Tags: pregnancy



Okay, I don't feel like typing everything out... but I was wondering who in here happens to have PTSD from past sexual abuse and has given birth to children later in life? I am asking because I have PTSD... now I am happily married and excitedly pregnant for the first time (well, 2nd time if you count my miscarriage), but I have some anxiety about the whole labor/birthing/delivery thing. Could you tell me how your pregnancy and deliveries went? I would love to hear some honest stories just so I have a feel for what to possibly expect with my own experience. Thank you for sharing in advance! I really do appreciate it! I want to prepare for what's ahead... ya know?
bjork montage

(no subject)

*sigh* today, life and its harsh realities rears its ugly head.
i told Scott about my pregnancy concerns... and he was so good. he told me he'd support me through anything and whatever decision i make, whether i abort, adopt out or want to keep it. he says it doesnt matter because no matter what i'll still be the "same 'Gria i love."
so tomorrow im hiking out to the doctor to do a preg test... scary stuff. im already prepared for it to turn true: but i still dont know exactly which is my best option. so im waiting for a sign, for something to give me a nudge in the right direction, because i dont want to regret this forever.

and my dreams are back. its like a montage of all those bad memories, so fast and like a silent film. so right now, im not sleeping well. im way too scared of re-living that torture in my sleep. its bad enough when im awake and i escape it somehow... but i just cant seem to wake myself until its all over.
Pissed Tiger

Holy Triggers, Batman!

I hate to do this again...

I can't bloody sleep. I just got my meds today, and I'm still sick. On top of that, I couldn't sleep, so I decided to go through my wallet and clean out my purse. I found my ex's picture. I only saw a brief glimpse of his face, but the emotions came crashing down on me, and I tried to forget them by answering e-mails and comments, but it just won't leave me alone.

I wonder often times if the first time I was raped effected me so much that I caused the second time, years later, to happen. But then start to think about the things he said...
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It's been months since those things happened, and I have nightmares often about them. I sometimes wish I could talk to his mother, whom I had become close with, and his father whose respect I wanted so badly, and let them know that I wasnot some evil siren trying to hurt their son. I lost a whole second family. People I was attatched to, people who were more comforting to me, sometimes, than my own family. And I loved all of them, with my whole heart.

I'm sorry. I just needed to get that off my chest. I'm going to print this up and take it to my therapist. This is the most cogent and well written I've been able to get it thus far, and while I've left a few things out, it's pretty much complete for this episode.

My question (I know, I'm constantly seeking validation, maybe because I didn't get it from the one person who really mattered); Was that rape? Sexual assault? What was it? Am I a horrible person for trying to manipulate it in my favor, turn it on X? Did I betray my love to try to destroy my attacker? I can't let this alone, and I need someone to answer me. Someone who doesn't have a vested intrest in my well-being and sanity. I know I should have kicked him to the curb the first time he even suggested I had betrayed him, but my conscious keeps telling me I did give him good reason to think so, protesting at calling it rape in the beginning simply because I didn't want to face the reality of it.

And on some level, I thought I deserved it all. I still do. Because I let it all happen. Sometimes I wonder if X really even realizes what he was doing. But that's just silly, right?

Not a survivor myself...

I created this account simply to protect the identity of my friend while I posted this. I think she would be upset with me if she knew I posted this, but I don't know what else to do. My friend has been raped, brutally twice in the last two and a half years-three years and I just don't know how to help her. I'm going to post more details, just wanted to let you guys know why I was posting. There may be some triggers in here, not being a victim myself I can only guess.

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