||[27 Oct 2016|10:46pm]
10 years and my blog is still here.
10 years since my heartaches.
10 years passed and I'm still struggling.
10 years wishing, and hoping, and praying.
|Emily Keyes, Rest In Peace
||[28 Sep 2006|12:36pm]
Below is a heartfelt rant in which I am totally honest about my feelings. In the process, I am rather graphic in my descriptions of certain things...basically the horror that I see in organized religion. These descriptions might be challenging for some readers
As probably most of us already know, the poor people in Bailey, Colorado are going through living hell right about now. And now we find out that the attacker had sexual issues...and was willing to give his life for the chance to act them out. And in the process of acting on his sick impulses, he has damaged many people's lives...some forever. He killed a 16 year old girl named Emily Keyes.( Read more...Collapse )
|Codes of Lies
||[11 Jul 2006|02:50pm]
Many people in this world are not motivated to seek Truth. Many are doing just fine living under a Code of Lies. A code of lies that was designed to benefit them. These Codes of Lies are well ingrained into society. We take them for granted. Our fairy tales as children were based upon these codes of lies. Our fondest memories of family and home are built upon these codes of lies. These codes have been etched into our hearts and minds from our first moments on this earth.( Read more...Collapse )
||[10 May 2006|11:37pm]
It is only when gazing up upon the night sky littered with fragments of light that I feel so small, so in awe, yet so powerless, all at the same time. I realize how insignificant life is compared to the vastness lying beyond it, stretching into infinity. How humans are but threads in the fabrics of existence, temporary flames with a timer already set until a moment should come to extinguish and erase. This is a dream world we live in, composed of happy illusions and nightmares we cannot escape from. And even when we are finally able to reach one another, reach across the many imaginary boundaries that divide us, divide you and I and I from them, we are no better than the stars studded about the night. Each narrates its own story, and even when they appear so, so close, as if with a little help they might collide with one another, remember that they are light years apart. I look at the sky without really seeing it, but neither do I see past the illusions. They are not lies but far from the truth. Then I think, what does it matter when we are all so insignificant compared to nature, all so powerless to fight fate and our own self-deception. In the end, we are the size of particles and nothing more. With one exception, that because our bodies are fueled with warm blood, with consciousness, with passion, with life, we are able to determine our destinies.
||[27 Apr 2006|09:24pm]
A realization dawns, and darkness falls on me, and I burn....
Burn....burning...every breath, every thought, every dream....it burns, it's such a consuming thing. I can't escape my soul's anguish. Control....I'm losing control...I fight.....I struggle....but my heart is drowning in such anguish....weeping, singing sorrowful songs of a lost desire...and so it becomes....I feel a such a mornful symphony...one of my own creation and design, birthed from the choices I have made. Drowning....I am drowning! I can't escape the reality I have created for myself! My emotions...they drown me...is there no escape!? Heal...when will I heal?! Feel...feeling...lost...all is lost to me but one. This wretched torment, such regret and despair! I am vexed....frustrated....angry...but for a moment...oh my poor soul! If only you could feed off such things...but you drown such emotions as you drown me, my wounds are to deep, the bleeding won't stop...my loss is to great....spiraling...down....down....down.....love is such a cruel mistress....
||[16 Apr 2006|07:47pm]
Music sings from an ancient record full of dust
A wrenching heart drifts
Dances to the rise and fall of the notes' breaths
So fragile, as if with a sudden echo
These unwritten melodies just might become lost forever
Admist the silence
But oh, where is my voice
That once resonating vibration against
The dryness in my throat
Reviving these pent up pieces of dreams
But only for moments
Where is that voice with which I
Scribbled countless words unsaid
Into the cold and empty air
Only to be erased and rewritten again
If songs were memories
I'd write a million of them
Ones of happiness and of tragedy
And bury them for eternity
In the listening silence of the room
But never so close, so threateningly near
That I could reach out and touch them
Inside of me
Then I'd destroy these songs I've written with my own soul
So that I might have my voice back
Not choked in the remnants of remembrances' sorrow
I wept for the lost voice that once composed of me
Sighing, still sighing
As the record repeats itself once more
Yet again my voice lingered in the safety of my larynx
Its stories unsung
||[09 Apr 2006|09:14pm]
Standing beneath a sun glazed sky, I wondered; I dreamt. I thought. I felt.
