Yesterday I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. This new label is slowly sinking in. Im realizing that this is both opening doors and shutting some. I can now find out how other people have dealt with this, and find some type of behavior treatment. Now that I am aware of this, I can keep a closer eye on myself and identify triggers and bad habits. But the word "disorder" is scary. Is it something that can be helped without chemical treatment? I don't want to take pills. This is a product of things that have happened in my past, and pills will not solve that. How do I undo this learned behavior? I guess I almost need to relearn how to interact with people. There it is. I have to learn some serious people skills. I need to try and come up with new habits that can help keep me calm, and bring me back into reality. The reality is that people cannot see through me, and I cannot see through them. I should not assume to know that they are thinking bad things about me, I should not make up scenarios in my head and then become horrified that they are really happening. They aren't happening. It's all in my head.
This is taking me in circles because I start to wonder how other people have percieved my behavior, and then I think they feel strange around me because I react to things in a strange way, but all of this paranoia just goes right back to the anxiety. So there are some things that I have to unlearn as well. Tedious work.