A few nights ago, a friend of mine came over before we were planning to go out. We ended up just staying at my place and talking with a glass of wine. I don't even completely remember how her and I began talking about this subject but... eventually she told me that something happend to her. when she was younger. I told her something happend to me too. She told me more
You know... it's hard enough dealing with my own memories and pain from my assault. I mean... it wasn't so bad when I still had everything blocked off. But, I unlocked that a while ago. I can't lock it back up again. I have accept that I can't get away from it. I still remember that day. I kinda gave up, stopped fighting and accepted that I would be constantly haunted. It's my curse for life.
Sooo.... not only do I have my own experience... I get to hear about others. I'm sensitive about it... so to me, it's everywhere. I notice all of it. It pissed me off, makes me feel trapped, makes me upset. I sometimes just close up.
It's weird when I trigger. It's like, I want to be held because I'm upset, but I do not want to be touched. Like, even my mom. She'll try to give me a hug, but I just freak out. I can't imagine how that must make her feel. =(
I remember being 12 and walking the dog, or being in the laundry room and knowing he was going to be there. He always was, even when I told him I didn't want to see him. I remember a couple times he would restrain me. Always hard enough to keep me from moving, but just light enough so I wouldn't bruise. He would make me kiss him good bye. I had to touch his dick. I remember one time I did get my hands lose and was able to move his hands. I remember EVERTHING. The emotional memories... being scared and confused. Knowing I couldn't tell anyone. Those hurt the most.
I remember I only telling because I didn't care what happened to me. I had NOTHING to lose, nothing to live for. So, I might as well tell. Then I also remember when the cop got done interrigating him and he came out of the builing... I was hiding in a bush. He saw me. Then he gave me this look like he wanted to kill me. It was scary, and for some reason, I will always remember that.
I really have come such a long way from then. When, I look back on it I really have. My panic attacks and flashbacks aren't that bad anymore. I know how to handle them and work through them. I understand everything a lot better. But yeah... this still bothers me. I hate feeling trapped and no matter what, never being able to get away.
I'm a free spirit, you could say. I'm stubborn... I don't like knowing that I'm going to always be limited by this. It kills me. I just want to be normal and happy. But, I can't.
I just need to keep learning how to deal with this. How to let it go. Then hopefully it'll bother me even less. I just needed to vent. I just want to get away. I can't though. I don't like knowing that. >.