i hate my psychotic episodes.
they mean that genuine, happy, beautiful times in my life can be taken away from me by my own brain chemicals at any time. everything that is good and lovely and wholesome and real can be wiped out by my brain chemistry.
suddenly everything is scary, and HAPPENING to me, and chasing me and people don't really like me and there are plots against me and my life will have to end soon.
and time and time again, when the psychosis is over, i can see and recognise what it was for what it was, and get back into the happy life i'm trying to build for myself.
but the next time it happens, it's SO REAL, and no amount of telling myself that it is 'just another episode' will help. it's always real, and life altering and scary and i think i'll never be able to live if these plots are real.
so i alter MY behaviour the whole time, trying to be under the radar because i think everyone's out to get me, when the whole time no one is out to get me, they are jus wondering why i'm behaving like such a freak.
i'm operating on knowledge that i assume everyone has. but it's not knowledge at all, it's psychotic thinking.
i'm ruining my own life!