I hate to do this again...
I can't bloody sleep. I just got my meds today, and I'm still sick. On top of that, I couldn't sleep, so I decided to go through my wallet and clean out my purse. I found my ex's picture. I only saw a brief glimpse of his face, but the emotions came crashing down on me, and I tried to forget them by answering e-mails and comments, but it just won't leave me alone.
I wonder often times if the first time I was raped effected me so much that I caused the second time, years later, to happen. But then start to think about the things he said...
It's been months since those things happened, and I have nightmares often about them. I sometimes wish I could talk to his mother, whom I had become close with, and his father whose respect I wanted so badly, and let them know that I wasnot some evil siren trying to hurt their son. I lost a whole second family. People I was attatched to, people who were more comforting to me, sometimes, than my own family. And I loved all of them, with my whole heart.
I'm sorry. I just needed to get that off my chest. I'm going to print this up and take it to my therapist. This is the most cogent and well written I've been able to get it thus far, and while I've left a few things out, it's pretty much complete for this episode.
My question (I know, I'm constantly seeking validation, maybe because I didn't get it from the one person who really mattered); Was that rape? Sexual assault? What was it? Am I a horrible person for trying to manipulate it in my favor, turn it on X? Did I betray my love to try to destroy my attacker? I can't let this alone, and I need someone to answer me. Someone who doesn't have a vested intrest in my well-being and sanity. I know I should have kicked him to the curb the first time he even suggested I had betrayed him, but my conscious keeps telling me I did give him good reason to think so, protesting at calling it rape in the beginning simply because I didn't want to face the reality of it.
And on some level, I thought I deserved it all. I still do. Because I let it all happen. Sometimes I wonder if X really even realizes what he was doing. But that's just silly, right?