I sometimes sit and wonder if I'm the only one whos life is not going the way they thought it was going to go for them?
I have so many things in my life that I never wanted, that I never thought would happen, and I'm a completely different person than I ever thought. I think this is all coming to mind now because of a recent post I read about a girl wanting to become a prostitute. I wanted to be that girl. I wanted to be the one getting drunk and high during high-school. I wanted to be the one that has experienced it all, all the sex, all the love, all the heartache..... all the friendship. But here I am, married, which I never wanted, a close-knit group of friends, who are all saints and no one I look up to, I've had two partners in my life, two heartaches, a pill popper for depression, and... I've actually never been to a party, was only invited once.
I don't ever seem to get what I want. I put myself into dangerous situations that I can easily get myself out of because I'm a strong person.... so nothing ever happens. I want to be with other people, but I just can't ever make myself, and then I get bored or creeped out and then I get myself out of it. I want to feel like I'm alive. I want to feel needed. I know that I want to be used because it almost, almost, feels like someone wants me. I want to be the person everyone sees, that's why I want to be so dark, so ..... dirty I guess, but it's not me and I can't make it me no matter how much I long for it to be me. So then I try to make everyone see that I'm a real angel, a really good person, and I get the worst comments from people, and I know, I know what they think I am.... I just want to be known.
X-posted to xxborderlinesxx