It looked as if a miracle had just happened, as a thin wisp of cloud lay, tainting the pure blueness of the sky. It was as if a meteor struck during the day and left its footprint upon a sea of blue velvet.
Letting the fresh scent of ocean breeze soak my lungs, and letting the atmosphere wash away my essence, carried unsteadily on the wind. Under and over. Under and over. The waves tucked my mind in and released its thoughts, already overflowing from this stimulation of senses.
There, simply being there, watching life continue its endless cycle of birth and decay, letting the ocean carry my worries far beyond grasp, and that streak across the sky, yes, that luminous streak of pure whiteness admist the deep blue of the ocean and the shallowness of the sky. It was then, during that split instance, I glimpsed a piece of my soul, feeling like a stranger who had guiltily pried into a window and intruded upon something secretive.
Smiling, I thanked this moment for bringing me such a miracle, as I walked wistfully back into the shadows.
||[06 Apr 2006|10:02pm]
Thoughts tumbling over the storms of my mind
Turning and returning
Yet traveling nowhere
Always holding onto some useless memory
Already devoid of meaning
Remembering the sky and the stars and their dreams
Entangled in hidden voices addressed to no one
Yet it's only silence I hear
Figments of imagination can no longer distinguish
The abyss between unbridled reveries and insanity
Hours drain and waste away
Like the illusion that is life
And the too old record called reality
Burning and destroying all in their path
Yet how can chained love always remain
I knew when we said goodbye
That it would die
It would fade and fade until no more color is left in the canvas
Inevitable as a broken winged dove that takes flight
Only my brush never had pigments to begin with
Wondering why it is that this old song should replay itself
Over and over and over again until ears could turn deaf
But they never do, and eyes never sleep
Eternally struggling to breathe these futile verses somewhere I can reach you
Even if just to be forgotten
Not trapped within the prison they can't escape from
As the passion in them dwindles and wanes
Forever locked inside a frame of remembrance
Until they are still and
|Life Is Dead
||[18 Mar 2006|10:07pm]
Life is dead
Dead and hollow and empty like the swaying bare branches
Sharp as eyes were deprived of their rose-colored lenses
What it's like to be taunted by an untruthful mirage of peace
Sanctuary never to be found admist tumbling waves within the mind
Always passions resurfacing
In memory does misery live
Voices still recalled
In the deepest heart of sadness lies
Countless words yet unsaid, overwhelming
Boiling over, tingling inside every drop of blood that flowed through veins
Life is dead
Dead like the dull sound of time ticking and ticking away
Wasted, abandoned, used, never to be regained
Yet how can one live inside an image unconveyed
How can one live in a moment's longing
As thoughts continue to trickle away, lost
As the stream of vitality carries yet more drifting leaves
Toward their destination of the blackest ocean, to be buried and forgotten
Still only the loss of time remains when all else had been destroyed
Pyres of emotions aflame
Love and hate burnt to ashes upon shores eroded
Life is dead
Dead like the opaque silence of the night
Dead like remembrances never to be revived
Dead like verses with no meaning
Dead, dead, dead
||[09 Mar 2006|06:30pm]
It is raining outside.
The intriguing dream spoken without words. "Rain are Heaven's tears." If you entangle yourself in the atmosphere, you can almost taste their bitterness and sadness.
If only the world was less corrupt, if only children didn't beg and starve and die of disease while the greedy lost themselves in material luxuries, if only innocents weren't tortured while the sinful remained undiscovered, if only the knowing didn't feel the force ripping their sails apart while the ignorant were trapped inside false security. If only. Then would Heaven shed its icy tears?
Does it not tempt us? To embrace the misty water drops. Life. All a part of life. Life and its tragedies, its hope, its beauty, its inner despair overwhelmed, somehow surfacing in the form of an inexplicable relation to such a common surrealism untainted.
