills

 ive always felt like it was cheating
but i needed something
if not for hope?

i havent really been taking them
they make me really
on edge.
but i have lost 6 pounds in a week
so.
something must be right.

i think they help me to focus.
even if im not taking them everyday.

xo
Ellie
Truth - Nobody died.

Hi everyone :)

Hi,  I'm new here,
I thought I'd introduce myself.

Height: 5'5
CW: 118 lbs (disgusting)
GW1: 110
GW2: 100

I've recently moved back in with my parents, so I tried to ignore my tendencies and be "normal" for a while, and it set be back 15lbs in 3 months. 
I need to get back on track. 

My mom's nags me to eat, but I can't stand the weight gain anymore.
Does anyone know of some low-cal foods that will make it look like I'm eating a lot? 

Thanks. 
Have a nice day.
Stay strong <3

Today in raIN

 
Rainbow Diet
Monday (white):
Breakfast: ½ apple (40.5 cals)
Lunch: ½ apple (40.5 cals)
Dinner: 1 cucumber (24 cals)
Total: 105 cals

Tuesday (yellow):
Breakfast: 1 banana (108.5 cals)
Lunch: 1 banana (108.5 cals)
Dinner: ½ cup corn (66 cals)
Total: 283 cals

Wednesday (fast):

Thursday (orange):
Breakfast: ½ orange (31 cals)
Lunch: ½ orange (31 cals)
Dinner: 1 carrot (26 cals)
Total: 88 cals

Friday (red):
Breakfast: ½ cup strawberries (21.5 cals)
Lunch: ½ cup strawberries (21.5 cals)
Dinner: ½ red pepper (16 cals)
Total: 59 cals

Saturday (purple/blue):
Breakfast: 10 blueberries (8 cals)
Lunch: 10 blueberries (8 cals)
Dinner: 10 raspberries (24 cals)
Total: 40 cals

Sunday (green):
Breakfast: ½ cup grapes (57 cals)
Lunch: ½ grapes (57 cals)
Dinner: 1 cup lettuce (7 cals)
Total: 121 cals

Week total: 696 cals
xoxo, love http://nervousanat.livejournal.com(((***

(no subject)

 Hi guys, I'm fixing to create my first ever YOUTUBE thinspo!! (My poor brother has had to show me how to use all kinds of crazy cool software lol) I would love to make it a Real Girl Thinspo to inspire others to keep going and that they can achieve it too! I don't want just a bunch of generic pics that are used in every thinspo so what I would like from you guys is your pics if you don't mind... before and afters, hip bones, thin legs ect... I promise to be responsible with anything you provide me with, I just want to do something spectacular for the Ana community!

Thanks Guys and Think Thin!

they don't know

today there were eight nasty comments about anorexics made today.

and i stood there in silence. because, they don't know.

and tyler told me we need to be a team, team anorexic and lose weight and i said, anorexia isn't a joke and he said i know but its a team and isn't it all about support? and i was like yes, in a way.... but. 

its not a joke. its not funny.

people say oh that anorexic whore, that anorexic bitch, fucking anorexic girls never eating they are so fucking stupid.... im going ot be anorexic, then i will lose some weight, ahahah lets not eat for a week like the anorexic fucks do.

no. let's not. let's not make fun of my friends. lets not make fun of people YOU don't understand and never fucking could.

so im not "sick" because im not "thin"..... and I am not going to tell you that i am sick. not to have you look at me in that way people do, and then say nasty things about me behind my back like "shes not even thin how can she be anorexic".... 

im not going to tell you and have you say, it's just a phase. you're jsut looking for attention.... its bad for you.


because it's NOT a phase, it's NOT about attention (if anything it's the most secretive thing of my life until I told James) and no fucking shit it isnt healthy.

do i care? it is literally killing yourself over a long ass period of time. if you are the lucky one who learns to cope you're fucked forever. i can tell myself it wont get that bad, that im not going to be like that... that i eat healthy.

newsflash ellie... peanut butter on a spoon is NOT a meal. cvhocolate chips are NOT food. Jello, is NOT a life support system. 

i AM sick. and I am totally lying when i say im getting better. some days, atre easier than others. but i keep going back and that means im NOT getting better. i tell myself I want it, that i need it... and then i tell myself that what i NEED is perfection, 20 more pounds and i will see where i stand then.

and i want to be able to tell my friends and say help me. please help me. but they dont. i tried once, and i got nowhere, i got shunted out into the outside of my group of friends because i was an attention seeking whore or something because i failed to get better when they were watching me.

it is. the worst thing of my life and at the same time the best. it is to the point where i cannot remember what it is like to be normal. to eat food and not think im a bad person. to not go to the store and cry in changing rooms because i look fat in everything. to ber able to look in the mirror and say, you are pretty today Ellie, you look good. i dont know what it feels like to walk even five feet without thinking everyone is staring at how fat i am.

you never noticed i dont go outside. i go to class and i come home. i dont eat at resturants, and i don't go to the beach, the park.... i go occasionally. i go with tyler.... but i wont go out by myself unless i have to.

i go to the grocery store and i am overwhlemed. there is too much food there. its like if i hjust walk in there i wont be abnle to control myself and i will buy all the carbs and fattening food on the shelves. that i will spark a binge that will never end.

i really believe that if i can control even the most basic of instincts, that i will somehow become a better person. that if i deny myself dessert, bread.... regular pop, crackers.... cereal.... meat... that i will learn to appreicate life more, and be better. better.... than what i was.


and nobody, nobody on the outside of this world can understand. because it is so illogical. i mean i know it is illogical. and i dont want to say look i am anorexic because, there are people far worse off than i am.... but i have an eating disorder, and i am sickly proud of it.


this year is going to be a real challenge. because, for once i really feel like i am past the turning point. the three year mark was where i felt i could fix myself and get better. but i didnt. and now i know deep down i wont. this august is the 4 year mark..... from when it all started.

and i dont ever want it to end. 


not for real yet, atleast.

xoxo
Ellie