Tags: remembering


(no subject)

More of my 'cleansing writing', uhmm contains triggers of abusive violence and molestation. Thankyou for such a positive response to my first piece.

This is just as a mental cleanser for myself, really. Get it out.

Collapse )

Announcement re Diane and Burning Man

Hey everyone, just a little announcement some might appreciate.

Over where I live there's something called the Burning Man festival, which features art, sculptures, music, poetry, etc - the name comes from a wooden human figure that they set afire on the second-to-last night to celebrate impermanence/change/renewal (somewhat like the phoenix rising from the ashes).

They had a wooden temple structure where people could write down the names of people who'd passed on during the year, and they'd burn it too on the last night, in honor of those people's legacies.

So, I wrote Diane's (teardrops7)'s name and a few words about her - that she was strong and compassionate to others here.

(no subject)

After years of repression I finally am going through therapy to deal with the molestation that occurred for years while I was a child. I have a great counselor, family, life, etc... but at times I still feel lonely. My main support group was my ex-girlfriend who broke up with me and now even though I am dealing, I still feel overwhelmed, almost floundering in the pain sometimes. I refuse to quit because quite frankly this is what I wanted, and am already seeing and knowing the results. The real reason I'm posting: To know I'm not alone, and may be make friends. I'm Leah, and I'm 22. I live in North East Ohio. I'm in college right now and am home for the summer working. I'm proud of not only myself, but everyone else as well. Take care!

An open letter

(I posted this a couple days ago in my own journal, but I wanted to share it with people who might have a better understanding of where it comes from.. and why I needed to write it.. My ex and i were together for several years, but I'm sure that's a story told here far too often.. and instead of looking back, I look ahead. This does have my daughter's name in it, I'm not planning to edit it out unless it's a major problem for people.. )

Collapse )

Will it ever end?

You know... it's hard enough dealing with my own memories and pain from my assault. I mean... it wasn't so bad when I still had everything blocked off. But, I unlocked that a while ago. I can't lock it back up again. I have accept that I can't get away from it. I still remember that day. I kinda gave up, stopped fighting and accepted that I would be constantly haunted. It's my curse for life.

Sooo.... not only do I have my own experience... I get to hear about others. I'm sensitive about it... so to me, it's everywhere. I notice all of it. It pissed me off, makes me feel trapped, makes me upset. I sometimes just close up.

It's weird when I trigger. It's like, I want to be held because I'm upset, but I do not want to be touched. Like, even my mom. She'll try to give me a hug, but I just freak out. I can't imagine how that must make her feel. =(

I remember being 12 and walking the dog, or being in the laundry room and knowing he was going to be there. He always was, even when I told him I didn't want to see him. I remember a couple times he would restrain me. Always hard enough to keep me from moving, but just light enough so I wouldn't bruise. He would make me kiss him good bye. I had to touch his dick. I remember one time I did get my hands lose and was able to move his hands. I remember EVERTHING. The emotional memories... being scared and confused. Knowing I couldn't tell anyone. Those hurt the most.

I remember I only telling because I didn't care what happened to me. I had NOTHING to lose, nothing to live for. So, I might as well tell. Then I also remember when the cop got done interrigating him and he came out of the builing... I was hiding in a bush. He saw me. Then he gave me this look like he wanted to kill me. It was scary, and for some reason, I will always remember that.

I really have come such a long way from then. When, I look back on it I really have. My panic attacks and flashbacks aren't that bad anymore. I know how to handle them and work through them. I understand everything a lot better. But yeah... this still bothers me. I hate feeling trapped and no matter what, never being able to get away.

I'm a free spirit, you could say. I'm stubborn... I don't like knowing that I'm going to always be limited by this. It kills me. I just want to be normal and happy. But, I can't.

I just need to keep learning how to deal with this. How to let it go. Then hopefully it'll bother me even less. I just needed to vent. I just want to get away. I can't though. I don't like knowing that. >.

Hidden Memories

I am meeting with two detectives about the sexual abuse I went through nearly twenty years ago as a child. I am starting to get really nervous because I don't know what to tell them. I only have very limited narrative memories of the beginning of the abuse; the stuff that is not too traumatic to retell. I know that more than what I remember happened to me, but I don't know specifically. I can only guess at what my abuser might have done to me by how my body and emotions react to certain situations. But I can't give the detectives straight answers about what happened to me.

I'm so afraid that they are going to listen to my story and decide that there isn't enough evidence, simply because I can't remember enough. I can only tell them vague information. I'm afraid I'm just going to sound like a nut, and it's so frustrating. I want to remember it all so badly, so I can tell them what happened. I don't want to make it up, because I don't want to lie about it. Does anyone have any advice?