It seems even the trees are weeping. Watch shiny drops cling to their branches; you'd believe they were clothed with a layer thin enough to reveal the naked flesh underneath, fabrics soaked dripping wet and the spirit faced with defeat. Yet in their own way they defy this inner storm; they stand tall with their branches braced to face the wind that was to come their way.
The sky is gray. Do you hear the prayer it utters? There is a reason why the sun always penetrates the gloomy clouds from within, a reason why death is revived again and again. Life and death. One to bleed into the other; surely they are one and the same.
And if there were no destruction, no thunder, no storm, would there be beauty such as this? Would the appreciation even exist? No, human nature is too blind. So clouded by its own desires and stubbornness.
Even if the drops are not cold enough to bring out the numbness from within, there is something, something too intricate about this setting. It's as if the sorrow of this Earth somehow touches a chord inside of you, as if the bare branches somehow silently take over all realms of your thoughts.
Sometimes, only sometimes nature invokes those moments of silence from the deepest corners of your heart where only dark secrets dwell. The echoing chambers of your heart of which you are trapped in. Listen to the silence observed from within a window too transparent. Could it bring you what you seek? This final fusion with those incessantly dripping drops, the one and only moment of reprieve.
Free your soul.
||[08 Mar 2006|09:00pm]
Rippling surface draped in silky velvet
Darkness lurks yet nowhere in sight
Shadows chant a myth of their own
Centuries of glory lie faded upon bare bricks eroded
To be replaced with naught but haunting screams of voices to be heard
Twisted truths yet to be revealed
Some horrible crime unknowing souls committed
Left yet vanishing traces of footsteps echoing
Upon walls that housed chained freedom
Once intricate carvings deprived of life
Hollow eyes staring yet not seeing
Seemingly tears of sorrow trickle down their faces
Grave and rigid as the stones which made
Unreal gateways leading into the obscure
But do heed the warning of the spirits
A whisper here and there
Occasional visions composed of countless stories yet untold
Do walk forward with eyes open, flames illuminated --
-- For in another moment
The spider webs could entangle you in their maze
As still statues bring forth their true forms unmasked
You, a prisoner of the dungeon
Yet another past never to escape the unmerciful grasp of history
||[03 Mar 2006|01:25am]
A rateing style community of a diffrent/new kind, you are rated on how hateful you are. Once accepted, player haters post hateful things they have done in compition for Hater of the Month, we play games, have fun, hate on each other. If you are intrested in a community where it is not only accepted but encuraged to be a comeplete asshole to everyone in the comm/offend everyone you can then this is the place for you.
Warning: This community can be/is very offencive, if you don't wanna be offended then don't apply/join/look.
||[28 Feb 2006|12:12am]
And I lay my hands on emptiness
Attempting to wrench pity from nothing
Transforming mere thoughts into notes unsung
Stringing together shreds of broken memories
Ancient melodies out of tune
Vibrations in the air lingering
Stinging of traces yet left of aching
Thoughts mingled with bitterness
I taste my own solitude
At the same time despising the invisible barrier
The veil rendering my face unrecognizable
Deep scars buried within the echo of my own heart
Reminiscencing of desire
Reeking of decay
Only the foreign scent of mystery could dull
Blind to the clouded windows of knowledge
That consume consciousness
Visions folded within darkness
Stripped of the illumination of hope
And I lay my heart into the voice I sing
A lone harmony rippling with the going of the wind
Caressing a path never taken
Gently inscribing its last notes of departure
Upon stones to be eroded
Into minds to be closed
Engraving a fleeting tear of my soul
Forever onto the corrupt landscape
To be evaporated
And left with only a reminding trace
Luring those who would listen to the song of the night
As dawn bathes in light
And secrets die
||[23 Feb 2006|01:20am]
Today I'm proud of myself for biting my tongue and remembering something that stopped me picking a row.
(but I still got upset anyway, prior to this)
It's hard living on intuition rather than logic. Intuition means i change views on any given situation so rapidly sometimes and so completely i don't even know what i think of something, and wonder which is the "real me".
