Holly (dramaqween2788) wrote in _the_couch_,

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Please help if you can... (crossposted)

Let me start off with my big acomplisment:  I got out of my chair and walked a long distance for the first time after the Baclofen pump surgery, at school on Thursday!  I can't to show off to everone who can watch ar school and at my Graduation party!  I'm so proud of myself for this victory! :)

Okay...I'm really not kidding though, when is it time to call my therapist and/or psychiatrist?  I'm so overwalmed and confused because I have so much to do and absolutely no motivation to do it!  I found myself saying "I'm sorry" in counseling at school the other day, because I hurt so bad emotionally and nobody understands, that I'm almost sorry for being in psychological pain.  My doctor just increased my Prozac from 15 to 20mgs, but gave me permission to go back down if I didn't like it.  Well I did because I felt like I didn't want to wake up the night before counseling, and I wanted to see the pain with my eyes, so that way it was real in some respect.  I no longer want to die, but I do want the pain to be real to someone other than myself!  I wish my parents understood and I could tell them how I feel, but I can't because I'm afraid they'll think I'm "creating drama" or something like they always do.  I'm just generally unmotivated and depressed and don't feel right keeping this from a professional; I need to talk to some who is not judgemental, but it's not a life or death emergency at the moment, so I feel funny telling my therapist and/or doctor when it's not a scheduled appointment...  It can become hard to control at times though, so what do I do?  I just need to talk to someone who's not family or friends....do you understand what I'm saying?  It might be due to lack of "restful" sleep, even though I slept through the whole night last night, so I took a Visteril tonight, but it's still not right!

Here's my To Do List for tomorrow:
-English worksheet 
-One page stock market reflection
-Study for AP Psychology Exam on May 15th
-Go through and compare Edinboro curriculum with that of Deamen and make list of questions for OSD in preparation for meeting at Ediboro on Monday (decision about where I'm attending college needs to be made by Wed at the latest)
-Prepare for my seating/doctors appoint at Shriners, also in PA, on Monday (orthopedic surgeon)
-Sing at 4:30 Mass and practice for the Conformation Masses
-Prepare notes for Jessica's CSE meeting on Wed morning\
-Fill in pain chart and get ready to tell Dr. Moreland what I want done with the pump on Tuesday
-Not to mention other things I've been putting off for weeks...
-Also missing a lot of school for all these appontments!

Tags: college plans, cutting, depression, emotions, guilt, holly-mod, medical, school, seeking support, therapy

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