ok ok, i know ive already had my rant today, but there are things that just arent clicking in my head.
the Sven saga, the never-ending story of 'the ex'... the dreaded ex! this is why i wanted to avoid getting sexually AND emotionally involved with someone, because eventually the emotion does run out, and i just feel numb. i wouldnt have minded us breaking up so much if it werent for the manner in which he did it.
we just drifted apart over a month after being so close, and we had 'the power of love' with all our "i love you so much... i wanna be with you forever..." blah blah blah then all of a sudden, he just stops caring. makes me wonder if he ever cared at all.
it was lust, it was all an illusion... he minipulated me to get what he wanted and, i dunno, its like molestation all over again. i believed his lies, believed he cared so much and wasnt using me. he knew about my past, he knew what i'd been through and still felt the need to hurt me.
but i think he's realising now, he's trying to be my friend, but i dunno if its all going to work. i was just some poor lovesick sex toy. joy.
i know guys like him arent worth my time, but i want him back in my life so badly. i have this weird attachment to people who torture me and make me feel so empty inside. for a long time i was happy, but now, i just don't know.
ok, hi, umm I'm new here and found this place through my friend 'Gria and thought it sounded perfect. Here, i'll put it all in LJ cut so you dont have to read it - warning, triggering! but yeah, my name's Katho and this is my story...
And what's more, i just got dumped last week by that
BOY i was totally in love with (hes not a MAN and never will be). we went out almost eight months, we were perfect together and i was so happy, i'd finally moved on from those negative thoughts about sex and just men in general, then he just dumps me like that, says im 'Just A Girl' and he'll 'get over it and move on' like i mean nothing, like i am worth nothing to no one. It was lust, he never loved me, he only loved the idea of me, what he could get from me. He took all i had, gave nothing back then left me all alone. i'd finally learnt to trust, i'd finally fallen in love, then i just get used. story of my life.
so yeah, im pretty fucked up at the moment, pretending everything is OK and i'll be fine, but im far from fine. i have hardly slept in weeks, i just cant eat, my appetite is gone(lost about 5 kilos in two weeks :S), and im drinking far too much and trying to recapture the love i once felt from him in dodgy hook-ups with guys i dont know. I'm just so confused... i thought he respected me, how wrong was i?
i was so in love with him, and he just threw me away and forgot about me.
(and now all i can do is cry at night, and when i sleep i have flashbacks of my so called cousin stealing away my childhood, my innocence. ive been left all alone and i just cant deal with this by myself anymore. please help.)
Talked with the ex last night. I haven't answered her calls in a couple of weeks because I've been so busy. She finally said what I knew all along. She is still in love with me. She believes she will always be in love with me. She knows that I'm not in love with her and never will be. Yet...she still wants to be my friend. Really.
Now. I don't feel this is fare in the sense that, how could it be a good thing for her to be around me. How much heartache will she feel? I don't feel it's right.
She wants to hang out with me but she doesn't want to hang out with me and my girlfriend. Understandable. However, I'm with my girlfriend mostly all weekends. Plus, if you can't hang out with me and my girl then you shouldn't hang out with just me. That means that you care about me in a more than friends way. That seeing me to you means something else still. She never said she disliked my gf. She's only met her once. So it has nothing to do with my gf but more to do with the visual that I am in a relationship with another woman.
Here's the thing. It' been pointed out before and there are many times I have thought it. My exgirlfriend is just a bit mentally abusive. It's the mind games she plays and the manipulations she does. She pulled out all the cards in the hat. She "jokingly" talked trash about me and would make smartass comment. But she's done this along. She has some anger issues. It made me want to hang up.
She can be such a good person. But when things don't go her way she can be like that. A friend believes that I'm finding it hard to let go of her because I am caught in a cycle of abuse with her.
When your caught...how do you really let go? It's not like I don't want to. I've tried.....but failed.
When in situations similar...how have you dealt with it?
It's so perplexing at times. Perhaps because I know she's so much better than how she's acting at the time. Maybe because of my sexual abuse history that I find I have to have some form of abuse in my life. I know I don't really have to have that. And I'm trying to let go....
