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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
 
5th-Dec-2006 05:20 pm - i work with a rapist...
i just need to get this off my chest. it's kind of a rant i guess you could say. i read everyone's posts, but i hardly ever comment since i really dont know what to say half the time. and i wanna tell you all that youre all so supportive and brave for everything youve all went through.

basically, i need some advice. could triggerCollapse )

i'm gonna try to be more active in this community cuz i think it would really help me. thanks for listening/reading.
sunshine dance gentleflower
hi. its been a long time since i posted in here. i was raped in september of last year. i am a model and went to what i thought was a job. the DA told me the pictures of me nude were as good as consent. the police treated me horribly. but thats not my point today.

two things are on my mind tonight. first, tomorrow i go in to get the results of my long over due std and hiv tests. the rapist didnt use a condom. my new boyfriend got me to finally go in. im afraid of the results. i did stupid things when i was younger and got really lucky. now when i didnt have a choice i may not have been so lucky. but it almost seems like after all the mistakes ive made in that department it would be right for me to get something.

the second thing on my mind worries me more. ive been getting worse. after the rape initially i was fairly calm and handled things well. everyone was so relieved. then i felt like i couldnt freak out becuase everyone was so happy that i was ok. every few months i would get completey terrified an go off alone and freeze up and curl up all tense hyperventilating for a while, seeing flashbacks in my head. well it seems that lately ive been having this happen more frequently. like once a week or so. im thinking that now that i am with a ifferent boyfriend, one that oesnt expect me to be ok about this, my mind is finally reaxing and starting to face things. but im finding myself becoming increasingly unstable. ive even harmed myself to try and distract from watching myself get raped repeatedly in my head.

im wondering if this is something like ptsd? my boyfriend really doesnt know how to handle this when it happens. i cant be touched, i dont answer verbally. i dont know what to tell him to do. is there anything that could help me? also, does anyone have any experience with support groups in real life? are they worth the time?
never ending story
I'm new to this community. It took me a long time to write this, I have never written the full details before, and as I was working on it, instead of getting saddening memories, it made me feel so much better, like a huge weight off my chest. I just posted it to my journal, and I wanted to add it here.

It happened a while ago, but I think I am only getting back to normal now, I now have the strenght to talk about it, being totally emotionally detached from it. The past year has been bloody awful, I never thought I could sink so deeply into depression, but I came out the other side, and that's all that matters, I am a survivor.

I have discussed this with my councellor, and a few close friends, but never in full detail, it's hard to say these things with someone listening attentively, looking you in the eye. But here I go.....

Just a word of warning - it could be triggering, and it's quite lengthy.

18th September 2004Collapse )
1st-Oct-2005 03:39 pm(no subject)
hi, i'm also new here. i thought i would share my story. it's probably triggering, so i'll put it behind a cut.

...Collapse )
30th-Sep-2005 08:37 pm(no subject)
sunshine dance gentleflower
hi, im new here. thought id tell my story. TRIGGERING.

Read more...Collapse )
17th-Aug-2005 10:28 pm - I just wanted to say hi...
john cig
I think this is a great community with some very supportive people. My name is Jess and I am 23. My first attack happened at 12 with a priest at my church. I was fortunate enough to get away. My next two attacks were actual rapes and occured by a stranger and a person who I thought was my friend. This was at 15. The next time I was raped I was 18 and it was by an abusive boyfriend. The last attack nearly cost me my life however I escaped...I was 20. It hasn't been easy dealing with all of these traumas but I've found some way to cope. I suppose because I am no stranger to abuse or heartache to begin with...I've learned to ajust. Today I consider myself a survivor....I know that the only thing I have tha ability to do is take each day a day at a time. I've survived every abuse possible, escaped 2 attacks, my battle with drug abuse and my daily battle with bi-polar. I am living for today....it's all I can do.
I hadn't realized until this morning why I've been soooooo very irratible and upset all week. I know I was on my cycle...but even that wouldn't really explain the very extreme bad mood I've been in. I woke up and realized that it was two years ago this week that the rape happened. Thanksgiving week in 2002 I was abducted from a parking lot in downtown Louisville, I was taken somewhere and brutally beaten and raped. I have no memories of the actual rape, I remember being taken, I remember being handcuffed, I remember the gun, I remember the threats, I remember him well enough that if I had any talent for drawing I could still draw him perfectly. I remember the very first strike of his belt, and after that I don't remember a thing til I came to walking a couple blocks away from where he originally took me from, missing some of my clothes and disoriented. The friends that I was supposed to meet found me in the parking lot, I had never shown up for dinner and they were all going to their cars and leaving then. They called 911 and I was taken to the hospital where they did a rape kit, took all my clothes, photographed me naked and asked me tons of questions. I remember hurting on every inch of my body and crying and not understanding what was going on. The next night my friend Anita took me to the police station where the detective there questioned me some more and had me help with a composite on the computer. I have managed to completely block any form of emotion about that night since it happened. I've never gotten therapy for the rape, never been able to talk about how it made me feel. Still to this day, I can talk about what happened, but its like it happened to someone else. I remember that the bruises on my body from his belt were shaped in long straight thick lines, and that the were so deep they took over a month to fade away. I don't remember him putting them there. I remember the "skin tags" he had all over his neck and shoulder areas, and I think he had them around his genitals too...I remember that he smelled sour and sweaty. He was a huge man, 6'4" at least and close to 400 lbs. I thought he was someone's daddy. He drove a white mini van with fruit loops spilled all over the floor and a Minnie Mouse sun shade on the side passenger window and a baby seat in the back. He asked me for directions and I leaned into the front seat to write them on a tablet and then he grabbed me and pulled me in. He told me he had a gun and he'd kill me if I fought. I wish I could cry, I wish I could feel something. I'm glad they have his DNA on file, so that if he ever gets caught they'll be able to match it. But its been two years now, I don't think they'll ever find him. There must be millions of white mini vans in this country. I'm scared I'll be in the middle of something some day, and at a totally inappropriate time all the pain and anger and fear will hit me, and I won't be able to handle it. What if he's some guy that lives nearby and I run into him at the grocery or at Walmart? What do I do? How do I handle that? I'm scared I'll be paralyzed by my fear and I won't be able to ask for help and notify someone of who he is. What if he never gets caught and does it again to someone else? What if he actually kills someone? What if I never am able to feel the pain? Will it just grow and grow inside me til it kills me? I was molested as a child, many years of extensive abuse. I have been able to grow past it, deal with it in therapy, get angry and cry and scream and work it all out for the most part. But this...this is something I haven't even touched emotionally. It really does feel like it was someone else it happened to. If it wasn't for the police photos of my battered body and the semen stains on my torn clothes I wouldn't even believe that it happened it feels so surreal. The detective on the case sent me a letter about 6 months ago saying that if I couldn't come up with any more new info on the case it would be relegated to the inactive files, and dropped unless the DNA in the system cross referenced to another case some day. It made me feel so unimportant and disposable that they would only try for 1 1/2 years to catch my rapist. Has anyone else ever felt the way I do? Not been able to feel anything about something like this, had it feel like it happened to someone else?
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