I hate to do this again...
I can't bloody sleep. I just got my meds today, and I'm still sick. On top of that, I couldn't sleep, so I decided to go through my wallet and clean out my purse. I found my ex's picture. I only saw a brief glimpse of his face, but the emotions came crashing down on me, and I tried to forget them by answering e-mails and comments, but it just won't leave me alone.
I wonder often times if the first time I was raped effected me so much that I caused the second time, years later, to happen. But then start to think about the things he said...
It's been months since those things happened, and I have nightmares often about them. I sometimes wish I could talk to his mother, whom I had become close with, and his father whose respect I wanted so badly, and let them know that I wasnot some evil siren trying to hurt their son. I lost a whole second family. People I was attatched to, people who were more comforting to me, sometimes, than my own family. And I loved all of them, with my whole heart.
I'm sorry. I just needed to get that off my chest. I'm going to print this up and take it to my therapist. This is the most cogent and well written I've been able to get it thus far, and while I've left a few things out, it's pretty much complete for this episode.
My question (I know, I'm constantly seeking validation, maybe because I didn't get it from the one person who really mattered); Was that rape? Sexual assault? What was it? Am I a horrible person for trying to manipulate it in my favor, turn it on X? Did I betray my love to try to destroy my attacker? I can't let this alone, and I need someone to answer me. Someone who doesn't have a vested intrest in my well-being and sanity. I know I should have kicked him to the curb the first time he even suggested I had betrayed him, but my conscious keeps telling me I did give him good reason to think so, protesting at calling it rape in the beginning simply because I didn't want to face the reality of it.
And on some level, I thought I deserved it all. I still do. Because I let it all happen. Sometimes I wonder if X really even realizes what he was doing. But that's just silly, right?
- Tags:abuse: control, abuse: emotional, flashbacks, invalidation, panic attacks, pregnancy, rape: acquaintance/date, rape: oral, seeking support, suicidal thoughts, victim-blaming
not only have i been raped once, but it's happened twice. and there seems to be a cycle going on. however, i only feel comfortable talking about the first incident. i wrote about what happened to me in a college newspaper, so i guess that was a sign i was able to cope. but i was made somewhat anonymous. here i go:( part 1: the high school incidentCollapse )
the thing now is that with the second incident, it triggered memories from the first incident, feelings that i thought i had gotten past. on top of that, i decided last month that i wasn't gonna get involved with anyone else until i started counseling or therapy. as my luck would have it, when i'm not looking for anyone, someone always seems to find me. there is this guy that i'm really liking and i was really trying to fight the fact that i have feelings for him only 3 weeks into getting to know him. we went out Monday and he told me that he felt this connection between us. i was so caught off guard, although my guard was up. i broke down on Thursday and told him i liked him, too. however, i feel like if i let him get anywhere near my heart, he's gonna hurt me. i feel i need to tell him that. but all of this is so scary. i told him i was scared to tell him i liked him because i thought it was too soon for me to be liking him only three weeks in. i need advice on what to do. are we still moving too fast? how do i tell him what happened to me without scaring him? well, he did tell me that in time, i could ask anything of him. i'm just confused.
Many thanks to everyone who responded so supportively to my last post. I really do appreciate it.
I've reposted my story below for reference b/c I couldn't figure out how to link to my previous post.
In response to your comments:
I'm still trying to work out the things my therapist said. On one hand, she has a point - my sexual abuse experiences were not physically forced. There was a lot of negative emotional training and lack of self-worth stuff that went into it. The events of my upbringing/childhood that led to my inability to stand up for myself as well as my lack of understanding that I had the option to do so make a lot of sense in the "lack of personal choice" context. I could make the argument that I was really young (14-16) when the majority of the instances occurred, or that I didn't realize that there was a distinction between love and taking part in sexual relationships, or a hundred other things that influenced those situations.
It doesn't erase the fact that I did have *some* responsibility for the situations. I could have chosen to throw my partner off me, demand the respect I deserved, and discontinued dating the person until I received the level of respect that felt good to me. Could I have verbalized that at the time? Probably not. But I did help to create the situations in which I found myself, if not when I was younger, the ones when I was in Mexico and in college, definitely. I made the choice to value staying with that person over my personal comfort. That was
my choice. Does that absolve my partners from blame? HELL NO! Does that mean that my therapist wasn't insensitive in how she choice to discuss the topic? Absolutely not. But it does mean that I did have a degree
of responsibility in the sexual abuse I have lived through, and that is something I must come to terms with.
Thanks again, all, for the love. I extend it all right back at you.( My StoryCollapse )
im doing really well now... much better than i have been.
i feel genuinely happy and thats the first in a really long time :)
im staying away from matt the jerk. it makes my soul hurt to talk to him or be around him... and i just don't see how hurting myself is worth him right now. because he is not worth that. nobody is.
i feel like that is a good part of my progress.. along with not drinking so much, but also not having destructive promiscuious sex and reinacting my rape over and over again. drinking and sex go hand in hand and when i cut out the drinking, i've found it makes random sex much harder to excuse...
im just not all about that anymore... im healing myself.
Friday will be the first theraputic EMDR session that i will recieve. My therapist and i have identified 4 traumatic experiences. we will handle them in chronological order.
the first of these experiences that will be the topic on friday.. happend when i was like 13.... ( Read more...Collapse )
so i guess that just feel
derpressed and frustrated...
confused and agrivated.
hopeless and doubtful..
i duno thank goodness for this LJ it feel soooo good to get out everythign that i hold inside allllll the time
i just really dont feel like anyone around me really knows how i feel and like can really relate to me... i feel like i have just seen too much... been through too much trauma and experienced far more than my amazing friend aly or some of the other people who might think they are like me..
on the outside... i look like the nickname my friend in high school gave me... "innocent one".
but on the inside i am screammmming to be understood. and accepted for who i really am , flaws and all... and i just want to find people like myself... my life is not the All American story book white picket fence that my neighboorhood looks like......
(besides i just found out my neighbors are SWINGERS and are now getting divorced!) crazy.
i just... ugh i dunoo..
i dont feel stable enough yet... to start working on some of the other trauma that i know is in my head... and hurting my heart...
it has all been coming up lately and resurfacing.....like once i open the flood gate....alllll that is inside just comes gushing out.
i dont think im ready to completely start thinking about all of these things yet... but maybe i will start just listing the traumatic events that i recognize...
1) the abortion-when i was in high school, i cheated, got pregnant, and had an abortion. i was 8 weeks into pregnancy which is almost the limit.. 2 more weeks and i wouldn't have been able. i have flashes.. really traumatic flashing viloent and vivid memories, it was one of the most painful things i have ever been through, emotionally and physically.
2)london- when i was about 16 i went to london with my mom, 9 days, one night, i snuck out to the lobby where i met a guy, we went to the hotel bar, i drank with him, he offered me to come up to his room to look at magazines, i went. i was drunk..a little, and alone, he undressed me.. and yeah... the rest is fucked..
3)tony- when i was in high school a little after i was raped i think... or maybe before i can't really remember... i was at a kegger with some close friends. a hockey player named tony, watched me all night... drank, and drank, and drank with me.. till i was wasted..followed me outside... and on the bech in front of the appartment, made out and then pushed my head down into his crotch and held the back of my head there. fuck tony.
these are the things i can think of right now... there were other events that have been slightly upsetting and not comfortable... one with a boyfriend jay, also involving drinking... ...so needless to say im just not ready yet to get into that basket...