I really don't expect anyone to read this...but if you do....thanks...
Just thought of some more things that could be triggering to some people...talk of pastors, arms being tied together, taping mouth shut, anal rape(just a brief mention), physical abuse running away/scared/crying/etc, there's 2 perps, and double penetration
Sorry the post was so long...I hope I didn't leave out any triggers...I just needed to get it all out....I don't have a lot of people to talk to about it...so I thought I would write it here....
my ex-boyfriend, who was the one who sexually assaulted me, decided to call me at 1:30 in the morning. i haven't been speaking to him for almost half a year, and he sent me two text messages out of the blue two days ago. i ignored his text messages, so now he's calling me in the middle of the night.
i cut off his phone call, and went back to bed.
and then i had a nightmare.( triggering: graphic sexual violenceCollapse )
i'm 18, live in Michigan. i don't really know what to write here. i guess i just need people who understand.
i was raped on February 13th. i had a rape kit done (though reluctantly) and went to the police (unwillingly). Court was yesterday, May 12th. the preliminary trial, anyway. He was bound over, and they added a second count (because there was both vaginal and anal penetration). i know i should feel better... knowing that he's probably going to pay for it, that even if he doesn't get convicted, atleast he can have a tiny tiny taste of the agony that i have gone through, the fear, the uncertainty, the sleepless nights.
all i feel is worse. i didn't cry during the testimony, which surprised me. i didn't cry until i walked out. all of his family was in there, even though they were asked to leave. i didn't have anyone come in. my parents and fiance wanted to... but i wanted to do it alone. i didn't want them to be there when i talked about it, even though they already know everything. it just seemed like it would make it worse.
the hard part about it too... i have little credibility. see, i'm a submissive in the S/M lifestyle. and that's being used VERY heavily against me.
i just want this to be over. i mean, i want justice, i just.. i want to be able to move on with my life. and i don't feel like i can, knowing that in a matter of months i will be standing in front of a jury begging them to believe what i've been through.
my doctor prescribed an anti anxiety medicine, and put me back on my old anti depressant. and here i sit, ripping apart at the seams, and i want to cry... but i can't. i think its the meds. i dont know. my eyes brim with tears but it just wont go.
just something for everyone else... download the song You Can Still Be Free by Savage Garden. it's definitely helped me a lot... gives me hope that perhaps i won't always be defined by this, that someday a day will go by when i don't see his face, that someday i'll have a dreamless sleep with no nightmares.
::hugs all:: thanks for listening.
not only have i been raped once, but it's happened twice. and there seems to be a cycle going on. however, i only feel comfortable talking about the first incident. i wrote about what happened to me in a college newspaper, so i guess that was a sign i was able to cope. but i was made somewhat anonymous. here i go:( part 1: the high school incidentCollapse )
the thing now is that with the second incident, it triggered memories from the first incident, feelings that i thought i had gotten past. on top of that, i decided last month that i wasn't gonna get involved with anyone else until i started counseling or therapy. as my luck would have it, when i'm not looking for anyone, someone always seems to find me. there is this guy that i'm really liking and i was really trying to fight the fact that i have feelings for him only 3 weeks into getting to know him. we went out Monday and he told me that he felt this connection between us. i was so caught off guard, although my guard was up. i broke down on Thursday and told him i liked him, too. however, i feel like if i let him get anywhere near my heart, he's gonna hurt me. i feel i need to tell him that. but all of this is so scary. i told him i was scared to tell him i liked him because i thought it was too soon for me to be liking him only three weeks in. i need advice on what to do. are we still moving too fast? how do i tell him what happened to me without scaring him? well, he did tell me that in time, i could ask anything of him. i'm just confused.