Tags: stds

sunshine dance gentleflower

shouldnt be any triggers here i dont think

hi. its been a long time since i posted in here. i was raped in september of last year. i am a model and went to what i thought was a job. the DA told me the pictures of me nude were as good as consent. the police treated me horribly. but thats not my point today.

two things are on my mind tonight. first, tomorrow i go in to get the results of my long over due std and hiv tests. the rapist didnt use a condom. my new boyfriend got me to finally go in. im afraid of the results. i did stupid things when i was younger and got really lucky. now when i didnt have a choice i may not have been so lucky. but it almost seems like after all the mistakes ive made in that department it would be right for me to get something.

the second thing on my mind worries me more. ive been getting worse. after the rape initially i was fairly calm and handled things well. everyone was so relieved. then i felt like i couldnt freak out becuase everyone was so happy that i was ok. every few months i would get completey terrified an go off alone and freeze up and curl up all tense hyperventilating for a while, seeing flashbacks in my head. well it seems that lately ive been having this happen more frequently. like once a week or so. im thinking that now that i am with a ifferent boyfriend, one that oesnt expect me to be ok about this, my mind is finally reaxing and starting to face things. but im finding myself becoming increasingly unstable. ive even harmed myself to try and distract from watching myself get raped repeatedly in my head.

im wondering if this is something like ptsd? my boyfriend really doesnt know how to handle this when it happens. i cant be touched, i dont answer verbally. i dont know what to tell him to do. is there anything that could help me? also, does anyone have any experience with support groups in real life? are they worth the time?

the first part of my story

not only have i been raped once, but it's happened twice. and there seems to be a cycle going on. however, i only feel comfortable talking about the first incident. i wrote about what happened to me in a college newspaper, so i guess that was a sign i was able to cope. but i was made somewhat anonymous. here i go:

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the thing now is that with the second incident, it triggered memories from the first incident, feelings that i thought i had gotten past. on top of that, i decided last month that i wasn't gonna get involved with anyone else until i started counseling or therapy. as my luck would have it, when i'm not looking for anyone, someone always seems to find me. there is this guy that i'm really liking and i was really trying to fight the fact that i have feelings for him only 3 weeks into getting to know him. we went out Monday and he told me that he felt this connection between us. i was so caught off guard, although my guard was up. i broke down on Thursday and told him i liked him, too. however, i feel like if i let him get anywhere near my heart, he's gonna hurt me. i feel i need to tell him that. but all of this is so scary. i told him i was scared to tell him i liked him because i thought it was too soon for me to be liking him only three weeks in. i need advice on what to do. are we still moving too fast? how do i tell him what happened to me without scaring him? well, he did tell me that in time, i could ask anything of him. i'm just confused.