Tags: suicide

Suicide

What do you all do when you feel suicidal all of the time?
I fade between optimistic about my future and very suicidal and the suicdial times are outweighing the positive...

I was also just inpatiented and I wish I was back there.

I've also find myself either drinking, taking NyQuil, more meds than I should or all three combined when I was someone who used to be straightedge and totally against any of this stuff. I tend to not be able to remember the last time I even ate and all I can think about is stockpiling the Klonopin prescription I have, drinkings tons with it and really trying to kill myself instead of half assing it like I've been doing. I can't stand to feel the pain or the emptiness anymore and will do anything to make it go away...including losing all that is good in my life to make it stop.

I'm in therapy, have a psych and am trying to get into an outpatient program for DBT, so don't bother suggesting any of them. I'll also be attending a Depression/Bipolar support group tomorrow...so don't bother with the support group suggestion.

So what do you all do? Becuase I'm running out of distractions and feel like my time is running out before I seriously try to end it all instead of taking just under enough to NOT kill myself.

It's the weekends that really kill me. I can manage the week days. I have things to occupy my time, but for some reason those two days and Friday night just make me want to throw it all away. And for some background info...I have NO friends, I left them all with my rapist and a boyfriend who wants SPACE...and space tends to make me cut you off cuz I can't stand the anxiety of it all. I was raped, have some prior sexual abuse history and am Borderline, but not full blown in that it destroys every area of my life....people at the psych ward also suggested that I may be Unipolar, something I never even thought of, but I digress.

Someone please offer me some suggestions. I don't know what to do anymore...
Evil Amber

On Control (x posted)

You know, sometimes I wonder what I long for most in this life. If I read back in my journal, I notice a lot of my entries have to do with Love. Really, I think the basis behind it is the longing for someone to accept who I am, without any hint of hesitation.

But I've realized something. Before I can expect someone to accept me for who I am, I have to also accept myself.

There's been this trend in my life, which a locked entry in one of the LJ communities I'm in has brought to the surface. With survivors, I've noticed a trend of control. Somehow we couldn't control what our attackers have done to us, so we control ourselves in some way or another.

Eating disorders seem to be popular, as is cutting. I've noticed that cutting is for several reasons, either to feel something, show the pain that's inside, punishment, etc, etc. Addictions are rampant. Smoking, drinking, shopping, drugs. Obsessive/compulsive actions tend to show up, like my locking doors.

I've also noticed that suicide attempts or intrusive suicidal thoughts are also common. It's not necessarily for any attempt to remove oneself from the world, but to remove the pain from the self. Sometimes things hurt so bad that you want something, anything to change. The pain has to come out somehow, and usually the overwhelming guilt and/or anger is transmuted to self-destructive tendencies. My doctor called it "passive suicidality", meaning that one does not actively seek death (such as slitting the wrist or putting a bullet in the brain), but courts it cautiously. Taking too many sleeping pills, drinking and driving, drugs...all have the risk of death, but it's not a sure thing.

Hm. I have to think about this topic a little more...any thoughts?

(no subject)

Hi, I'm laramie, I'm 18 and I've been dealing with verbal and emotional abuse from my parents, mostly my father for my entire life. Most of my friends don't know that I was raped a few years ago, but that happened to. It wasn't anyone I knew, infact I don't even know what the person looks like. I used to cut myself and I've tried to kill myself 3 times. I'm currently in a drug addiction treatment program for teen at C.A.B (the Center for Addictive Behavior). So yeah... that's me.