This email is about my college decision, status regarding the Baclofen pump, and my feelings concerning how being disabled influences your views about death. Take care and be strong...God is always with me, I know. **cross posted**
My meeting at Daemen yesterday went well. The campus and apartments are reasonably accessible, and between CASA, VESID, and my parents, we should be able to cover 24 hour care. Daemen even offered to give my aid a room in my apartment at night, which should be covered under my room and bored deposit. If I decide to go and after a few weeks, we decide the dorms aren't working out, I will get my deposit back and my spot will be filled very quickly. On the other hand, if I end up at Edinboro and decide to come back, I will be able to dorm then as well. With a good chance that we can achieve satisfactory accommodations during the actual school day, it's now up to me to make a decision based on my comfort level and career goals. I told Daemen that I would give them a tentative answer on Monday, but a final after my meeting at Edinboro on the 23rd. Right now, after talking to my Dad this morning, I'm learning toward Edinboro for at least a semester; I'll know what to expect as far as accommodations and personal care if decide to come home. It's a lot to consider and a hard decision of course, but that's beside the point; it has to be done soon.
I just don't know if I'm mentally and emotionally ready to grow up go away. Why do you think I'm ready now, as opposed to last year for instance? This issue is exactly why I think I might benefit from some type of psychoanalytic therapy; so I can go back to my childhood, and maybe let this anger, resentment, and whatnot go. Even though it's extremely hard to write, let alone talk about what I remember, I think doing so is the only way I'll be able to let go and grow up. No to mention be comfortable with the physical part of my disability, as well as when I'm alone in my room at night too.
As for my appointment with Lynn at Dr. Kinkel's office, all my lab work came back normal. She thinks the point at the bottom of the pump is bothering me because I'm so thin...other people usually don't feel it because there is more muscle and tissue to help cushion it. If it's ok with Dr. Moreland and the x-rays look normal, Lynn is going to try to move the pump back into place manually next time I see her. If it doesn't stay in place, we might have to go back in and re-stitch it. I am now on 50 micrograms daily, which means I'm able to go into "flex" next time. I will be getting more Baclofen at night, during the hours I have the most pain...I'm keeping a chart.
That's about it, except that my mom's great aunt did pass away this afternoon. The funeral arrangements are being made tomorrow morning, so the small mass will be this week. I think it's bothering me more because I'm afraid of death myself. I have come close to death many times due to the CP, so I can't seem to shake this feeling of fear.
Take care! Talk to you soon!