yesterday i met Falyne. God she's such a nice person. Not one to hide her true self for fear she won't be accepted. Except for Benny and Amir, none of my friends hide anything (or at least i don't think they do) important from me, and that's the best way for a friendship to work. No disguises, no content boundaries. especially with whatever it is that bothers you.
I simply can't confess any of my pain otherwise. not that i can confess pain easily anyway, but without mutual confession, i can say nothing!
So she told me about her personal difficulties, and we understood and we "hugged" in the metaphorical sense and we laughed and it was so much fun. But today was a new trauma.
I met this guy i originally met at a gay community meeting ( i don't define myself as gay or straight or bysexual. i'm attracted to lots of things but never really found myself wanting to be with a guy.)and we talked and he invited me to his place to discuss poetry. i will go anywhere with you if you tell me there's poetry involved! he was no exception, but it turned out to be a very unpleasant evening for me.
For one thing, he didn't open up. the guy is simply too obtuse when it comes to personal issues. i really tried to get him to talk , and maybe that was him talking, but it felt like he wasn't really talking. like he said: "i want a serious relationship, i never had a serious relationship but that doesn't bother me!" - RIGHT.
Another was that i kept talking about Noah and apologizing for talking about Noah ( i actually also didn't want him to get the wrong idea about us.) and saying how disgusted i am with the whole idea of relationships and being in love. He told me i should just forget about it , and that people went through wars and holocausts and stuff! HOW DENSE CAN YOU BE??? i'm telling you the most important person in my whole life may never have loved me, may never have wanted me, and you tell me i should just get over it?!!
But then, the worse of it happened. he said that he didn't have a place to shower and really needed a shower, so i was like : "o.k - you can shower at my place if you really need a shower" - but after that i went back to talking about how miserable i am, just so there would be no possible misunderstanding. i Don't think there was , but that didn't stop him from saying, just when he was about to go take the damn shower:
"you wanna watch me?" NO I DON'T. I'm fucking miserable!
a diguisted "NO" is all i could manage, with some mumbling of "sexuality really repells me right now " (not to mention , sexuality with a guy who has no idea what i'm going through and doesn't seem to care much either or have any emotions of his own, for all he shows!)
But how could he ask me that? i'm so offended even now.
And i haven't mentioned how difficult it is to sleep nowadays. i'm just miserable.
i talked to my professor today and sort of explained what i'm going through. she was amazing about the whole thing as only she (T) can be, but i'm in such a state of shock and repugnance that i simply cannot talk.
+- i wondered if that's how it felt for noah, having me come on to her two months after her breakup. but surely not. she kissed me before saying she hated me. she was attracted to me a fifth of the time. the other parts of the time she wanted nothing to do with me . i don't know.
she played with me . she probably didn't know it. i'm miserable. there ends day 8 .
And the worse of it? i miss my best friend. the one who would listen idly but utter that all important "i'm sorry " at the end of the guy story. maybe she didn't care. maybe it was all an illusion. maybe , like Laura in the glass menagerie, i "live in a world of my own", but at least she was there to say those words.
she was there, and it's not going to repeat itself. it can't, because it made us miserable when we weren't happy. and that's just not something happiness is worth.
thanks all for listening to all the yapping.
HUG ME and tell me you never want me to see you shower! anyone who responds to this entry, please! please!
I bought a small 'can' of body lotion, because I ran out of it and couldn't find anything else in the particular store I was in.
Today, I put some of it on. It smells exactly like him. And I do too, now. I'm so disgusted.