I know the yogi/buddhist response is that there is no "real" or objective reality and we experience everything inside ourselves, coloured by our own moods, pasts and fears. But the scientist in me thinks that everything can be predicted if observed, documented and analysed enough objectively.
||[21 Feb 2006|07:26pm]
How amazing it is that at night, all you need to do to look into space, and actually see planets and the stars is LOOK UP!!
I was looking for so long last night, I amost felt the earth revovling, I swear.
||[20 Feb 2006|02:36pm]
Kindle the flame within me
The passion that ruthlessly burns
Only to fade with time
As hot tears with the coming of dawn turn
As life flows through my veins
Caressing what coldness inside of me
Consuming my fragile soul, never to live long
Let me fly and let me be
Like what unreal dreams are made of
I come to life in that one instance
My heart embracing the surrounding still air
Every breath I draw in another chance
Kindle the flame within me
Use what little fuel I have and destroy what is left undone
I give you all of me
Mind, memories, abundantly they run
Let me bring you a light in darkness
A hope in emptiness
If you would only give me one little spark
My body it was to possess
Kindle the flame within me
Don't let me remain immobile for yet another century
My soul only prays for one life
Perpetually satisfied I will be
The fire devours me
My statue of form steadily melts
The hourglass of time had been set in motion
But immovable I was to what pain I felt
Tears filled with happiness trickle into infinity
The life inside of me is burning in elation
How content I am to be once alive
Yet slowly with each illumination
|After An Eternity
||[05 Feb 2006|02:14pm]
Within the heart of the matter
A life can no longer live
With its predisposed inclinations
Towards the irony that it has lived.
Within the mind of the matter
The right decision lays ahead
Because its wrong in one glance
But so right when its been said.
We both know its indecision which
Has caused so much contempt
So we look towards eyes of wisdom
To lead us to the end.
A period marks the beginning
But more importantly states the bend
In this story told with passion
But ending with regret.
Knowledge of when we struggle
Has lead us to this trend
Of hurting when least open
And caring when loves spent.
A thought will come too early
And a word will be too late
To save this once utopia
From an reduction of our fate.
|hiss says Mr Cigarette
||[20 Jan 2006|12:31am]
Let me set a scene for you.
11.30 p.m.,dark playground,smells like rain.
As I walked around on the sand I imagined myself crushing tiny little rocks,rocks with dreams,rocks with passion.
Rocks smarter than the current US president.
I stick a ciggarette in my mouth,its pungent odor wafts into my nostrils.I light it,my face illuminates for a moment.
Bad move prav,now people know your face.
I was extremly bored.
Cats meowed in the distance,I could hear the mourns,one of theirs has died today.
And then I see it,a light illuminates it,and I hear an angelic chorus.
4 legs, 4 chains,2 seats.
Lets ride to heaven.
I murdered over to the swing,sat my self down,and wondered.
"Hiss" said Mr.Ciggarette.
I shoved off,murdering millions.
You can do better soldier!!
The fire is reaching my lips,I can see its glow.
It doesnt matter,all that matters is getting off the GROUND!
I reach out,I grab a star to my breast.And I spit out my cancerstick.
I scream in delight.Heaven must feel this good.
I let go of my tether and I see it,I get my moment.The stars shine brighter and the ground gets further,my hands strech out a million lightyears away and touch everything.
I am flying.For a second I truly am.Nothing else matters.
I land,its a massacre.
A tear falls,I just killed billions.
But I flew,and thats almost worth it.
||[21 Dec 2005|12:49am]
I offer this rose; my soul to whomever can keep it ablaze
Because it is all for nothing without breath to thrive from.
The wind carries crimson petals, and makes a mess of my hair in our eyes, my fingers tracing his lips, flesh all a’ glisten in the black light.
It occurs to me that if they want me to lead the way, I’ll take them through the seasons until my passion is spent.
I sample the nectars of lust, I’ve dabbled, I’ve left on the same winds that brought me to them with only rose petals dashed across the ruins they built for us, all broken hearts and exhausted pleasures in the grass, a clear morning on the rise.
I’ve taken and given.
I’ve done my fair share of harm on this cobblestone path that weaves into the hillside, sun warm on my face, night always on my heels, their love like the moon.
all but whispers,
That write songs
To be sung.