What happens when you don't remember you past at all? What about "fake memories"?
I guess I question too cause part of me wonders if I should just forget it all. Just move forward with my life. But I tried that already. I did that from 20-24. Probally as a kid too...as a way to survive. It doesn't work. It just covers it up. One is still affected by it even if you never ackowledge it.
just something I was pondering
Also posted to my journal.
I'm sitting here reading one of the recent post. In that post they did a "Play with your inner child worksheet" where you remember things you did as ak kid. At each question I say.......mmmm don't remember that....don't know.....don't know. Then it strikes a chord in me and I begin to cry. I hate hate hate the fact that I can not remember much from when I was a child, let alone now! My memory is *%^&. I find that I can't even remember what happened yesterday. I don't like that...expecially when it has to do with my and my gf. I'm embrassed by it. But I can't help it. My minds been wired to forget everything that isn't dyingly important. So it does. Anyway. I hate it with a passion!
It makes me so angry about what has happened to me. Not only that, but what the hell happened to me when I was younger? [ rereading this I noticed that I forgot to put a question mark here. For those metaphysical thinkers like me....that says a lot. ] This memory lapse didn't just start when I was eleven years old. I look at my jounal where I have just written some of my feeling and I am struck by some of the things I said. I feel like Jekel and Hyde. There is this side of that is filled with anger/rage/hate that I never let anyone see......not even myself. I get glimpses of it in moments like this. It feels like a very violent side to me because it is so powerful. That is why I never want that side to see the light of day. However I know that I have to let it out somehow. Music is one way I do. This is another.
I sometime I just scream inside my head....really.....because I am so overwhelmed by pain. I feel like I need to go kick a bag....and then break down and truely cry the tears that I haven't cried in years. To feel for once. Goodness this is so hard.......
a few days ago, i was laying in bed,( Collapse )
i dont remember anything for the most part until i am 11. a few scattered memories, most of no importance. ever since i can remember ive been really messed up. ive been in therapy of one form or another since age 5, it was a requirment of me being in public schools from age 13 on.
within anywhere from an hour to 4 sessions every councelor, therapist, ect ive ever met since middle school has asked me if i were sexually abused. i suspect that it is likely, but i cant answer them. and it is unerving that they ask me, they all ask me, stating that i show so many signs. its like its tatooed on my forhead. and honestly i dont know if ill ever have the answer.
there are two issues here. the first is that i do see things in my mind sometimes that look like they could be memories. and more than sight i have memory flashes of feelings, not emotions, but like textures of things around me, cloth, ect, in ways that dont seem right. but i dont trust any of this because i am afraid that all the people asking me things and trying to find out if i was molested have planted things in my mind. i dont trust my mind.
the other issue is that i have a 10 year chunk of time missing from my memory. it freaks me out. i want to know what happened to me more than i want almost anything in the world. i feel like maybe i can work throuh some of my issues and behaviors if i can find the source. and i just, not knowing kills me.
honestly i was hoping that my recent rape would jar any memories if something did happen to me as a child. but it didnt. i dont know what to do anymore.
a few of you in here adviced against the hypno therapy becuase it wasn't very accurate..
has anyone had a good experience, or learned anything from it...
and where did you find the resources to get hypnotized?
i guess that i am just really unsure of how you distinguish if you are in fact having flashbacks...
or if a traumitzed mind is just playing tricks?
like is there a stream of thought or memmories or something that i should just be noticing?
does anyone reccomend like hypnosis or something to unearth this crap or tell me a little bit more about what i need to figure out?
i just feel like some of the memories about my dad, could be true, but i really don't want to think they are...
i guess they could also be figmets of my imagination... i duno.
it will probably take more time to get to the bottom of this stuff.
like im scared to be making up bad "repressed false" memories about my father. i really do love him to death and i don't understand why i would be questioning myself like this right now if there wasn't a reason?
can anyone help me to understand why i might be having feelings like something happened to me, done by my father, repressed, even though over the years i can not right now think of any one time where i might have thought so?
thanks your help is appreciated.