Can you even stay friends.......somewhere down the line?
so yesterday my friend took my phone, an every time cory called she would answer it she told him he had no right treating me like, that he's an asshole, an inmature kid, that he has hurt me an she wasn't going to let it happen agian, to never call again, an to leave me alone. well this went on for four hours then he finally broke down to her an told her why he was being a prick to me. how he felt like shit for doing it. she told me why he was acting like he was an to give him a call when i felt better. she told him if he hurts me again she's gonna beat his ass. so last night was all good and everything with talking with him he apologized for everything that he said and did. i forgave him of course, then to day i was talking to him an it was going good until he's like "ur all talk tiff your all fucking talk" "i was like no i'm not" he said it again then said "just kidding" then he's like "you have a guy over there don't you, don't lie to me ur a fucking liar tiff your a fucking liar" i was like "i have know guy here so i don't know what ur talking about and i don't lie" then he's like "just kidding" in a softer voice, again he's like "ur retarded" i was like "excuse you what did you say" he's like "your retarded" i said "don't say that i don't like that word" he said "your fucking retarded tiffany then say i'm just playin sorry", i told him he was making me upset when he talked like that he he was like so i just make u upset thats all i do huh i said "no thats not all you do" and then we lost connection and haven't talked to him again.... i really love cory with everything i got and it sad b/c he treats me like shit most of the time but i love him so i just let him treat me like this
and to top things off i think i'm pregnant, i'm sicker then a wet dog, my leg is really swollan and i don't know why, and i plain aout just feel like shit......
sorry this is reall long and really detailed i just needed to vent.
I posted this memory in my journal and then decided to share it here... Somebody may relate, or ffer some words of... Advice? I don't know. In any case, this is probably very triggering, especially if you have issues with self-injury, so stay safe.
[Gregory = my father]
The truth is, one of the memories I've been harboring for a while and didn't talk about, is about her. In my mother, I had my very first example of using SI as a coping method. ( This is pretty ugly and it also might be triggeringCollapse )
I've been reading several of the posts and comments on this forum for awhile and I am thoroughly impressed with the people in this community. I look forward to sharing many events, stories and suggestions with everyone and becoming an active member of this community.
Why am I here? Well - this answer is multi-fold. First and foremost, I am a rape survivor. This past October I was raped by an acquantance staying in my dorm/apartment with one of my roommates (we each have singles, 10 women in the house). Beyond just the terror of that horrendous night, I was repeatedly victimied by my friends, family and housemates as no one believed my story and repeatedly attacked me for 1) lying, 2) exaggerating, 3) being an insult to "real" rape victims and 4) relapsing into anorexia from all the trauma. The situation declined to the point I fled my house twice at odd hours of the night - once at 1am, once at 4am. I finally worked with my university to change residences by late November. Throughout the fall semester I faced a series of offenses from the university, from my family, from my friends and from my community. I found sanctuary in our campus Women's Center, initiating my career in advocacy, activism and feminism.
Secondly, I am a survivor of intimate partner/domestic abuse. I had the misfortune of having a boyfriend who went from caring/compassionate/understanding in late late Fall semester to the demanding/controlling/two-faced/intimidating/manipulating Jekel/Hyde of Spring semester. It took a long time for me to realize what was going on in the relationship, that the months of emotional abuse caused another relapse into the eating disorder world. The climatic moment of that relationship involved two seperate accounts of sexual abuse... which clued me in to the fact that this relationship was beyond just bad.
Lastly- but far from leastly- I am a committed advocate for women's rights, for survivors of every kind, and an activist for social reform. I am a proud feminist, while being the very embodiment of "sorority girl" in many aspects. I volunteer extensively at the Women's Center on campus, help facilitate campus discussions about sexual violence, and plan to return to my high school to create a program that addresses these issues in that setting to better prepare students for the experiences they or their friends may have in college.
That's me in a nutshell. Please email me at email@example.com or leave a comment if you'd like further extrapolation about anything. After a year of counselling and great support with those people I found to be true friends and real advocates... I am ready to bring my story to the world and to challenge the culture that allows these occurances to happen time after time. There is no challenge that we cannot handle - we are survivors.