In the past few months, I've really started healing a LOT. It's amazing, really, I thought I'd never feel any better than how I had felt. But recently, I've started to feel this burning desire to help others who have been through the same sorts of things I've been through.
I'm not sure how to, though. I mean, I'm only fifteen. What can I really do to help?
When something tramatic happens, we tend to convince ourselves we are now required to become someone else, and leave the old 'us' behind. For most, it's a feeling of moving on, and for others, we find it simply easier to forget what happened and focus on our new lives.
'It's never too late to be what you might have been'.
I read another writers icon which had that sentence written in it. Suddenly, I realized I don't have to become someone new in order to put my past in it's place. I've mentioned a few times that I miss the old me. The me that everyone loved...The me that I loved. Up until I read that, I had been determined that creating a new life for myself was the only way i'd ever really move on and be able to forget what happened to me. Truth is, whether I create a new life or not, my past is still with me and it's something i'll never forget. What i've gained from this has so far only been a nice thought, but hopefully i'll find enough strength in myself to make it a reality and slowly but surely be able to bring back the me I once was.
i went to a therapy session on Tuesday.
and i didn't talk about the rape the majority of the time i was there.
i talked about, shell fishing, the cape, school, friends, alcohol and other stuff.
i would honestly say, without feeling pressured, that
my view of my rape scene, as a whole... in that single situation and experience
on a scale from 0 to 10, 0 being neutral and ten being very disturbing...
i am currently between a 0 and 1.
im getting there.... im almost there...
i think how i will ultimately feel about the rape is dependant upon a couple of factors:
1. how far i will be able to distance myself from it.
2. like a snake shedding its skin, will i be able to let that part of me go? ( a really good metaphor i think)
3. how i will act around the drug of choice involved in the rape (alcohol) and how i will learn to control it and myself.
4. boundaries i will set for myself with friends and men and family.
5. my ability to understand that what happend to me was not my fault. but also, to be able to recognize the ways in which i have changed and grown since then to make sure im vigilant in being INTELLIGENT and RESPONSIBLE for alcohol and decide to TAKE CARE of myself.
so there is hope out there!