Friday I got off work early (noon) to drive three hours north to a Pagan Sanctuary that I am a part of and celebrate Beltaine. Thoughts of dancing around the May Pole and reveling in the debauchery at the Night of Madness made me excited all day. It's one of the biggest celebrations in my "religion" (second only to Samhain) and every Pagan looks forward to that sunny Beltaine day when we dance the May Pole. (And, it's really nice to hang out with my friends and be utterfly FREE of every fear in the social world)
So, I was driving up north with two friends and my sister calls me.
"Hello, Sister." Says I.
"Hello." Says she. And, she proceeds to tell me that she has gotten into contact with her father and my whole world seems to darken and sink into the pit of my stomach.( triggering and emotionalCollapse )
I am not asking if it is wrong to feel like this because I understand that would be your opinion. I do want opinions, I suppose (why else would I write? I ask myself). I guess I am just sharing my story because it is heavy on my heart and I don't really know where else to go.
I haven't cried about this, but I feel tears at bay. Part of me doesn't feel like I need to cry - like I've cried all my tears for that little girl and now we are ready to move on. But, if the tears are there, threatening, then perhaps I am not ready to move on. I don't know.
The phone call didn't ruine my Beltaine celebrations. I told her that I couldn't talk about it now and I'd call her later. I still haven't called her; perhaps I will now.