Tags: guilt

Please help if you can... (crossposted)

Let me start off with my big acomplisment:  I got out of my chair and walked a long distance for the first time after the Baclofen pump surgery, at school on Thursday!  I can't to show off to everone who can watch ar school and at my Graduation party!  I'm so proud of myself for this victory! :)

Okay...I'm really not kidding though, when is it time to call my therapist and/or psychiatrist?  I'm so overwalmed and confused because I have so much to do and absolutely no motivation to do it!  I found myself saying "I'm sorry" in counseling at school the other day, because I hurt so bad emotionally and nobody understands, that I'm almost sorry for being in psychological pain.  My doctor just increased my Prozac from 15 to 20mgs, but gave me permission to go back down if I didn't like it.  Well I did because I felt like I didn't want to wake up the night before counseling, and I wanted to see the pain with my eyes, so that way it was real in some respect.  I no longer want to die, but I do want the pain to be real to someone other than myself!  I wish my parents understood and I could tell them how I feel, but I can't because I'm afraid they'll think I'm "creating drama" or something like they always do.  I'm just generally unmotivated and depressed and don't feel right keeping this from a professional; I need to talk to some who is not judgemental, but it's not a life or death emergency at the moment, so I feel funny telling my therapist and/or doctor when it's not a scheduled appointment...  It can become hard to control at times though, so what do I do?  I just need to talk to someone who's not family or friends....do you understand what I'm saying?  It might be due to lack of "restful" sleep, even though I slept through the whole night last night, so I took a Visteril tonight, but it's still not right!

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Brittany the Chipette!

saw Christina today...

We talked about my mom-not a big surprise there. But we went through some things that sound trivial, but were such a big deal to me. I feel lame saying them because they sound like things everyone should know, things that should be obvious-but they weren't to me.

Lesson One: It is not my job to make my mother happy.
Lesson Two: I am not the reason she in unhappy.
Lesson Three: I can learn things she didn't teach me and become a whole person by myself.
Lesson Four: I'm allowed to have a private life with boundaries.

I have never heard anyone tell me these things point blank, but Christina did today. (not in a list like that, but you know what I mean...) It was so amazing. It's not my fault my mom is unhappy with life-do you know how cool that is?! I'm not to blame!

Just thought I would spread the happiness of my discovery...hope everyone has a good week! :-) -Brit